Sound advice for best friends of someone dating a “something’s off about him” guy who must be from a lifetime movie. By Tessa Miggs.

Don't trust "Chase."

So your bestie is dating a new guy named Chase. He seems O.K. but there’s something “off” about him. He’s attractive, charming, and seems to have a lot of money. Except that he keeps asking Tara (that’s your best friend) for loans because all his assets are “tied up overseas.” 
 
Here’s my advice:
 
I always tell people in this situation to “stay in the first act.” You’re safest there. The “first act” is before Chase starts to unravel and show his severe PTSD, try to sex traffic you, or flat out murder you. 
 
Let’s say you’re at Tara’s house for a cookout and Chase has taken over the grill because “he makes the best burgers in the world” or whatever bullshit he’s bragging about now. He’s just standing there, flipping burgers and putting on that faux sexy grin to try to show you and everyone else that he’s nothing more than a hot sexy man at a barbecue. The smoke from the grill rolls over him like it doesn’t even affect him. He’s in it. Deep. He’s from a romance novel where a fucktastic pirate appears in the mist before he pulls your panties off. 
 
What I’m saying is that there’s something off about this guy. You notice him lose his temper with Tara when she drops some of the hamburger buns on the lawn. He says, “What are you? Stupid?” Which would be so hot if he said it in a hot way, which he kind of did, so maybe it’s just a misunderstanding and you should pick up those buns and apologize to him, which Tara doesn’t. 
 
Everyone sees the incident. Including me, obviously, and I’m just thinking to myself, yeah, he’s super-hot. And yes, he’s so hot. But he can’t treat my best friend that way. So WARNING, if you get to this point, you’re dangerously close to leaving the first act.
 
In the second act, you start asking Tara stuff about Chase’s past, like how he was in the marines and probably could do a million pullups without his shirt on. You ask her (and this is the kiss of death) how well she knows him, and she gets super defensive and says something to you like, “I love him!” and then accuses you of being jealous. Like, yeah, right, you’re jealous about her and hot dumb Chase who probably spends all his time doing marine workouts and penis exercises. Whatever.
 
If you’re dumb enough to question Tara, she’ll start to distance herself, and when this happens, you’re definitely not going to see Chase as much anymore, so how are you going to keep an eye on him? Again, stay in the first act where you can keep coming over to the house, watch Chase do stuff, and watch him do other stuff. Who knows, they may have a pool party or something where Chase has his shirt off and maybe he has some tattoos on his biceps that you can wonder about and maybe touch or whatever. 
 
But I need to remember who I’m writing this to. You’re going to move right into the next act because you can’t control yourself. You’re a heaving, sloppy mess and have trouble regulating your desires. When people say, “Hey, keep your panties on” they mean it literally in your case. But more about Chase…
 
You haven’t seen Tara in weeks after you interrogated her, so you decide to go second act deep by following Chase around to find out what he’s really up to.  You see him at the gym. That’s where you sneakily peer through the window to watch him lift weights, do some cardio, and get hit on by a shit ton of women. Maybe he’s cheating on Tara? Nope. He leaves the gym and starts driving somewhere. 
 
He goes to some office park in the middle of nowhere. That’s weird. You park behind another building and sneak out to see him talking to a man who looks super dangerous and rough and scary but not in the hot way that Chase embodies all those things. They see you and you high heel it back to your car and take off. 
 
A week later, you’re at work as an interior designer and your boss (who probably won a Lifetime movie contest and gets to say one stupid fucking line) delivers his one stupid fucking line: “Hey Tessa, there’s a potential new client who asked to speak to you.”
 
You walk to the reception desk and there he is—Chase, wearing a suit and looking like he could be getting married in it. What’s he doing here? He just wants to talk. He wants to clear the air. You have coffee at a nearby café and he goes on and on about how the two of you “got off on the wrong foot” and that he really loves Tara and he knows how important your friendship is to her and he just wants to make everything right.
 
WARNING: this is a critical point in act two of your life (time) story. If you reject him, then he and the guy from the office park will almost certainly sex traffic you. If you totally accept his gesture of peace, then he may sex traffic Tara. So you’re cautious and try to reserve judgment. You say, “I’m sorry, Chase, if I didn’t give you a fair chance. I’m willing to hit ‘refresh’ on our relationship.”
 
He'll probably smile at this point and Jesus, he has perfect teeth. Like how do you even get teeth like that? Is it genetics? Because he doesn’t seem to be the kind of guy who would get work done on himself—he’s way too secure in his attractiveness. Then, as you’re gazing at his jaw line, which is also fucking perfect, he says something that changes everything.
 
“Tara and I are having a baby,” he tells you. 
 
Hold. The fuck. Up. How is that even possible? Every time you sat in that tree outside Tara’s house and watched them have sex, Chase used a condom. You have fucking video. Unless they did it some other time, where you didn’t see it, which seems very fucking unlikely since this has become a 24-hour kind of surveillance thing that’s tearing your life apart.
 
This is where it’s very difficult to stay in the act. You can’t let your best friend have a baby with this man. You ask if Tara is pregnant or if this is something they’re planning. Chase says she’s been pregnant for three and a half months and they’re just telling people now. Holy fuck. They’ve only been dating for like a year. That’s way too fast. So you start grilling Chase. Why did he call Tara stupid at the cookout? Who was that creepy dude at the office park? What about the loans and the overseas accounts?
 
Chase looks concerned. And he should be because you’re onto his shit. He says he never said the thing about Tara being stupid and that maybe you misheard him. He saw you at the office park where he was helping his cousin move some stuff. And the loans? “What loans?” he asks. Then he starts getting super defensive. “Have you been following me?” he whimpers. 
 
At this point, you’re seriously close to getting murdered by Chase and the only way out is a little unorthodox. I tried to warn you not to get here, but you went ahead and defied my advice. Listen carefully and I can still get you out of this alive. 
 
First, after talking with Chase at the café, keep your distance, meaning don’t let him or Tara know you’re watching them at all. Take every precaution.  Then, wait till the baby is born. Next, to protect the baby from Chase, steal the baby and raise it as your own. But also realize that the baby needs his father, so let Chase come with you and hope stupid Tara doesn’t get in the way of your happiness. Be strong. You’re doing this for your best friend and her daughter.  
 
 
Tessa Miggs is the relationship and dating expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. She can be reached at [email protected]

Most embarrassing tees ever