The “boner silencer” may be the lifestyle item you didn’t know you needed.

The Intergalactic Business Report rarely does product reviews or endorsements, but a new consumer good that addresses and solves a common problem caught our attention. Primarily an issue for males, sudden erections that make loud noises can cause disturbances in public areas, business meetings, and grocery store checkout aisles.
 
Our own research indicates that almost 40% of American men experience frequent embarrassment from sudden, high-volume erections that occur when they are inadvertently stimulated either mentally or if something brushes near their penis region. Even more alarming is that close to 90% of men experience at least one such incident in their lifetimes.
 
What is erection volume?
While the science behind the phenomenon of loud erections is still being determined, the most common noises caused by erections are the following sounds:

Boing.
Schwing.
Bwaah waah waah zing.
Meat dropping on a table noise.
Helloooo.
 
Lesser heard, rarer outbursts include:
 
Mee mee mee (ala the Roadrunner).
I’m Rick, nice to meat you.
Culturally insensitive Chinese music.
 
How the boner silencer works.
The application of the product is simple because it is basically a plastic bag that attaches over the genitals and is fastened with a rubber band. The good news is that unlike expensive things you can buy, this only costs the price of a baggie and a rubber band and can be applied easily unless you have a problem with your hands and need someone else to attach the bag to your dick.
 
Can I buy one?
As we said above, yes, if you consider buying a plastic bag and a rubber band “buying a boner silencer.” In that case, you may buy as many as you can afford. We recommend purchasing a Ziploc multipack, because you can get like a hundred at a time. As for rubber bands, no one knows where to buy those, but there are probably a zillion in some drawer in your home. If you don’t have a drawer like that, just go to the grocery store and pull them off asparagus bundles or cilantro bunches. If someone says anything then just respond with something like, “What the fuck? You gonna bust me for pulling rubber bands off fruit and shit?” Never EVER reveal the reason behind stealing the rubber bands is because you’re going to use them to hold a plastic bag over your dick and try your HARDEST (but not in a penis way) to not have a spontaneous high-decibel boner right at that moment because then the gig is up.