The end of naked locker rooms? That’s going to be a big problem for Phil Ratuliak.

When our editors noticed a recent Atlantic article titled “The end of naked locker rooms,” we didn’t read it. Mostly because we got the gist of the story through the headline, which said it all—people aren’t comfortable taking their clothes off in locker rooms anymore and that’s going to be a problem—for Phil Ratuliak.
 
Let us tell you about Phil. Phil loves getting naked. In front of others. It’s like his thing. So the prospect of him never being able to expose himself to sweaty strangers is going to be a massive hit to his personal life. FULL DISCLOSURE: Phil Ratuliak doesn’t know we wrote this article and in no way gave us permission to publicly examine his interest in being nude in locker rooms. MORE FULL DISCLOSURE: Ratuliak has threatened us in the past when we exposed him (but not in the way he prefers, in a locker room, where there are a lot of people around to see his naked body). 
 
Enough about Phil though. We feel strongly that the end of naked locker rooms is also the end of an era—for people like Phil Ratuliak who are most comfortable when they can take all their clothes off in a socially acceptable way where people aren’t thinking it’s weird and a “warning sign” and a “thing only perverts do.” It almost makes you think of the early days of naked locker rooms when some guy had the idea that all the other guys and he should be naked together after playing sports. It must have been so hard for the originator of naked locker rooms (perhaps a distant relative of Phil Ratuliak?) to present this idea at a village meeting or whatever they did back then. Imagine the balls on that guy. And also imagine how much courage it took to do what he did. 
 
After meeting strong resistance (we’re assuming, because we don’t do historical research), the first naked locker room was probably established somewhere on the East Coast, where there’s a longstanding tradition of circle jerks, clam bakes, Eagles games, and other male on male homoerotic events. From there it grew to something everyone understood and took part in—even if you had an odd-looking penis or a birthmark that looked like a penis. It was a time in our country when taking off your clothes, showering, and walking around really slowly to make the moment last were all 100% acceptable. Let’s face it. It was a time when Phil Ratuliak was 100% acceptable. 
 
But now, because of sensitivities and political pressure, our locker rooms have become more private, and less social. Men are asked to change in stalls or “changing rooms” and are even told, “Hey, you can’t be naked in here!” when they resist this new and lifeless social order. FULL DISCLOSURE: We are not telling men to resist or to undress in front of other men in a sign of protest or solidarity with Phil Ratuliak. But Phil Ratuliak probably is. Because this is everything to him and he’s like the head of a revolution to fight against anyone who doesn’t want to see him naked. 
 
FULL DISCLOSURE: We feel almost sorry for Phil. So maybe flash him if you see him. Or let him flash you. Choose kindness.
 
FULL DISCLOSURE: We’re done writing now. Goodbye.

Tees worn by Phil Ratuliak