This Christmas, let’s keep it political. By Radna Shurebeets.

I’m going to open this column with the grace and dignity this holiday season deserves—by denouncing you and the institutional consumer slavery that pushes you through December like the guy who whips the rowers in fake-historical movies about the Roman Empire. (Don’t even get me started.)
 
Every year, you toil to pathetically build “Christmas” moments with your “families” by killing trees and displaying them like serial killer trophies in your houses. Oh, and you try to buy your way out of child neglect by giving “your” kids (as if they belong to you) gifts made by child labor in China (and yes, I do think Xi Jinping is hot). In case you don’t get it, the concept of biological families is a political construct invented to make daddy strong and everyone else weak and having children is child abuse.  
 
This is where you start calling me names and saying the womyn writing this article (me) is insane. But if insanity is believing in a different reality where there are no consequences for your actions but only if you’re in class/gender/race/stereotype I approve of, then I’m fucking bananas. 
 
Quick thought: Capitalism made Karl Marx into Richard Marx and then into TJMaxx. 
 
Anyway, as you drink from the spigot of commercialism and it tastes like it’s flowing through somebody’s butt crack, don’t blame me. You made your choice. I made mine. And that’s to become the most annoying human being on the planet by simply not participating in the lie of holiday cheer and polar bears drinking Coca Cola. Did you know in real life that would kill them? Do you know that right now, they’re falling off a melting ice drift that probably has old coke cans and other garbage in it because you don’t care if the world dies as long as you can stuff more Chik-fil-A into your fat bloated stomach?
 
Note: St. Nick was a communist drag queen. Still wanna open his presents? Didn’t think so.
 
Another note: Sex workers are “Christian” too. Also, God is a drunk Mexican truck driver who just drove through your living room window. Yo quiero Taco Bell? Didn’t think so. 
 
It’s time to announce I’m supporting legislation to legally poison the U.S. food supply with the same rat poison used to exterminate rodent Americans for centuries. After all we humans die, may our furry successors crawl over our dead bodies and show us how this planet should be really cared for. I know that has nothing to do with Christmas or Holidays but neither does being the next Hitler and you celebrate that. But don’t worry, I’m going to keep on track by giving you some things you should consider this December as you mindlessly worship the god of consumerism. Here they are:
 
Things to consider this December as you mindlessly worship the god of consumerism. 
 
Rudolph is a minority and his nose is Ebonics. Think about it. 
 
“A Charlie Brown Christmas” was originally “A Jim Crow Christmas” and Pigpen has AIDS. 
 
Kris Kringle is a child molester who gives kids toys to sit on his lap. 
 
I’m going to spend Christmas Eve at a Soul Food Restaurant and ask the waitress if she’ll shoot me as her tip. 
 
Lesbians are great unless they work on an organic farm and don’t shave their armpits, right white bros? 
 
Here’s a funny Christmas joke. Why did the white people hang stockings? Because they thought they were black people. Get it?
 
I signed my neighbors up for the wine of the month club, except the wine is a different homeless man I find to live with them every 30 days. 
 
Ho Chi Minh can rock my egg roll. 
 
Pol Pot was like Santa Claus to Cambodia. Only they had no chimneys. And instead of giving people presents he killed them. But the message of peace and unity is pretty much the same.  
 
The next time you cuddle up around a fire and listen to Christmas music and sip eggnog, picture me having unprotected sex with a transexual Guatemalan polar bear. Come get me ICE. Seriously, will someone please call them and get this thing off me? Didn’t think so.
 
 
Radna Shurebeets is a political activist whose views are often considered a “little much” by people who hear her views. But herstory is never made by womyn who are “just right.” If you’d like to contact Radna, or comment, you can reach her at [email protected].
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Tees that will change your politics to "stupid."