We rate the business acumen of “The Beast in Me” characters. Who passed and who failed?

Admittedly, we started watching Netflix’s “The Beast in Me” believing it would be a porno version of “Beauty and the Beast,” but after our disappointment we stuck around to see what happens when a neurotic writer (Claire Danes) becomes friends with a serial killer (Mathew Rhys) and (spoiler alert) they don’t have sex. 
 
As a new feature, the Intergalactic Business Report explores the business acumen of fictional characters because we feel that makes sense in some way. As we dig into “The Beast in Me” we examine and rate the money-makers and hustlers who make up the series. Below we offer character profiles, their business strategies, and ratings (on our proprietary 1-100 system).
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Business Acumen Ratings: The Beast in Me. 

 
Aggie Wiggs (Claire Danes): 

PROFILE: Pulitzer Prize winning author whose lips quiver when she cries (constantly). 
BUSINESS STRATEGY: Takes so many advances from her publisher that she’s run out of credit.
RATING: 18.
 
Nile Jarvis (Matthew Rhys):
 
PROFILE: Billionaire scion who kills people for fun and just because. Oh, and also out of anger.
BUSINESS STRATEGY: Killing people. Covering up killing people. Kidnapping people. Also does a little business here and there in which he’s really concerned about his “legacy.” But then he just keeps on killing people. On the plus side, he’s rich. 
RATING: 36.
 
Nina Jarvis (Brittany Snow):

PROFILE: New wife of killionaire Nile Jarvis. 
BUSINESS STRATEGY: Befriends Nile’s old, dead wife and then marries him and ends up with all his money after he’s imprisoned for killing people (see above).  Good job. 
RATING: 98.
 
Shelley (Natalie Morales):

PROFILE: Ex wife of Aggie and artist who lives in a realistically huge loft in NYC.
BUSINESS STRATEGY: If she were to rent out 10% of her loft, she could easily make more than a million dollars a year for that. But she doesn’t. 
RATING: 53.
 
Martin Jarvis (Jonathan Banks):

PROFILE: Patriarch of the Jarvis family. 
BUSINESS STRATEGY: Works on building a huge development in NYC by bribing public officials and covering up for his serial killer son. Also, he has a stroke and is euthanized by his creepy brother. Overall, if he doesn’t have the stroke and nobody finds out about his killer son, Martin’s doing really well. 
RATING: 87.
 
Brian Abbot (David Lyons):

PROFILE: FBI agent obsessed with taking down Nile Jarvis.
BUSINESS STRATEGY: Lives in a ratty apartment and gets drunk. Also has depressing sex with his supervisor. If he did some freelance work, like security at concerts, he could probably up his income, but he spends his time humping his boss, drinking, and working on cases he’s not getting paid to work on. 
RATING: 3.
 
Erika Breton (Hettienne Park):

PROFILE: Compromised FBI agent. 
BUSINESS STRATEGY: Becomes a pawn for the Jarvis family in order to save her husband from ruin. But she doesn’t even ask them for any money and settles for just saving her husband from ruin. Then they get divorced and she’s the breadwinner, so some payoff money would have come in handy.  
RATING: 15.
 
Olivia Benitez (Aleyse Shannon):

PROFILE: Political figure who wants low-income housing. 
BUSINESS STRATEGY: Stays true to her principles until the Jarvis family sabotages her and she relents. Doesn’t even ask for any payoff money (see above). Will probably end up living in low income housing herself. 
RATING: 16.
 
Carol McGiddish (Deirdre O’Connell):

PROFILE: Aggie’s editor who keeps getting her advances.
BUSINESS STRATEGY: Figured out a way to have a huge office with a view for doing whatever publishers do. Seriously, what do publishers even do?
RATING: 91.
 
Rick Jarvis (Tim Guinee): 

PROFILE: Martin Jarvis’s brother and family enforcer. 
BUSINESS STRATEGY: Gets a place to stay and is hired for dog training/sitting. Oh, and he also covers up murders, intimidates people, and offers bribes. Says he has “enough.”
RATING: 100.
 
Madison Ingram Jarvis (Leila George):

PROFILE: Dead ex-wife of Nile Jarvis. Dead because he definitely killed her.
BUSINESS STRATEGY: Pisses off serial killer husband instead of just dealing with it and being rich. 
RATING: 27.

Simone (April Matthis): 

PROFILE: Hacker who helps de-encrypt agent Abbot’s flash drive. 
BUSINESS STRATEGY: Doesn’t accept cash or crypto and instead works for favors. When Abbot dies, she collects nothing. Idea: at least charge in back rubs or blowjobs and demand payment up front. 
RATING: 21.

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