16 new unbelievable benefits from United Airlines for MileagePlus members and credit card holders.

United Airlines announced awesome new benefits to its cardholders and MileagePlus members including raising the cost of yearly fees, limiting the amount of guests you can take to their lounges, and, as if that weren’t great enough, adding more restrictions to reach elite status. United customers are surely mesmerized with misplaced sexual energy towards a company that gives as much as that guy you dated who told you lasting 30 seconds and having a micropenis is normal. Not since “Love is Hate,” and “Arbeit macht Frei” has any institution articulated its value proposition better.
 
Instead of doing the boring old thing where they say they’re sorry or give some made-up business reason for increasing prices and limiting benefits, United went all out in boldly telling its credit card supplicants that getting a discount for Instacart will make up for all the reasons they got a United card in the first place. We salute United’s daring stance and suggest some new ideas we hope will be offered in the next phase of conquering consumers’ hearts and minds. 
 
New United Airlines benefits for MileagePlus and United credit card holders:

1. You get to use any public porta-john anywhere in the world for FREE. Just show your United credit card. Or don’t. 

2. There is no charge for natural wind you may feel on your face (until January 2026). This excludes air you may feel from that thing that blows on you during flights. That is now a premium feature. 

3. Your miles may now be calculated by a calculator. MileagePlus customers are encouraged to press all the buttons and challenge their minds to figure out how using miles works. Please contact us if you discover the secret. We are very interested in knowing. 

4. All public restrooms worldwide including porta-johns (see above) are now free. 

5. The usual greeting by our flight attendants when you board will be enhanced slightly from “Hi,” to a full “Hello.” 

6. The United Club Lounge will offer a full-time severely ill man to cough on you. This replaces the part-time Ebola patients employed currently. 

7. You get to KEEP your bags after your flight! Sometimes. Restrictions apply. 

8. We made our in-flight bathrooms even SMALLER so that children find them less intimidating and so that YOU can pretend you are a tiny Filipino man or dwarf who’s using an in-flight bathroom. 

9. Access to the mile high club is now limited to (see above) small Filipino men and dwarves. 

10. We’re investing in passport holders for our pilots, so they don’t have to turn planes around.  

11. United Club Lounges will feature several more hot and cold selections that will challenge you to play “food poisoning roulette” before getting on your flight. 

12. Credit card holders receive a free Redbox membership. 

13. Our new partnership with 23 and Me gives you free access to other people’s genomes. 
14. We will pay for your Tubi subscription.  

15. Your limbs will be counted as guests in our United Lounge. You may only bring one guest into the club.  

​16. All customers who signed up for a credit card or are MileagePlus members will have a coupon for a free bottle of Astroglide Lubricant to ease the pain and make this more enjoyable for both of us. 

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