Dear Safelite. Safelite replace the fake influencers with these six amazing new duos.

Not since Mussolini Mouse hocked cars for Lamborghini* has there been so much hatred for a mascot, character, or celebrity endorser. The Safelite Tik Tok bros featured in ad spots that seem to augur the end of civilization may be the most despised commercial figures of 2024. The pair of way-too-old-to-be-acting-this-way hipsters embark on road trips in which they revel in the idea of cracking their windshields so they can make Safelite employees uncomfortable as they film and pressure them into singing the company jingle.

The internet (because it’s like a person now) has stated that the duo “makes we want to die a little inside” as well as suggesting they “be used as human windshields.”

As part of our service to the corporate world, the Intergalactic Business Report offers Safelite Auto Glass (for free) six new pairings to replace the bros. We firmly believe any of these will be a dramatic improvement:

1. Crack whores Deborah and Chastity.
When two loveable crack whores have the windshield of their car/home kicked in by a murderous hobo, they must repair it or face death by either another hobo attack or the chill of winter. They call Safelite, but there’s no way they’re going to show up to a homeless encampment under a bridge until… Chastity offers to suck off the repair dude.

2. Feral dogs Alex and Luther.
Alex and Luther spend their time roaming the countryside and feeding off garbage and road kill they find along the way until… Luther sees some teenagers who have run out of gas. Terrified by the hellish hounds, the youngsters hide in their car and must pretend they have a cracked windshield in order to lure the Safelite repairman to their site. When he arrives, they scamper into his pristine Safelite truck while Alex and Luther salute the teenagers for their offering to the dogs. Then they feast on the body of their newfound prey. (In case you don’t get it, the teenagers have “replaced” themselves with the Safelite repairman, thus “saving” themselves as well as a ton on money on gas.)

3. Hate bricks.
The “hate bricks,” who have no names, are possessed by pure evil and cause anyone who touches them to be overcome by their power. First thing the hate bricks make you do? Throw them through people’s car windshields. The clever advertising trick here is that the hate bricks actually work for Safelite and this is how they drum up business. After their victims call Safelite, they usually pick up the bricks to remove them from the car and guess what? They too become possessed and start whipping them into other people’s windshields making massive profits for the company. (Note. This is only an ad idea. There are no such bricks in real life so you will have to figure out your own way to smash people’s windshields.)

4. Racial stereotype shapeshifter twins Terry and Gwen.
These whacky twins can change their bodies but only to take the form of offensive racial stereotypes. When their windshield gets destroyed by a gale force wind, they call Safelite and hilariously offend the repair guy as he’s subjected to a veritable real life slideshow of insensitively dressed humans with exaggerated racial features. When it comes time to pay, they turn into an average looking white guy. Anyway, there's a lot of "replacement" themes you can use with this one. Have at it.

5. Jake and Mongo: Fartners for life.
Jake and Mongo are two large farts that work together to destroy car windshields. Jake whistles in the wind as future Safelite customers drive on the highway. It’s like an eerie warning of things to come. The driver looks at the passenger as if to ask, “Did you hear that?” Then, out of nowhere, Mongo shatters the windshield with his enormous fart power. The car goes over a cliff as the flying glass makes it impossible for the driver to see. Just as it’s about to hit the ground, Mongo and Jake join forces to lift it back onto the road using their fart winds. Both driver and passenger are repelled by the stench, but thank Jake and Mongo for saving them. Then the Safelite repairman shows up and asks, “Who farted?”

6. Gary and Sancho: Two assholes driving a gravel truck.
This is your “reality tv” option, where the people who are actually responsible for all windshield cracks show how they do it by overloading a crappy truck with gravel and taking it out on the highway to ruin everyone’s cars. Call these two guys Gary and Sancho and show them laughing as they wreck windows everywhere. Then, out of nowhere, comes a Safelite truck that pulls them over by forcing them off the road. The Safelite repair man steps out and shoots Gary. Sancho gets out and runs into a field where he is soon tracked down and executed.

*O.K. We guess that was never a thing. Don’t sue us, Lambo.

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