Car Shield mechanics. Why women should trust them.

If you own a television, you’ve seen endless commercials begging you to trust “Car Shield” to insure your automobile against untimely repairs that could cost you thousands. Celebrities like Ice T walk you through what happens when you need to fix your car and how Car Shield is “there for you,” but the most compelling endorsements come from two auto mechanics who assure you that Car Shield is what you need in case anything goes wrong with your vehicle.
 
As a service to our readers, the Intergalactic Business Report takes seriously corporate claims about what consumers “need,” and we went deep in examining the non-celebrity experts shown in the ads. What we found was nothing short of astounding, as we uncovered that the mechanics interviewed were the most trustworthy advocates for your well-being as a customer.
 
Take the father-son duo Paul and Pete, who are definitely father and son, who tell a female advertorial reporter that if you don’t have Car Shield, you could end up paying thousands in auto repairs. Their sincerity as they tell stories of the downtrodden who did NOT have Car Shield and found themselves at their mercy as they charged them thousands, is gripping and real. We fully endorse these two men as beacons for car security and justice and, because of them, we believe paying money to Car Shield means you never have to worry again—about anything.
 
Because there is a longstanding myth that male auto mechanics take financial advantage of female customers, we work to dispel that notion as we offer a litany of reasons why women everywhere should trust the father-son Car Shield mechanics. While our assessments are based solely on conjecture and stereotypes about East Coast-looking blue-collar men, we still list several unverifiable reasons women should let these noble dudes guide their decisions—all of their decisions—forevermore. 
 
Reasons women should trust the father-son Car Shield mechanics.

-Their stories about women entering their shop and crying are realistic and true.
 
-They look like they own a van together, that’s not covered by Car Shield, but where they take strippers who want to party after hours.
 
-After the interview, they for sure asked the reporter if she wanted to do a three way. Then they made a joke about lube, which she didn’t understand.
 
-Mechanics operate under a code of honor that prohibits them from making false claims about the condition of your car or what it may need to have repaired, replaced, or added. It’s like you’re talking to a knight of the round table only he’s wearing overalls and you’re pretty sure you went to high school with him, and he was a dick.
 
-They treat men and women equally and without condescension or leering as they enter and leave their shop.
 
-They coach Little League and give back to the community or some shit like that. 
 
-They have a “philosophical side” where they tell you about the difference between men and women and that there are “two different” kinds of both of them.
 
-They have a “sensitive side” where they try to have sex with you as the sun is setting on the beach and there are other people around, but who gives a shit because you’ve got a beach towel. 
 
-They have posters of women in bikinis in their bathroom even though you can’t find posters of women in bikinis anymore (except in their bathroom). 
 
-They argue with each other about sandwiches.
 
-Their search histories are just “hot chick fucks mechanic.”
 
-Their Car Shield speech is eerily similar to the speech they give about not wearing condoms. 
 
-They have the Pacino-Deniro scene in “Heat” memorized and they switch off between who’s Pacino and who’s Deniro and get pissed off when one of them flubs a line. 
 
-If you date them, it’s about three weeks in before they’re talking to you while taking a dump with the door wide open. 

These tees are there for you when your car breaks down