 The Modelo “recruiter” is a cowboy who goes around the country passing out beer to people who are so delusional they believe they can change the outcome of college football games with their minds; pathetically fit in with their in-laws by becoming more fanatical than they are; and who create custom clothing proclaiming national championships that never happened (and never will).
One would expect Modelo’s new mascot to be someone who makes you feel cool for being associated with him. But if this motherfucker shows up and hands you a beer, it’s time to check yourself into a group home. As he journeys through backyards, bars, and parking lots, the cowboy is a pied piper for the mentally ill, rewarding them with alcohol for their devotion to insane, magical, and compulsive beliefs. In other words, we fully endorse Modelo and their cowboy as the best and most brilliant manifestation of every corporate pitch, sales strategy, and trademark. The cowboy now stands on top of a pile of dead competitor ideas, and he pisses all over them. But in a cool way. Fuck Tony the Tiger and the Pilsbury Doughboy. It needed to be said. Because those dickheads have been replaced by a new era of endorsements—done by people who embrace hallucinations and compulsive disorders because that’s what sells beer, damn it. As the revolution continues, we stoke the subversive fire with our own suggestions for what should come next. 5 Ad concepts that tap into Modelo’s groundbreaking push to celebrate delusional thought. 1. The Orkin man finds Jerry “I can’t get the spiders off me” Rudolph and throws him a can of bug spray. 2. The Reynolds Wrap “Rapper” hands out aluminum foil to conspiracy theorists so they can make hats. He also raps. 3. Servpro comes into a destroyed home and restores it so that it looks like “it never happened.” Then they try to psychologically convince the family that it really never actually happened. 4. The National Dental Association officially bans putting government tracking and listening devices in your teeth and pledges to remove all the old ones they already put in. The message is delivered by “Surveilly,” a giant tooth with a radio antenna coming out of it. At the end of the commercial he rips out all his wiring to show he’s serious. 5. Fuddruckers airs a commercial where the CEO promises that none of his employees will spit in your food. And he kind of hints that other restaurants can’t guarantee that.  Just like the cool Apple AI ads where dumb people trick their bosses and coworkers into thinking they’re competent, the Intergalactic Business Report’s own AI model, CHAT IBR* works overtime to correct interoffice emails and documents we’ve sent and make them sound more professional. Below, we show you the before and after, and you may be astounded by the results.
DOCUMENT ONE (ORIGINAL) Let’s start with a typical note you may send to an employee on her first week of work: Hi Lacy, I hope everything is going well your first week in the office. Please let me know if I can answer any questions or be of assistance. I also wanted to check in with you about the data report to see how it’s going. Just reach out if there’s anything I can do to help. Have a great week! Sincerely, Buck Sorenson Now, let’s run this through CHAT IBR to see how a boring work note can be transformed into an exciting invitation to change the world. DOCUMENT ONE, CHAT IBR (Business drunk mode) Dear Lacy, What up, (can I use the word Bitch or are we not close enough for that? Lemme know offline). Where’s my twinkies? You PROMISED ME you’d gimme twinkies and now I’m MAAAAAAD. Whatever. I can’t make you get me twinkies, I guess. But I CAN ask you for that data report. Where is it? WHERE is it? WHERE DA FUCK IS IT? (Get me dem twinkies) Sincerely, YER BOSS DOCUMENT TWO (ORIGINAL) How many times do you need to respond to an invitation to a charity or social event? If you’re like Dave (below) you spend way too much effort crafting an email like this… Hi Abe, Looking forward to the golf benefit this weekend. I’m always happy to contribute to a good cause… and get in a round of golf or two while I’m at it! I will be at the course for the nine a.m. tee time and I plan to stay for lunch. Please give my best to Tamra and the kids. Cheers, Dave Now let’s see how CHAT IBR can turn Dave’s weekend into something special with this response: DOCUMENT TWO, CHAT IBR (gay stereotype mode) Hey girlfriend! Time to break out some rosé and start the weekend! I have lots of new clothes to wear and I’m sure they will attract lots of MEN. Hello! Did a man just walk by? Yum. Yes please. Anyway, back to thinking about sex with men. Toodly doo! Dave DOCUMENT THREE (ORIGINAL) You promised the clerk at the front desk you’d write a hotel review and mention him, but when it comes time to do it, you end up struggling to compose something like this: FROM: Cynthia M. Hotel guest. The Hotel Lux was AMAZING. Great rooms, great service, and great location! Alex P. made our trip special. He was very attentive and helped my husband find a perfect restaurant for our anniversary. I will definitely be staying here again next time I’m in town. Kudos to Hotel Lux and thank you, Alex P! Not bad. Totally serviceable. But how much time did that take out of your day to think up the words and type them? Consider all the things Cynthia could have been doing instead, like making more money and also Instagram stuff. Check out how CHAT IBR takes her run of the mill review and makes it shine. DOCUMENT THREE, IBR CHAT (uncomfortable, might want to put me on a watchlist or something mode) FROM: Cynthia M. Hotel guest. My name is Cynthia Margo and I LOVE the Hotel Lux. I love it so much I want to have sex with it. Hahahahahaha. Don’t use the bathroom in room 617 because I completely blew that shit up! Also, thank you to Alex Prater who works your front desk. That little motherfucker got us drugs. Thank you, ALEX PRATER. For the drugs. Also, I think I killed someone. DOCUMENT FOUR (ORIGINAL) Here is an actual letter from our own office. This was drafted by our intern, Lawrence DeGraf. He’s a thoughtful kid and wrote it to defuse a potential inflammatory legal situation we were facing. Here’s what Lawrence came up with: Dear Mr. Reynolds: Thank you for your recent letter. It was a thrill for our staff to hear from you since we are all great fans of your work. We do realize that yours was not a friendly message and that you are upset with our depiction of you in many of our articles. We were saddened to hear that you feel this way and will try our best to improve our fact-checking, the validity of our sources, as well as keep our employees from attempting to find and bother you at your home. In the meanwhile, we would appreciate your patience and hope you will consider not moving forward with legal action. We have held indefinitely all articles relating to you, your businesses, and personal life as a gesture of good faith. Please let us know if we can answer questions or be of any help at all. Sincerely, The editorial board of the Intergalactic Business Report. Pretty good, right? Now see the improvement when we run it through Chat IBR: DOCUMENT FOUR, CHAT IBR (fuck you, motherfucker mode) Hey Ryan! So you’re gonna sue us, huh? Is that what you’re up to? Is that what you’re doing now? Look at me! I’m Ryan fucking Reynolds. Big time movie star. Cheap ass telephone salesman. Encourager of pilots to drink while flying. That’s me! Ryan Reynolds. Bottom line, Ry. Not only will we not comply with your horse shit, but we will have a completely new section of the Intergalactic Business Report dedicated to exposing your horse shit. What do you think of that? Huh? Also, can we get your address? Not your lawyer’s? He’s a dick. A DICK. If we ever go to court, we will choose to defend ourselves just so we can DEFEAT and DESTROY him. And we don’t even have law degrees! Or degrees even. Or a car to get to the court room. So don’t expect us to even show, motherfucker. Up your long butthole tunnel, The Intergalactic Business Report. *Chat IBR is run entirely by our AI intern/assistant editor Lawrence DeGraf. Lawrence DeGraf is the Artificial Intelligence intern at the Intergalactic Business Report. He can be reached at [email protected].  When Cracker Barrel announced it would return to its original logo and restaurant design following a craterous decision to make the brand more appealing to new, more left-leaning customers, corporate America took notice, reconsidering many of its planned rebrands for everything from tequila to Nascar.
Through secret file searches* the Intergalactic Business Report now reveals potential awokenings that may or may not be implemented. We share them with you, below: Potential “woke” rebrands that may or may not happen soon: Don Pablo Tequila. “Rhonda abortion doctor agave drink.” Fancy Feast cat food. “Po boy salsa socialist scrap feed.” NASCAR. “Drive for intersexual lesbian rights.” SEC football. “Gay boy touching club.” Grand ole Opry. “Somewhat new orgy.” Marlboro. “Nonbinary smokey sticks.” Bo Jangles. “Bo Jango Unchained.” Sambos. “Malcom’s” Waffle House. “Chicken and Waffle House.” WWE. “Weird Wet Enemas.” Wrangler jeans. “Queer pants.” The estate of Sean Connery. “The estate of Moby.” Conan the Barbarian. “Meghan the Lesbian Librarian.” Andrew Tate. “Harry Styles.” *All files were located in our ass, and we pulled them out for this article.  Coors light or Blue Moon? Maccallan or Ripple? What you drink says more about you than you may think. When you roll into a liquor store and pack your cart with inebriants, your personality and lifestyle influence every choice you make. It’s a classic chicken or the eggnog question. Did you find the booze or did it find you?
As Drunk People Awareness Month rolls into its final days, the Intergalactic Business Report brings you an until now secret assessment of how your alcohol choice defines you. Using information from top secret corporate files*, we reveal what the companies themselves think of you. 1. Coors light. For douchebags who need to hold something when they are douching out. Also for when they want to put something on their pursed lips and sippy sip. This is for them. 2. Colt 45. Don’t fuck with these people. Just give them the beer, uh, malt liquor. We don’t want any trouble. 3. Ron Pablo tequila. Not a real brand. But you’d drink it, wouldn’t you? What does that say about YOU? 4. Miller Lite. For men who’ve given up trying to be anything other than the dude with the baseball cap who’s doing something something. 5. High Noon. Miller Lite for women. 6. Hamm’s. Don’t fuck with these people. Just give them the beer, uh, fermented corn syrup drink. We don’t want any trouble. 7. Dewar’s. Serious alcoholics on a budget. 8. White Claw. Potential pedophiles. Start with this. 9. Grey Goose. Women who don’t drink and are only able to remember an alliterative name. Also for women who drink so much they can only remember an alliterative name and if that leads to them getting drunk then who cares what it is? 10. Tito’s. For people who would drink grain alcohol if it was only 80 proof. *Our ass.  In a bold play to appeal to the own-brother-jerkoff market, mega distillery Diageo has co-branded with HBO Max’s “White Lotus” in a series of ads featuring Patrick Schwarzenegger, tending bar and drinking cocktails. While the two liquors probably should never be mixed, Ketel One and Tanqueray are like two brothers jerking each other off. That’s an analogy. More committed to brotherly love than the city of Philadelphia, Diageo and White Lotus have put their hands on the throbbing new market of incest dudes, which is growing rapidly the more they touch it. We don’t usually do this, but, in a turn of corporate charity, the Intergalactic Business Report has mocked up a series of ads for the company to use free of charge. We feel these truly capture the essence of what you’re trying to say in a subtler tone that reaches your demographic in an elegant and sophisticated way. These are yours now. Take good care of them. You’re welcome.         16 new unbelievable benefits from United Airlines for MileagePlus members and credit card holders.3/30/2025  United Airlines announced awesome new benefits to its cardholders and MileagePlus members including raising the cost of yearly fees, limiting the amount of guests you can take to their lounges, and, as if that weren’t great enough, adding more restrictions to reach elite status. United customers are surely mesmerized with misplaced sexual energy towards a company that gives as much as that guy you dated who told you lasting 30 seconds and having a micropenis is normal. Not since “Love is Hate,” and “Arbeit macht Frei” has any institution articulated its value proposition better.
Instead of doing the boring old thing where they say they’re sorry or give some made-up business reason for increasing prices and limiting benefits, United went all out in boldly telling its credit card supplicants that getting a discount for Instacart will make up for all the reasons they got a United card in the first place. We salute United’s daring stance and suggest some new ideas we hope will be offered in the next phase of conquering consumers’ hearts and minds. New United Airlines benefits for MileagePlus and United credit card holders: 1. You get to use any public porta-john anywhere in the world for FREE. Just show your United credit card. Or don’t. 2. There is no charge for natural wind you may feel on your face (until January 2026). This excludes air you may feel from that thing that blows on you during flights. That is now a premium feature. 3. Your miles may now be calculated by a calculator. MileagePlus customers are encouraged to press all the buttons and challenge their minds to figure out how using miles works. Please contact us if you discover the secret. We are very interested in knowing. 4. All public restrooms worldwide including porta-johns (see above) are now free. 5. The usual greeting by our flight attendants when you board will be enhanced slightly from “Hi,” to a full “Hello.” 6. The United Club Lounge will offer a full-time severely ill man to cough on you. This replaces the part-time Ebola patients employed currently. 7. You get to KEEP your bags after your flight! Sometimes. Restrictions apply. 8. We made our in-flight bathrooms even SMALLER so that children find them less intimidating and so that YOU can pretend you are a tiny Filipino man or dwarf who’s using an in-flight bathroom. 9. Access to the mile high club is now limited to (see above) small Filipino men and dwarves. 10. We’re investing in passport holders for our pilots, so they don’t have to turn planes around. 11. United Club Lounges will feature several more hot and cold selections that will challenge you to play “food poisoning roulette” before getting on your flight. 12. Credit card holders receive a free Redbox membership. 13. Our new partnership with 23 and Me gives you free access to other people’s genomes. 14. We will pay for your Tubi subscription. 15. Your limbs will be counted as guests in our United Lounge. You may only bring one guest into the club. 16. All customers who signed up for a credit card or are MileagePlus members will have a coupon for a free bottle of Astroglide Lubricant to ease the pain and make this more enjoyable for both of us.  Why didn't we see more Squatty Potty ads of cavemen taking dumps? Super Bowl Monday has been famously called, “the day we talk about teams we never cared about before yesterday and commercials from companies so rich they spend a zillion dollars on ad time, celebrities, and special effects, but still need our money.” Probably Mark Twain. Maybe there was also something about being hungover at work because you drank 13 shitty beers and wiped wing sauce off on your pants by accident. Not that the wing sauce would make you hungover, but you get it.
As we dig into this day of scattered emotions, misdirected anger, and regret, let us also recognize that many teams sat home and did not play. And that many commercials did as well. Today, the Intergalactic Business Report honors those ads that did not make the cut—either because they were too controversial, cost too much money, or simply didn’t exist. While the actual advertisements were never made, we did discover the working titles that, we feel, pretty much tell the story. Cicis Pizza. “Somebody did something to the food. But we fired him. It’s safe to eat here now.” Viking Cruises. “Old person three ways happen here.” Mercedes. “So great at what we do you’re lucky Hitler didn’t use us more.” Cheetos. “See how many of these I can stuff in my fat mouth.” Jeep. “Rugged. Like a bunch of dudes with mustaches having sex with each other.” Taco John’s. “We took a shit in your taco, and it still tastes like maybe we didn’t.” Squatty Potty. “What the fuck are we even doing?” Secondary title: “How did it get to this?” America’s Pharmaceutical Companies. “Our sacred pledge: Gazillions of dollars in research to fight toenail fungus, curved boners, and disobedient old people.” Lume Deodorant. “Showing you nasty feet and alluding to your taint. It's like a fetish we have.” Not since Mussolini Mouse hocked cars for Lamborghini* has there been so much hatred for a mascot, character, or celebrity endorser. The Safelite Tik Tok bros featured in ad spots that seem to augur the end of civilization may be the most despised commercial figures of 2024. The pair of way-too-old-to-be-acting-this-way hipsters embark on road trips in which they revel in the idea of cracking their windshields so they can make Safelite employees uncomfortable as they film and pressure them into singing the company jingle.
The internet (because it’s like a person now) has stated that the duo “makes we want to die a little inside” as well as suggesting they “be used as human windshields.” As part of our service to the corporate world, the Intergalactic Business Report offers Safelite Auto Glass (for free) six new pairings to replace the bros. We firmly believe any of these will be a dramatic improvement: 1. Crack whores Deborah and Chastity. When two loveable crack whores have the windshield of their car/home kicked in by a murderous hobo, they must repair it or face death by either another hobo attack or the chill of winter. They call Safelite, but there’s no way they’re going to show up to a homeless encampment under a bridge until… Chastity offers to suck off the repair dude. 2. Feral dogs Alex and Luther. Alex and Luther spend their time roaming the countryside and feeding off garbage and road kill they find along the way until… Luther sees some teenagers who have run out of gas. Terrified by the hellish hounds, the youngsters hide in their car and must pretend they have a cracked windshield in order to lure the Safelite repairman to their site. When he arrives, they scamper into his pristine Safelite truck while Alex and Luther salute the teenagers for their offering to the dogs. Then they feast on the body of their newfound prey. (In case you don’t get it, the teenagers have “replaced” themselves with the Safelite repairman, thus “saving” themselves as well as a ton on money on gas.) 3. Hate bricks. The “hate bricks,” who have no names, are possessed by pure evil and cause anyone who touches them to be overcome by their power. First thing the hate bricks make you do? Throw them through people’s car windshields. The clever advertising trick here is that the hate bricks actually work for Safelite and this is how they drum up business. After their victims call Safelite, they usually pick up the bricks to remove them from the car and guess what? They too become possessed and start whipping them into other people’s windshields making massive profits for the company. (Note. This is only an ad idea. There are no such bricks in real life so you will have to figure out your own way to smash people’s windshields.) 4. Racial stereotype shapeshifter twins Terry and Gwen. These whacky twins can change their bodies but only to take the form of offensive racial stereotypes. When their windshield gets destroyed by a gale force wind, they call Safelite and hilariously offend the repair guy as he’s subjected to a veritable real life slideshow of insensitively dressed humans with exaggerated racial features. When it comes time to pay, they turn into an average looking white guy. Anyway, there's a lot of "replacement" themes you can use with this one. Have at it. 5. Jake and Mongo: Fartners for life. Jake and Mongo are two large farts that work together to destroy car windshields. Jake whistles in the wind as future Safelite customers drive on the highway. It’s like an eerie warning of things to come. The driver looks at the passenger as if to ask, “Did you hear that?” Then, out of nowhere, Mongo shatters the windshield with his enormous fart power. The car goes over a cliff as the flying glass makes it impossible for the driver to see. Just as it’s about to hit the ground, Mongo and Jake join forces to lift it back onto the road using their fart winds. Both driver and passenger are repelled by the stench, but thank Jake and Mongo for saving them. Then the Safelite repairman shows up and asks, “Who farted?” 6. Gary and Sancho: Two assholes driving a gravel truck. This is your “reality tv” option, where the people who are actually responsible for all windshield cracks show how they do it by overloading a crappy truck with gravel and taking it out on the highway to ruin everyone’s cars. Call these two guys Gary and Sancho and show them laughing as they wreck windows everywhere. Then, out of nowhere, comes a Safelite truck that pulls them over by forcing them off the road. The Safelite repair man steps out and shoots Gary. Sancho gets out and runs into a field where he is soon tracked down and executed. *O.K. We guess that was never a thing. Don’t sue us, Lambo.  Imagine these are Birddogs. When I first started seeing the ads for Birddogs pants, I was like, no way are these pants that great. But I really respected that they had mentally challenged actors in all their ads so I thought I’d give them a try. When the pants arrived, I was a little skeptical they would live up to all the hype, but I put them on anyway.
They slipped on as if I wasn’t even trying to wear them and I’ve had them on ever since. Instead of telling you why I like them, I thought I’d do the whole reverse thing where I tell you how much I hate them so you’ll be like, “What? He’s saying a bunch of good things about these pants. He doesn’t hate them at all. This is all just a fucking joke or something.” Anyway, here’s why I HATE my new Birddogs and why you shouldn’t buy them if you HATE the stuff I’m going to list below. Why I HATE my new Birddogs pants: 1. They fit too well! If you hate pants that fit you perfectly, you’re going to HATE these. 2. They make me look too good to women. I mean, I HATE that! Usually, women are nice to me because they think I live in a group home and sex is like a charity thing. Now I have to take them to dinner like I have a job. 3. They make my dick look bigger! I HATE that. People on the bus are all like, “Dude, you have a full-on raging boner.” And I’m like, “Nope, that’s just my new Birddogs pants.” Then I sit down next to them. 4. My new Birddogs pants tell me to do things that are super risky, where I get hurt sometimes. Like they’ll tell me to run into that intersection or try to strangle that dog over there. 5. They get me compliments! I’m SHY. I don’t like it when random people approach me and say, “Wow those pants look AWESOME on you.” And then they ask me what they look like when I take them off and put them on the floor of their apartment that’s just around the corner where they make the BEST margarita ever and I’ve gotta try it. 6. My Birddogs get me out of traffic tickets! I’m the kind of person if where I do something wrong, I want to pay the price—not use my magic pants to escape people who try to give me tickets for threatening prostitutes. If I messed up, I messed up. 7. When I put my new pants on, I feel like they’re alive and don’t want to come off me—ever. That’s a really fucked up feeling. I’ve been wearing these pants for seven weeks. 8. If you love going to the dry cleaner, you’ll HATE these pants, because you can just throw them in your washing machine at home—if the demon who possesses the pants ever lets you take them off, which he won’t, because that’s his thing. 9. I don’t like it when hot older women approach me and ask for my phone number. Mostly because ever since I started wearing these pants, these ladies appear to come through a portal and they’re from different time periods—like where they don’t speak our language and they want me to come back with them because I’m pretty sure it’s a human sacrifice thing and I made up the part about them wanting my phone number because they clearly have no idea what a phone is. 10. I feel like the pants aren’t really pants. And then I look down and notice I’m in the park and I’m not wearing them. At first I’m like why does the crotch area of these pants look like my nutsack, and then I’m like, wait, that is my nutsack. Ed Mountaineer likes Taco Bell and funnel cakes. His love/hate relationship with Birddogs pants has led to a number of office “incidents” that have put him on remote status. If you would like to reach Ed, please contact him at [email protected]  In All-State insurance’s long running ad series, actor Dean Winters plays the personification of everything that could possibly go wrong in your life and why you should be insured just in case. The Intergalactic Business Report has always been a fan of these spots because we feel they warn us of a grim reality many of us are not willing to accept—namely that your smart house may go haywire and turn on your sprinkler system or that a college mascot might annihilate your automobile. After seeing the ad where “mahem” is a parking garage gate that’s “out of whack” and destroys your car, we thought of some other things you should insure against.
1. A clan of vermin learn to type and crawl into your home office, sending explicit texts and emails to your former Kindergarten students—and you just stopped teaching Kindergarten last year. “If you don’t bundle your home, life, and auto, you may be on the registered sex offender list.” 2. A voodoo priest decides to live in your basement. You don’t even know it because he has a spell where you’re down there watching t.v. and so is he but you don’t see him and just feel coldness like you’ve never felt before. But if you pay for All-State, they can cast a counter spell that reveals he’s living there and then at least it’s out in the open and maybe he’ll just leave on his own when he sees it’s not fun anymore? 3. Caveman bones surface in your backyard, and they reanimate to form living Neanderthals, who fuck up your lawn. You'll probably want to move after this and it’ll be super hard to sell your property after neighbors film the scene and post it all over the internet and your house becomes the focal point for a conspiracy theory about how radioactive waste buried in your yard brought ancient people back to life, but the insurance will cover the resodding. At least the first time it happens. After that, All-State raises your rates and you just let the cavemen trash everything while your neighbors film it and you’re like, Fuck it, maybe this radioactive waste will kill me and then reanimate me a thousand years from now too and me and the cavemen will just laugh about this. 4. Your butthole starts vacuuming up all your possessions. (The butthole is played by Dean Winters). 5. A pirate from another dimension where the pirates won, shows up in your garage and starts fucking things up. Now all those boxes of old porn are being picked up by the wind and landing in people’s lawns. Some people thank you. Some people start calling you the old perv on Cranberry Hill. They even write a song about it and it reaches number 17 on the Billboard Hot 100 (adult contemporary). 6. Your neighbor throws pumpkins at your house because he’s aiming at the vermin creeping up to your windows. This is terrible for your siding but All-State covers it and also pays to have the vermin removed from your house, but not before you’re listed as a sex offender (see above) and can never sell your house because it’s the one where the sex offender lives, and all the vermin were. 7. Your grandmother freaks out in your living room because a voice tells her if she destroys your house, the demons won’t ask her to kill again. “So get All-State and be better protected from Mayhem, like your grandmother losing her shit in your living room.” Note: Dean Winters has to work hard in this one to distinguish his grandmother from Norman Bates’ mom because there would be some kind of copyright infringement or something. |
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