 America is one of the few countries blessed to enjoy endless commercials for pharmaceutical companies and their products. Every time we turn on the t.v. we are treated to watching actors playing people with all manner of horrible conditions enjoying life in a world full of spontaneous concerts, sensible lunches with friends, and community activities—all thanks to them taking drugs. We’re rooting for these fake people, and we hope they get over their psoriasis, curved penises, and toe fungus.
Of course, each drug comes with ample side effects that subdue the pleasant scenes of dinner with friends and excursions to the lake. In fact, one ad stopped us cold with a dire warning we could not ignore because it was so specific and terrifying, we felt compelled to investigate. Turns out, part of the story of Jardiance, the “little pill with a big story to tell,” is that it could ruin your taint. Full disclosure: we have no idea what Jardiance is or what it does, other than possibly destroy this legendary part of your body. In the commercial, we hear that: “Serious side effects include…infection between and around the anus and genitals.” We’re also told this could be fatal. A few seconds later we are warned again: “Tell your doctor about lightheadedness, weakness, fever, pain, tenderness, redness, or swelling between the anus and genitals.” Sound the alarm and watch your taint. We admit that our “investigation” is mostly us watching the commercial over and over and pausing on the part where it describes your taint. We also have no idea what the percentage chance of taint damage or obliteration actually is. But if there is even a tiny possibility of your taint getting scorched because of a drug you take, then maybe you should be extremely cautious. On the other hand, one might argue that the taint, which is defined by what it is not, is an unimportant body area that is in many ways expendable. Other warnings about your balls getting zapped or your butthole being damaged are perhaps the ones we should really be concentrating on, but maybe this is just a prejudice we have about our taints? The word, “taint,” implies that the region between your nuts and your butthole is nothing more than a funny contraction, and for years we have treated it just that way. Certainly, there are those who cherish this “no man’s land” that connects two vital areas with a highway of skin that few care to travel on. A quick internet query that will also fuck up your search history reveals that the medical term for “taint” is the “perineum” which comes from the Greek, meaning, roughly, “ass to sex maker connector.” Regardless of the etymology, the taint has been a subject of ridicule, fascination, and horror. On our merch site, ibrmerch.com, we even feature a tee shirt that states: “Fresh taint, this ain’t” meaning the wearer has a taint that is unwashed, old, or in some other way disagreeable. Some people find this amusing. Others find it disgusting. Jardiance users may see it as a badge of honor. We don’t know. Send us your comments or whatever. While we are not medically certified or educated in any way, we do have a number of (meaning three) ideas for how Jardiance may improve their position as a drug that does something something but can also nuke your taint. Here they are: 1. Offer a “taint protector” with each prescription. This metal or impenetrable plastic will shield the area and impede burning and irritation. It could also become “cool” and a “fashion accessory.” 2. Preventative taint removal, just to be safe. 3. Soft Cell “tainted love” playing during the commercial. That’s all we’ve got. We are also done writing now. Goodbye. Professional panty sniffer asks why he wasn’t a “tester” for a New York Times Wirecutter article.5/22/2026  Open letter to the Wirecutter team: let me participate in your next panty sniffing test. By Miles Forbrich.
Dear New York Times Wirecutter team, My name is Miles Forbrich, and I read with great interest your recent article about rating women’s underwear. It seems a group of “testers” was assembled to sniff women’s panties and then report on the smell. While I applaud the exercise, I am concerned that I was not invited to participate. Before I go any further, I know some will question my credentials as a “professional” panty sniffer. Of course, I am not paid to take whiffs of women’s undergarments, because there is no real market for that. Or, rather, I should say there wasn’t a market for it until you started hiring panty sniffers for your testing team. I have other friends (let’s just call them Randy, Phil, and Burt “the schnazz” Tarkanian) who would have also jumped at this opportunity, and I hope you will keep them in mind for any future panty sniffing articles. But I believe even they would concede that no one has more experience and respect in this field than I do. Indeed, I have forgotten more about panty sniffing than most people know about the subject—probably because when I sniff panties I pass out and wake up hours later, not remembering what I was even doing until I have to remind myself, Oh yeah, you were sniffing panties again. In your article, one tester referred to the underwear she sniffed as “delicious.” What an amateur assessment. I have an entire system I use to rate crotch smells and would be embarrassed to say such a thing. Why not call the panties “delectable” or “yummy”? I must be honest that I was impressed by your tester who mentioned that she “gives undies a sniff almost every day to keep tabs on what’s going on down there.” Solid. And I appreciated that she measured the crustiness as well. She’s a keeper. I concede that. But she is also now a professional panty sniffer, while I remain, technically, amateur. Is that fair? I have spent the past 45 years sniffing, snorting, and inhaling women’s underwear and if all I had to do to get some recognition was become a New York Times reporter, don’t you think I would have changed the whole course of my life? High school newspaper. Journalism school. I could have been the kid with the fedora and the press badge everyone wanted to beat the shit out of. But instead, I hid my talents because I had no real outlet. I’m not blaming you for elevating the panty sniffing profession. You deserve congratulations and praise. But at least consider hiring from the vast pool of men who really really want to do this. O.K. maybe it’s not that vast. It’s mostly me and those dudes I mentioned before. But we are here and we sniff panties. I also want to throw out there that I’m not just a panty sniffer. I do other stuff too. Like film myself rooting around in people’s trash with my clothes off. Yes, that’s a thing. And I also can be hired as a real-life Teddy Ruxpin, who lives in your apartment and tells you stories and befriends you until I can’t hold it any longer and I shit my costume. And no, that’s not a thing, except for me. In conclusion, I just want to say that I hope my plea passes “the smell test” and you make me something like the New York Times official panty sniffer. I think that would show a commitment to diversity and maybe climate change. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Passionately, Miles Forbrich, CEO, Crotch Inhalers, LLC. Miles Forbrich is a professional panty sniffer who wants to be paid for his work. Please do not try to contact him through us.  If you own a television, you’ve seen endless commercials begging you to trust “Car Shield” to insure your automobile against untimely repairs that could cost you thousands. Celebrities like Ice T walk you through what happens when you need to fix your car and how Car Shield is “there for you,” but the most compelling endorsements come from two auto mechanics who assure you that Car Shield is what you need in case anything goes wrong with your vehicle.
As a service to our readers, the Intergalactic Business Report takes seriously corporate claims about what consumers “need,” and we went deep in examining the non-celebrity experts shown in the ads. What we found was nothing short of astounding, as we uncovered that the mechanics interviewed were the most trustworthy advocates for your well-being as a customer. Take the father-son duo Paul and Pete, who are definitely father and son, who tell a female advertorial reporter that if you don’t have Car Shield, you could end up paying thousands in auto repairs. Their sincerity as they tell stories of the downtrodden who did NOT have Car Shield and found themselves at their mercy as they charged them thousands, is gripping and real. We fully endorse these two men as beacons for car security and justice and, because of them, we believe paying money to Car Shield means you never have to worry again—about anything. Because there is a longstanding myth that male auto mechanics take financial advantage of female customers, we work to dispel that notion as we offer a litany of reasons why women everywhere should trust the father-son Car Shield mechanics. While our assessments are based solely on conjecture and stereotypes about East Coast-looking blue-collar men, we still list several unverifiable reasons women should let these noble dudes guide their decisions—all of their decisions—forevermore. Reasons women should trust the father-son Car Shield mechanics. -Their stories about women entering their shop and crying are realistic and true. -They look like they own a van together, that’s not covered by Car Shield, but where they take strippers who want to party after hours. -After the interview, they for sure asked the reporter if she wanted to do a three way. Then they made a joke about lube, which she didn’t understand. -Mechanics operate under a code of honor that prohibits them from making false claims about the condition of your car or what it may need to have repaired, replaced, or added. It’s like you’re talking to a knight of the round table only he’s wearing overalls and you’re pretty sure you went to high school with him, and he was a dick. -They treat men and women equally and without condescension or leering as they enter and leave their shop. -They coach Little League and give back to the community or some shit like that. -They have a “philosophical side” where they tell you about the difference between men and women and that there are “two different” kinds of both of them. -They have a “sensitive side” where they try to have sex with you as the sun is setting on the beach and there are other people around, but who gives a shit because you’ve got a beach towel. -They have posters of women in bikinis in their bathroom even though you can’t find posters of women in bikinis anymore (except in their bathroom). -They argue with each other about sandwiches. -Their search histories are just “hot chick fucks mechanic.” -Their Car Shield speech is eerily similar to the speech they give about not wearing condoms. -They have the Pacino-Deniro scene in “Heat” memorized and they switch off between who’s Pacino and who’s Deniro and get pissed off when one of them flubs a line. -If you date them, it’s about three weeks in before they’re talking to you while taking a dump with the door wide open.  The Modelo “recruiter” is a cowboy who goes around the country passing out beer to people who are so delusional they believe they can change the outcome of college football games with their minds; pathetically fit in with their in-laws by becoming more fanatical than they are; and who create custom clothing proclaiming national championships that never happened (and never will).
One would expect Modelo’s new mascot to be someone who makes you feel cool for being associated with him. But if this motherfucker shows up and hands you a beer, it’s time to check yourself into a group home. As he journeys through backyards, bars, and parking lots, the cowboy is a pied piper for the mentally ill, rewarding them with alcohol for their devotion to insane, magical, and compulsive beliefs. In other words, we fully endorse Modelo and their cowboy as the best and most brilliant manifestation of every corporate pitch, sales strategy, and trademark. The cowboy now stands on top of a pile of dead competitor ideas, and he pisses all over them. But in a cool way. Fuck Tony the Tiger and the Pilsbury Doughboy. It needed to be said. Because those dickheads have been replaced by a new era of endorsements—done by people who embrace hallucinations and compulsive disorders because that’s what sells beer, damn it. As the revolution continues, we stoke the subversive fire with our own suggestions for what should come next. 5 Ad concepts that tap into Modelo’s groundbreaking push to celebrate delusional thought. 1. The Orkin man finds Jerry “I can’t get the spiders off me” Rudolph and throws him a can of bug spray. 2. The Reynolds Wrap “Rapper” hands out aluminum foil to conspiracy theorists so they can make hats. He also raps. 3. Servpro comes into a destroyed home and restores it so that it looks like “it never happened.” Then they try to psychologically convince the family that it really never actually happened. 4. The National Dental Association officially bans putting government tracking and listening devices in your teeth and pledges to remove all the old ones they already put in. The message is delivered by “Surveilly,” a giant tooth with a radio antenna coming out of it. At the end of the commercial he rips out all his wiring to show he’s serious. 5. Fuddruckers airs a commercial where the CEO promises that none of his employees will spit in your food. And he kind of hints that other restaurants can’t guarantee that.  Just like the cool Apple AI ads where dumb people trick their bosses and coworkers into thinking they’re competent, the Intergalactic Business Report’s own AI model, CHAT IBR* works overtime to correct interoffice emails and documents we’ve sent and make them sound more professional. Below, we show you the before and after, and you may be astounded by the results.
DOCUMENT ONE (ORIGINAL) Let’s start with a typical note you may send to an employee on her first week of work: Hi Lacy, I hope everything is going well your first week in the office. Please let me know if I can answer any questions or be of assistance. I also wanted to check in with you about the data report to see how it’s going. Just reach out if there’s anything I can do to help. Have a great week! Sincerely, Buck Sorenson Now, let’s run this through CHAT IBR to see how a boring work note can be transformed into an exciting invitation to change the world. DOCUMENT ONE, CHAT IBR (Business drunk mode) Dear Lacy, What up, (can I use the word Bitch or are we not close enough for that? Lemme know offline). Where’s my twinkies? You PROMISED ME you’d gimme twinkies and now I’m MAAAAAAD. Whatever. I can’t make you get me twinkies, I guess. But I CAN ask you for that data report. Where is it? WHERE is it? WHERE DA FUCK IS IT? (Get me dem twinkies) Sincerely, YER BOSS DOCUMENT TWO (ORIGINAL) How many times do you need to respond to an invitation to a charity or social event? If you’re like Dave (below) you spend way too much effort crafting an email like this… Hi Abe, Looking forward to the golf benefit this weekend. I’m always happy to contribute to a good cause… and get in a round of golf or two while I’m at it! I will be at the course for the nine a.m. tee time and I plan to stay for lunch. Please give my best to Tamra and the kids. Cheers, Dave Now let’s see how CHAT IBR can turn Dave’s weekend into something special with this response: DOCUMENT TWO, CHAT IBR (gay stereotype mode) Hey girlfriend! Time to break out some rosé and start the weekend! I have lots of new clothes to wear and I’m sure they will attract lots of MEN. Hello! Did a man just walk by? Yum. Yes please. Anyway, back to thinking about sex with men. Toodly doo! Dave DOCUMENT THREE (ORIGINAL) You promised the clerk at the front desk you’d write a hotel review and mention him, but when it comes time to do it, you end up struggling to compose something like this: FROM: Cynthia M. Hotel guest. The Hotel Lux was AMAZING. Great rooms, great service, and great location! Alex P. made our trip special. He was very attentive and helped my husband find a perfect restaurant for our anniversary. I will definitely be staying here again next time I’m in town. Kudos to Hotel Lux and thank you, Alex P! Not bad. Totally serviceable. But how much time did that take out of your day to think up the words and type them? Consider all the things Cynthia could have been doing instead, like making more money and also Instagram stuff. Check out how CHAT IBR takes her run of the mill review and makes it shine. DOCUMENT THREE, IBR CHAT (uncomfortable, might want to put me on a watchlist or something mode) FROM: Cynthia M. Hotel guest. My name is Cynthia Margo and I LOVE the Hotel Lux. I love it so much I want to have sex with it. Hahahahahaha. Don’t use the bathroom in room 617 because I completely blew that shit up! Also, thank you to Alex Prater who works your front desk. That little motherfucker got us drugs. Thank you, ALEX PRATER. For the drugs. Also, I think I killed someone. DOCUMENT FOUR (ORIGINAL) Here is an actual letter from our own office. This was drafted by our intern, Lawrence DeGraf. He’s a thoughtful kid and wrote it to defuse a potential inflammatory legal situation we were facing. Here’s what Lawrence came up with: Dear Mr. Reynolds: Thank you for your recent letter. It was a thrill for our staff to hear from you since we are all great fans of your work. We do realize that yours was not a friendly message and that you are upset with our depiction of you in many of our articles. We were saddened to hear that you feel this way and will try our best to improve our fact-checking, the validity of our sources, as well as keep our employees from attempting to find and bother you at your home. In the meanwhile, we would appreciate your patience and hope you will consider not moving forward with legal action. We have held indefinitely all articles relating to you, your businesses, and personal life as a gesture of good faith. Please let us know if we can answer questions or be of any help at all. Sincerely, The editorial board of the Intergalactic Business Report. Pretty good, right? Now see the improvement when we run it through Chat IBR: DOCUMENT FOUR, CHAT IBR (fuck you, motherfucker mode) Hey Ryan! So you’re gonna sue us, huh? Is that what you’re up to? Is that what you’re doing now? Look at me! I’m Ryan fucking Reynolds. Big time movie star. Cheap ass telephone salesman. Encourager of pilots to drink while flying. That’s me! Ryan Reynolds. Bottom line, Ry. Not only will we not comply with your horse shit, but we will have a completely new section of the Intergalactic Business Report dedicated to exposing your horse shit. What do you think of that? Huh? Also, can we get your address? Not your lawyer’s? He’s a dick. A DICK. If we ever go to court, we will choose to defend ourselves just so we can DEFEAT and DESTROY him. And we don’t even have law degrees! Or degrees even. Or a car to get to the court room. So don’t expect us to even show, motherfucker. Up your long butthole tunnel, The Intergalactic Business Report. *Chat IBR is run entirely by our AI intern/assistant editor Lawrence DeGraf. Lawrence DeGraf is the Artificial Intelligence intern at the Intergalactic Business Report. He can be reached at [email protected].  When Cracker Barrel announced it would return to its original logo and restaurant design following a craterous decision to make the brand more appealing to new, more left-leaning customers, corporate America took notice, reconsidering many of its planned rebrands for everything from tequila to Nascar.
Through secret file searches* the Intergalactic Business Report now reveals potential awokenings that may or may not be implemented. We share them with you, below: Potential “woke” rebrands that may or may not happen soon: Don Pablo Tequila. “Rhonda abortion doctor agave drink.” Fancy Feast cat food. “Po boy salsa socialist scrap feed.” NASCAR. “Drive for intersexual lesbian rights.” SEC football. “Gay boy touching club.” Grand ole Opry. “Somewhat new orgy.” Marlboro. “Nonbinary smokey sticks.” Bo Jangles. “Bo Jango Unchained.” Sambos. “Malcom’s” Waffle House. “Chicken and Waffle House.” WWE. “Weird Wet Enemas.” Wrangler jeans. “Queer pants.” The estate of Sean Connery. “The estate of Moby.” Conan the Barbarian. “Meghan the Lesbian Librarian.” Andrew Tate. “Harry Styles.” *All files were located in our ass, and we pulled them out for this article.  Coors light or Blue Moon? Maccallan or Ripple? What you drink says more about you than you may think. When you roll into a liquor store and pack your cart with inebriants, your personality and lifestyle influence every choice you make. It’s a classic chicken or the eggnog question. Did you find the booze or did it find you?
As Drunk People Awareness Month rolls into its final days, the Intergalactic Business Report brings you an until now secret assessment of how your alcohol choice defines you. Using information from top secret corporate files*, we reveal what the companies themselves think of you. 1. Coors light. For douchebags who need to hold something when they are douching out. Also for when they want to put something on their pursed lips and sippy sip. This is for them. 2. Colt 45. Don’t fuck with these people. Just give them the beer, uh, malt liquor. We don’t want any trouble. 3. Ron Pablo tequila. Not a real brand. But you’d drink it, wouldn’t you? What does that say about YOU? 4. Miller Lite. For men who’ve given up trying to be anything other than the dude with the baseball cap who’s doing something something. 5. High Noon. Miller Lite for women. 6. Hamm’s. Don’t fuck with these people. Just give them the beer, uh, fermented corn syrup drink. We don’t want any trouble. 7. Dewar’s. Serious alcoholics on a budget. 8. White Claw. Potential pedophiles. Start with this. 9. Grey Goose. Women who don’t drink and are only able to remember an alliterative name. Also for women who drink so much they can only remember an alliterative name and if that leads to them getting drunk then who cares what it is? 10. Tito’s. For people who would drink grain alcohol if it was only 80 proof. *Our ass.  In a bold play to appeal to the own-brother-jerkoff market, mega distillery Diageo has co-branded with HBO Max’s “White Lotus” in a series of ads featuring Patrick Schwarzenegger, tending bar and drinking cocktails. While the two liquors probably should never be mixed, Ketel One and Tanqueray are like two brothers jerking each other off. That’s an analogy. More committed to brotherly love than the city of Philadelphia, Diageo and White Lotus have put their hands on the throbbing new market of incest dudes, which is growing rapidly the more they touch it. We don’t usually do this, but, in a turn of corporate charity, the Intergalactic Business Report has mocked up a series of ads for the company to use free of charge. We feel these truly capture the essence of what you’re trying to say in a subtler tone that reaches your demographic in an elegant and sophisticated way. These are yours now. Take good care of them. You’re welcome.         16 new unbelievable benefits from United Airlines for MileagePlus members and credit card holders.3/30/2025  United Airlines announced awesome new benefits to its cardholders and MileagePlus members including raising the cost of yearly fees, limiting the amount of guests you can take to their lounges, and, as if that weren’t great enough, adding more restrictions to reach elite status. United customers are surely mesmerized with misplaced sexual energy towards a company that gives as much as that guy you dated who told you lasting 30 seconds and having a micropenis is normal. Not since “Love is Hate,” and “Arbeit macht Frei” has any institution articulated its value proposition better.
Instead of doing the boring old thing where they say they’re sorry or give some made-up business reason for increasing prices and limiting benefits, United went all out in boldly telling its credit card supplicants that getting a discount for Instacart will make up for all the reasons they got a United card in the first place. We salute United’s daring stance and suggest some new ideas we hope will be offered in the next phase of conquering consumers’ hearts and minds. New United Airlines benefits for MileagePlus and United credit card holders: 1. You get to use any public porta-john anywhere in the world for FREE. Just show your United credit card. Or don’t. 2. There is no charge for natural wind you may feel on your face (until January 2026). This excludes air you may feel from that thing that blows on you during flights. That is now a premium feature. 3. Your miles may now be calculated by a calculator. MileagePlus customers are encouraged to press all the buttons and challenge their minds to figure out how using miles works. Please contact us if you discover the secret. We are very interested in knowing. 4. All public restrooms worldwide including porta-johns (see above) are now free. 5. The usual greeting by our flight attendants when you board will be enhanced slightly from “Hi,” to a full “Hello.” 6. The United Club Lounge will offer a full-time severely ill man to cough on you. This replaces the part-time Ebola patients employed currently. 7. You get to KEEP your bags after your flight! Sometimes. Restrictions apply. 8. We made our in-flight bathrooms even SMALLER so that children find them less intimidating and so that YOU can pretend you are a tiny Filipino man or dwarf who’s using an in-flight bathroom. 9. Access to the mile high club is now limited to (see above) small Filipino men and dwarves. 10. We’re investing in passport holders for our pilots, so they don’t have to turn planes around. 11. United Club Lounges will feature several more hot and cold selections that will challenge you to play “food poisoning roulette” before getting on your flight. 12. Credit card holders receive a free Redbox membership. 13. Our new partnership with 23 and Me gives you free access to other people’s genomes. 14. We will pay for your Tubi subscription. 15. Your limbs will be counted as guests in our United Lounge. You may only bring one guest into the club. 16. All customers who signed up for a credit card or are MileagePlus members will have a coupon for a free bottle of Astroglide Lubricant to ease the pain and make this more enjoyable for both of us.  Why didn't we see more Squatty Potty ads of cavemen taking dumps? Super Bowl Monday has been famously called, “the day we talk about teams we never cared about before yesterday and commercials from companies so rich they spend a zillion dollars on ad time, celebrities, and special effects, but still need our money.” Probably Mark Twain. Maybe there was also something about being hungover at work because you drank 13 shitty beers and wiped wing sauce off on your pants by accident. Not that the wing sauce would make you hungover, but you get it.
As we dig into this day of scattered emotions, misdirected anger, and regret, let us also recognize that many teams sat home and did not play. And that many commercials did as well. Today, the Intergalactic Business Report honors those ads that did not make the cut—either because they were too controversial, cost too much money, or simply didn’t exist. While the actual advertisements were never made, we did discover the working titles that, we feel, pretty much tell the story. Cicis Pizza. “Somebody did something to the food. But we fired him. It’s safe to eat here now.” Viking Cruises. “Old person three ways happen here.” Mercedes. “So great at what we do you’re lucky Hitler didn’t use us more.” Cheetos. “See how many of these I can stuff in my fat mouth.” Jeep. “Rugged. Like a bunch of dudes with mustaches having sex with each other.” Taco John’s. “We took a shit in your taco, and it still tastes like maybe we didn’t.” Squatty Potty. “What the fuck are we even doing?” Secondary title: “How did it get to this?” America’s Pharmaceutical Companies. “Our sacred pledge: Gazillions of dollars in research to fight toenail fungus, curved boners, and disobedient old people.” Lume Deodorant. “Showing you nasty feet and alluding to your taint. It's like a fetish we have.” |
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