Cracker Barrel and Bud Light paid the price for going woke. We tell you who’s next.

When Cracker Barrel announced it would return to its original logo and restaurant design following a craterous decision to make the brand more appealing to new, more left-leaning customers, corporate America took notice, reconsidering many of its planned rebrands for everything from tequila to Nascar. 

Through secret file searches* the Intergalactic Business Report now reveals potential awokenings that may or may not be implemented. We share them with you, below:
 
Potential “woke” rebrands that may or may not happen soon:

Don Pablo Tequila. “Rhonda abortion doctor agave drink.”

Fancy Feast cat food. “Po boy salsa socialist scrap feed.”

NASCAR. “Drive for intersexual lesbian rights.”

SEC football. “Gay boy touching club.”

Grand ole Opry. “Somewhat new orgy.”

Marlboro. “Nonbinary smokey sticks.”

Bo Jangles. “Bo Jango Unchained.”

Sambos. “Malcom’s”

Waffle House. “Chicken and Waffle House.”

WWE. “Weird Wet Enemas.”

Wrangler jeans. “Queer pants.”

The estate of Sean Connery. “The estate of Moby.”

Conan the Barbarian.  “Meghan the Lesbian Librarian.” 
​
Andrew Tate. “Harry Styles.”
 
*All files were located in our ass, and we pulled them out for this article. 

Terrible merch