Athletic shoes have come a long way since Richie Cunningham took bucket shot free throws and wore whatever he wore. Today, multiple shoe companies compete for your attention and dollars as they beg you to be loyal to their brand.
As a special reader benefit, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you the power to make the right choice as it takes you behind the rubber, leather, and synthetic materials and tells you what the biggest shoe brands are really saying.
Nike: For the serious athlete who wants his shoes assembled by a 12-year-old kid with an AK-47 pointed at his head in an Asian sweatshop.
Adidas: What Hitler would wear if he played sports.
Puma: The shoes people in orgies wear, when they decide to wear shoes.
Reebok: We’re named after an Apartheid animal. Let’s go exercise or something.
New Balance: What you wear if you’re a dad and given up on looking cool, even a little bit.
Saucony: Kind of sounds like, “Suck on these.” That’s on purpose.
Brooks: If our shoes were all white, they’d look like those things old nurses and waitresses wear.
Asics: We’re (b) asic (s).
Under Armour: We make tight shirts to wear underneath your real shirt. Now we own a factory in China that makes shoes too. Wanna wear them?
Oh, that's what they're really saying.