You’re hungry. Or you need gas. Or you just want to pay seventeen dollars for really crappy beer and beef jerky. Convenience stores offer us quick and easy products that we always regret paying for and consuming. But you know you’re going to be back as soon as you crave a mystery sausage that’s been spinning on a spit in a fake heated glass box and you also need to take a dump in a toilet that doesn’t flush.
As your body attempts to figure out what you just ate and you realize you just spent thirty-seven dollars for a pack of cigarettes, you start to wonder why the store that just ripped you off has such a crazy-sounding name.
The Intergalactic Business Report goes behind the slurpy machines to give you the true meaning behind each of these brand leaders.
7 eleven. The estimated height of the guy who shits in our bathrooms based on the size of the turd still floating in the toilet.
Circle K. We wanted to go with “Circle Jerk” but circle jerkers were offended because they’re much more sanitary.
Bigfoot. We named it Bigfoot because seeing something in our store that won’t give you food poisoning is exactly the same likelihood as seeing a Sasquatch.
Kum and go. Celebrating our history as a masturbation stop for wayward truckers and just regular dudes who whack off at convenience stores.
Minuteman. Named after soldiers who could shoot and reload in one minute. Just like the guys who use our bathrooms.
Sheetz. What you get from eating anything from our store.
Oh, that's what they're really saying.