Corporations have responded quickly to the Coronavirus epidemic and have changed their messaging to suit a planet of quarantined home-dwellers who can’t get their hair cut. But beneath their cheery, uplifting well wishes, what are they really saying? The Intergalactic Business Report lets you know.
Purell. Probably your only shot at not dying.
Southwest Airlines. When people got sucked out of our windows a few years ago, we felt bad. Now we feel worse.
Banker’s Club vodka. Isn’t it time you got drunk again?
Instacart. Not instant. Not a cart. But we will bring you a mystery bag of food you didn’t order. So shut up.
Wendy’s. Arby’s needs to shut its damn mouth.
Clorox wipes. Wipe the death away.
Home Depot. A lot of our stuff can be turned into weapons.
Hobby Lobby. NOT OPEN. Tee hee.
Uber Eats. Cab driver touched food is safe. Come on. Eat it.
Dasani water. Seriously? You guys are all assholes.
Oh, that's what they're really saying.