With the click of a button you can now hook up with someone else who’s clicked a button. Oh, and you need to take a fake picture of yourself too. But how do you decide where you should post those fake pictures and click those buttons?
The Intergalactic Business Report’s proprietary brand deconstruction system tangles with online dating and gives you the real messages the industry doesn’t want you to know.
Tinder. Your life if it were a porn. Oh wait. We guess it is now.
Match. “Match” your herpes with someone else’s gonorrhea.
E-Harmony. We thought it was a good idea to feature fourteen-year old looking people in our ads now.
Farmers Only. Hold my dip cup while I make out with you.
Elite Singles. Truly elite people always use the word “elite.”
Christian Mingle. “Christian Fucking” didn’t sound right for some reason.
OkCupid. Not great or amazing. Just O.K.
Zoosk. The sound of you grabbing your car keys and running out of your hookup’s apartment at 3 a.m.
Oh, that's what they're really saying.