Like Apple AI only better? New Chat IBR rewrites all our stuff.

Just like the cool Apple AI ads where dumb people trick their bosses and coworkers into thinking they’re competent, the Intergalactic Business Report’s own AI model, Chat IBR* works overtime to correct interoffice emails and documents we’ve sent and make them sound more professional. Below, we show you the before and after, and you may be astounded by the results.
 
DOCUMENT ONE (ORIGINAL) 
 
Let’s start with a typical note you may send to an employee on her first week of work:
 
Hi Lacy,
 
I hope everything is going well your first week in the office. Please let me know if I can answer any questions or be of assistance. I also wanted to check in with you about the data report to see how it’s going. Just reach out if there’s anything I can do to help. 
 
Have a great week!
 
Sincerely,
 
Buck Sorenson
 
Now, let’s run this through CHAT IBR to see how a boring work note can be transformed into an exciting invitation to change the world.
 
DOCUMENT ONE, CHAT IBR (Business drunk mode)
 
Dear Lacy,
 
What up, (can I use the word Bitch or are we not close enough for that? Lemme know offline).
 
Where’s my twinkies? You PROMISED ME you’d gimme twinkies and now I’m MAAAAAAD. Whatever. I can’t make you get me twinkies, I guess. But I CAN ask you for that data report. Where is it? WHERE is it? WHERE DA FUCK IS IT?
 
(Get me dem twinkies)
 
Sincerely,
 
YER BOSS
 
 
DOCUMENT TWO (ORIGINAL)
 
How many times do you need to respond to an invitation to a charity or social event? If you’re like Dave (below) you spend way too much effort crafting an email like this…
 
Hi Abe,
 
Looking forward to the golf benefit this weekend. I’m always happy to contribute to a good cause… and get in a round of golf or two while I’m at it! I will be at the course for the nine-a.m. tee time and I plan to stay for lunch.
 
Please give my best to Tamra and the kids.
 
Best,
 
Dave 
 
Now let’s see how CHAT IBR can turn Dave’s weekend into something special with this response: 
 
DOCUMENT TWO, CHAT IBR (gay stereotype mode)
 
Hey girlfriend!
 
Time to break out some rosé and start the weekend! I have lots of new clothes to wear and I’m sure they will attract lots of MEN. Hello! Did a man just walk by? Yum. Yes please. Anyway, back to thinking about sex with men. 
 
Toodly doo!
 
Dave
 
DOCUMENT THREE (ORIGINAL)
 
You promised the clerk at the front desk you’d write a hotel review and mention him, but when it comes time to do it, you end up struggling to compose something like this:
 
FROM: Cynthia M. Hotel guest.
 
The Hotel Lux was AMAZING. Great rooms, great service, and great location! Alex P. made our trip special. He was very attentive and helped my husband find a perfect restaurant for our anniversary. I will definitely be staying here again next time I’m in town. Kudos to Hotel Lux and thank you, Alex P!
 
Not bad. Totally serviceable. But how much time did that take out of your day to think up the words and type them? Consider all the things, Cynthia could have been doing instead like making more money and also Instagram stuff. Check out how CHAT IBR takes her run of the mill review and makes it shine.
 
DOCUMENT THREE, IBR CHAT (uncomfortable, might want to put me on a watchlist or something mode)
 
 
FROM: Cynthia M. Hotel guest.
 
My name is Cynthia Margo and I LOVE the Hotel Lux. I love it so much I want to have sex with it. Hahahahahaha. Don’t use the bathroom in room 617 because I completely blew that shit up! Also, thank you to Alex Prater who works your front desk. That little motherfucker got us drugs. Thank you, ALEX PRATER. For the drugs. Also, I think I killed someone. 
 
DOCUMENT FOUR (ORIGINAL)
 
Here is an actual letter from our own office. This was drafted by our intern, Lawrence DeGraf. He’s a thoughtful kid and wrote it to defuse a potential inflammatory legal situation we were facing. Here’s what Lawrence came up with:
 
Dear Mr. Reynolds:
 
Thank you for your recent letter. It was a thrill for our staff to hear from you since we are all great fans of your work. We do realize that yours was not a friendly message and that you are upset with our depiction of you in many of our articles. 
 
We were saddened to hear that you feel this way and will try our best to improve our fact-checking, the validity of our sources, as well as keep our employees from attempting to find and bother you at your home. 
 
In the meanwhile, we would appreciate your patience and hope you will consider not moving forward with legal action. We have held indefinitely all articles relating to you, your businesses, and personal life indefinitely as a gesture of good faith. 
 
Please let us know if we can answer questions or be of any help at all.
 
Sincerely,
 
The editorial board of the Intergalactic Business Report
 
 
Pretty good, right? Now see the improvement when we run it through Chat IBR:
 
DOCUMENT FOUR, CHAT IBR (fuck you, motherfucker mode)
 
Hey Ryan!
 
So you’re gonna sue us, huh? Is that what you’re up to? Is that what you’re doing now? Look at me! I’m Ryan fucking Reynolds. Big time movie star. Cheap ass telephone salesman. Encourager of pilots to drink while flying. That’s me! Ryan Reynolds.
 
Bottom line, Ry. Not only will we not comply with your horse shit, but we will have a completely new section of the Intergalactic Business Report dedicated to exposing your horse shit. What do you think of that? Huh?
 
Also, can we get your address? Not your lawyer’s? He’s a dick. A DICK. If we ever go to court, we will choose to defend ourselves just so we can DEFEAT and DESTROY him. And we don’t even have law degrees! Or degrees even. Or a car to get to the court room. So don’t expect us to even show, motherfucker. 
 
Up your long butthole tunnel,
 
The Intergalactic Business Report
 
 
 
*Chat IBR is run entirely by our AI intern/assistant editor Lawrence DeGraf. 
 
Lawrence DeGraf is the Artificial Intelligence intern at the Intergalactic Business Report. He can be reached at [email protected].

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