Malls. You shop there almost because you have to. But not really. Or do you? It doesn’t matter because every holiday you wind up there somehow, and you feel forced to buy something.
As you roll through the mall this season and try to not make eye contact with teenagers and that guy with his hand down his pants, consider what the major mall brands are really telling you. The Intergalactic Business Report offers its guide of hidden brand messages for mall stores:
Forever 21. We wanted to go with Forever 18, but our lawyers talked us into this.
American Eagle. If the Nazis were from America and had a store in the mall they’d name it this.
Argo Tea. We know… How the fuck are we still in business?
The Art of Shaving. We named this store when “deez nuts” jokes were still popular.
Gap. If you can’t find a restroom, here we are.
Barnes and Nobles. People who don’t read giving books to people who don’t read. That’s our thing.
Build a Bear Workshop. We tried to invent “build a girlfriend workshop” but settled for this instead.
Eddie Bauer. If you’d never heard of our store and just heard “Eddie Bauer” you’d think we were talking about the kid who’d pull his pants down in front of you at recess.
Hollister. Our store is really just a giant douchebag container.
Lululemon. Your fat ass. Our tight pants.
Nordstrom. Such great service you’ll want to ask us for a blowjob, just to see.
Tumi. Wanna pay a thousand dollars for a box to put your clothes in?
Victoria’s Secret. If you don’t rip our clothes off her, they’ll fall apart on their own.
Vineyard Vines. For the next generation of Ted Kennedys.
Hotels are where you go when you need to sleep somewhere and decide to pay money to do it on someone’s stained semen after you watch pay per view porn.
But which semen-stained bed should you choose? The Intergalactic Business Report helps you decide by showing you the hidden brand messages behind each of these chains:
Marriott: It’s hotter to watch porn in a Mormon hotel.
Super 8: The word “suppurate” means to produce puss. We’re not even making that one up.
Holiday Inn: “Ho Inn” for short.
Ritz Carlton: Rich people’s jizz is better than Motel 6 jizz.
Sofitel: We say, “Bon jour” when you arrive. Now let’s speak English.
Red Roof Inn: The finest of the “murder hotels.”
Best Western: When your options are us or Jeff’s back seat.
Motel 6: We’ll keep the light on for you so you can see the face of the guy who’s murdering you.
Comfort Inn: Are you “comfortable” sleeping on someone’s jizz stains?
With the click of a button you can now hook up with someone else who’s clicked a button. Oh, and you need to take a fake picture of yourself too. But how do you decide where you should post those fake pictures and click those buttons?
The Intergalactic Business Report’s proprietary brand deconstruction system tangles with online dating and gives you the real messages the industry doesn’t want you to know.
Tinder. Your life if it were a porn. Oh wait. We guess it is now.
Match. “Match” your herpes with someone else’s gonorrhea.
E-Harmony. We thought it was a good idea to feature fourteen-year old looking people in our ads now.
Farmers Only. Hold my dip cup while I make out with you.
Elite Singles. Truly elite people always use the word “elite.”
Christian Mingle. “Christian Fucking” didn’t sound right for some reason.
OkCupid. Not great or amazing. Just O.K.
Zoosk. The sound of you grabbing your car keys and running out of your hookup’s apartment at 3 a.m.
Drugs are bad. Or are they good? We don’t know, but people seem to love them. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report’s proprietary brand deconstruction system breaks down Big Pharma’s most enticing concoctions and what’s really behind their messages.
Cialis. This boner pill will get you through an entire work day.
Chantix. Listen to creepy Ray. He put these pills in his mouth and he’s in movies.
Humira. Take this and you might not get cancer. Or you will. We don’t know.
Celebrex. Take this or your own dog will hate you.
Lyrica. We thought showing people rub their feet would make you want to put our pills in your mouth.
Truvada. Remember that orgy you were afraid to go to? Call Ricky and tell him you’re back in.
Kyleena. Stupid AND horny? We got you.
Viberzi. Why is Kathy Griffin at your doctor’s appointment?
Rexulti. If you took anti-depressants and still feel like shit, we have a solution: Take some more.
Yoghurt. That weird tasting food you hope someone didn't do something to before you eat it, because you wouldn't know if he did. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report goes behind what Big Yoghurt wants you to see and reveals what they're actually saying.
Fage. We spent zillions on a campaign to tell everyone that it’s pronounced “Fah-Yeh,” because we were terrified some eighth-grade boys might ridicule us. Bonus: Bobby Flay seems straight, right?
Yoplait. French for “sugar bacteria.”
Noosa. That name sounds yoghurty, right?
Chaboni. Named after a girl from a 1983 movie about a tough teacher at an inner city school.
Dannon Oykos (Greek). Have a taste of John Stamos’ seamen.
Dannon (regular). Have a taste of John Stamos’ seamen.
Activa. If you want to picture Jamie Lee Curtis taking a dump, eat this.
So depressed by air travel that you think all airlines are the same? Think again. They’re all pretty bad, but there’s definitely a difference. Choose what you hate least by examining the Intergalactic Business Report’s exclusive study of the messages behind our biggest airlines (and some we just threw in there).
United: At the cutting edge of stuff that makes flying miserable. Bonus: Sit there, mongrel!
Southwest: If you miss Kindergarten, you’ll love it when we yell at you for not standing in the right row. Bonus: Costs the same as every other airline, but we make you wait in line for your seat.
Emirates: If you’re a douche… And you have a corporate credit card…
American: We hate you. Bonus: Us: Assholes. You: walking cargo.
Alaska: We put Bob Marley on the side of our planes. So… that makes us cool, right?
Spirit: Hoping someone will finally figure out we’re a swingers’ club.
Virgin: We thought being cool and making flying fun was a good idea. Yeah… we actually thought that.
Frontier: Why do we even have seatbelts?
Tired of listening to that asshole who says all vodka is the same? Then read on as The Intergalactic Business Report examines the inside deal on the world's top vodka brands (and some you just drink because, well, you've given up...).
Using our proprietary brand deconstruction system, we tell you what the real message is behind the fancy ads and stupid looking bottles.
1. Grey Goose. Be a classy alcoholic.
2. Smirnoff. Fuck it. Let’s get drunk.
3. Banker’s Club. When Smirnoff is too fancy, get drunk with us.
4. Tito’s. We’re from Austin, so we had to make our name sound like a taco truck.
5. Ketel One. Ketel Two is where we take shits.
6. Stolichnaya. Your first step in being an ‘80’s asshole. Bonus: Chernobyl what?
7. Belvedere. Try drinking this without thinking of the theme song to “Mr. Belvedere.”
8. Absolut. Drink enough and the nonsense on our bottles will start making sense.
9. Chopin. Inspired by drunk piano players.
10. Ciroc. Drink this and you may wake up at P-diddy’s house tomorrow. Or in your lame apartment. Yeah, probably there.
Online shopping has increased by 8 zillion percent from 1985, when it didn't exist. Now you can buy anything by typing, clicking, and giving your personal information to a company who will soon after send you an email saying you've been "compromised." Why walk to a real store and risk being mugged, when you can have it done virtually from the comfort of your lazy couch? Anyway, here's what's behind the biggest online shopping brands.
1. Wayfair: for men who want to finally come out to their wives.
2. Amazon: Stuck with a name that wasn’t even cool in the 90’s.
3. Overstock: We were going to name it crap warehouse…
4. Walmart.com: Buy our crap without having to smell the people in our store.
5. Ebay: God knows where this shit has been.
6. Zappos: In another life, we would have been a clown.
7. Craig’s list: The merchandise costs money. The murdering when you come to pick it up is free.
Once again, our proprietary research brings you the hidden messages behind the world's most popular brands (as well as some that people don't really give a shit about). This week, we focus on beer.
Bud Light: Our beer sucks, so here’s a lame new catchphrase you can repeat to your lame friends.
Dos Equis: We’re not really Mexican, so here’s some weird shit to make you not think about that.
Heineken: If you’re a douche, you’re already drinking our beer and that’s good enough for us.
Coors Light: The only way you can drink this shit is if it’s so cold it doesn’t matter.
Old style: This is what you drink right before you kill yourself.
Corona: Mexicans don’t drink our beer but dickheads from 80’s beach movies do.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: For 25-year-old assholes with beards.
Sam Adams: If we weren’t constantly telling you how great our beer is, you’d just drink it and say, “Yeah, this tastes like Miller Lite.”
Miller lite: When you really just don’t give a shit about anything anymore, drink this.
Every week, or month, or whenever, we break down what brands are really saying about themselves. Yes, this is scientific. We look at current and past ad campaigns, observe customers and corporate culture, and even sometimes eat, drive, or have sex with their products. What we uncover will baffle and amaze you.
This week, we explore the automobile category:
Nissan: The preferred car of people with herpes.
Infiniti: The same as Nissan, but also if you’re an asshole.
Chevrolet: If you have to buy American, then I guess this will work…
Ford: Driving us is like beating off to a Land’s End catalog.
Porsche: Since Jake in 16 candles, no attractive man has driven one.
Volvo: Still trying to pretend we’re Swedish. Because Swedish is good, right?
Volkswagen: Invented by Hitler, driven by you.
Subaru: So boring, but at least you won’t die.
Range Rover: We can fit a whole family of pricks in one of these.
Chrysler: Start getting excited about our new… Oh, forget it.
Toyota: We’re the car your dad buys you. And your dad is a dick.
Honda: Like a condom, we could break, and you won’t get any real pleasure from using us.
BMW: Hop in, fake rich people.
Jeep: The next time it snows, you can find us in a ditch.
Hyundai: Yeah, we kept the name “Hyundai.” So fuck you.
Lexus: Toyota for douchebags.