Cereal. It’s that stuff we eat that we wouldn’t eat if we hadn’t eaten it first when we were kids because if we hadn’t someone would give us a bowl now and we’d say, “I’m not eating that shit.” Anyway, we give you the truth behind the biggest cereal brands in the world.
Honey Nut Cheerios. Having bee hallucinations is normal, right?
Captain Crunch. Used to be a “Colonel” till he was demoted for cat molestation.
Trix. Originally, the rabbit was a hooker and trix weren’t for kids. Then we changed it to how it is now.
Froot Loops. We’re dumb-friendly. Toucan Sam doesn’t rhyme. And we spelled “fruit” wrong. Bonus: Are you stoopid? Eat up.
Fruity Pebbles. Created so homophobic 8th grade boys had a punchline to the burn, “So what do YOU eat for breakfast?”
Honey Grahams. We wanted to sound like a gay British prostitution chain. How’d we do?
Count Chocula. We were going for vaguely racist and we think we got there.
Shredded Wheat. “Flabby” wheat didn’t test well, so…
King Vitamin. The “king’s” dentures are floating around in this bowl.
Lucky Charms. Originally, the leprechaun was an Indian chief who used peyote to escape interlopers on his vision quest. But test audiences didn’t understand: “I’ll make a spirit bridge and fade into oblivion with my out of sight peace beads.” Also, peace beads didn’t sound appetizing.
We used to think that in the future we’d be controlled by robots or alien overlords. Instead, mobile phone companies control our every move and are responsible for our sadness, joy, and entertainment when we’re taking a dump.
Today, the Intergalactic Business Report breaks through their mind control to reveal what their brands are really saying.
Boost. Where you at? In a bad neighborhood, we’re assuming.
Cricket. Our name is what you hear when you ask who uses Cricket.
ATT. Using us is like only getting a tt, when you want two.
T-Mobile. The “un-carrier” means we used to care but we’re not about that now.
Sprint. Just as bad as everyone else. That’s what we’re going with.
Verizon. We went with a name that sounds like a brand of sunglasses you buy at a pharmacy.
Metro- PC. Old people need phones too. Or do they?
They look and sometimes actually taste like shit, but they’re always sitting there in the check out lane at grocery stores. You wonder who actually buys them, till you break down and start stuffing one and then another and another in your mouth and feel a fleeting since of dark, perverse release before the cops arrive and awkwardly cuff you in a poor attempt to avoid getting your chocolate and saliva all over them. We’re talking about candy bars, and today the Intergalactic Business Report gives you the real story about what they’re really saying.
Hershey’s. Proud to be the only candy brand synonymous with anal sex.
Clark. Why didn’t we just name it a “Dick Bar”?
Baby Ruth. Want to eat something best known for looking like a floating turd in Caddyshack?
Twix. We were going to name ourselves “twat” but that didn’t sound sexually deviant enough.
Kit Kat. We support subliminal animal abuse. Break me off a piece of that kitty cat? What?
Mentos. Try watching our commercials and not think they’re about random sex with strangers.
Zagnut. Still dying to figure out how to jump on the “deez nutz” bandwagon.
Malls. You shop there almost because you have to. But not really. Or do you? It doesn’t matter because every holiday you wind up there somehow, and you feel forced to buy something.
As you roll through the mall this season and try to not make eye contact with teenagers and that guy with his hand down his pants, consider what the major mall brands are really telling you. The Intergalactic Business Report offers its guide of hidden brand messages for mall stores:
Forever 21. We wanted to go with Forever 18, but our lawyers talked us into this.
American Eagle. If the Nazis were from America and had a store in the mall they’d name it this.
Argo Tea. We know… How the fuck are we still in business?
The Art of Shaving. We named this store when “deez nuts” jokes were still popular.
Gap. If you can’t find a restroom, here we are.
Barnes and Nobles. People who don’t read giving books to people who don’t read. That’s our thing.
Build a Bear Workshop. We tried to invent “build a girlfriend workshop” but settled for this instead.
Eddie Bauer. If you’d never heard of our store and just heard “Eddie Bauer” you’d think we were talking about the kid who’d pull his pants down in front of you at recess.
Hollister. Our store is really just a giant douchebag container.
Lululemon. Your fat ass. Our tight pants.
Nordstrom. Such great service you’ll want to ask us for a blowjob, just to see.
Tumi. Wanna pay a thousand dollars for a box to put your clothes in?
Victoria’s Secret. If you don’t rip our clothes off her, they’ll fall apart on their own.
Vineyard Vines. For the next generation of Ted Kennedys.
Hotels are where you go when you need to sleep somewhere and decide to pay money to do it on someone’s stained semen after you watch pay per view porn.
But which semen-stained bed should you choose? The Intergalactic Business Report helps you decide by showing you the hidden brand messages behind each of these chains:
Marriott: It’s hotter to watch porn in a Mormon hotel.
Super 8: The word “suppurate” means to produce puss. We’re not even making that one up.
Holiday Inn: “Ho Inn” for short.
Ritz Carlton: Rich people’s jizz is better than Motel 6 jizz.
Sofitel: We say, “Bon jour” when you arrive. Now let’s speak English.
Red Roof Inn: The finest of the “murder hotels.”
Best Western: When your options are us or Jeff’s back seat.
Motel 6: We’ll keep the light on for you so you can see the face of the guy who’s murdering you.
Comfort Inn: Are you “comfortable” sleeping on someone’s jizz stains?
With the click of a button you can now hook up with someone else who’s clicked a button. Oh, and you need to take a fake picture of yourself too. But how do you decide where you should post those fake pictures and click those buttons?
The Intergalactic Business Report’s proprietary brand deconstruction system tangles with online dating and gives you the real messages the industry doesn’t want you to know.
Tinder. Your life if it were a porn. Oh wait. We guess it is now.
Match. “Match” your herpes with someone else’s gonorrhea.
E-Harmony. We thought it was a good idea to feature fourteen-year old looking people in our ads now.
Farmers Only. Hold my dip cup while I make out with you.
Elite Singles. Truly elite people always use the word “elite.”
Christian Mingle. “Christian Fucking” didn’t sound right for some reason.
OkCupid. Not great or amazing. Just O.K.
Zoosk. The sound of you grabbing your car keys and running out of your hookup’s apartment at 3 a.m.
Drugs are bad. Or are they good? We don’t know, but people seem to love them. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report’s proprietary brand deconstruction system breaks down Big Pharma’s most enticing concoctions and what’s really behind their messages.
Cialis. This boner pill will get you through an entire work day.
Chantix. Listen to creepy Ray. He put these pills in his mouth and he’s in movies.
Humira. Take this and you might not get cancer. Or you will. We don’t know.
Celebrex. Take this or your own dog will hate you.
Lyrica. We thought showing people rub their feet would make you want to put our pills in your mouth.
Truvada. Remember that orgy you were afraid to go to? Call Ricky and tell him you’re back in.
Kyleena. Stupid AND horny? We got you.
Viberzi. Why is Kathy Griffin at your doctor’s appointment?
Rexulti. If you took anti-depressants and still feel like shit, we have a solution: Take some more.
Yoghurt. That weird tasting food you hope someone didn't do something to before you eat it, because you wouldn't know if he did. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report goes behind what Big Yoghurt wants you to see and reveals what they're actually saying.
Fage. We spent zillions on a campaign to tell everyone that it’s pronounced “Fah-Yeh,” because we were terrified some eighth-grade boys might ridicule us. Bonus: Bobby Flay seems straight, right?
Yoplait. French for “sugar bacteria.”
Noosa. That name sounds yoghurty, right?
Chaboni. Named after a girl from a 1983 movie about a tough teacher at an inner city school.
Dannon Oykos (Greek). Have a taste of John Stamos’ seamen.
Dannon (regular). Have a taste of John Stamos’ seamen.
Activa. If you want to picture Jamie Lee Curtis taking a dump, eat this.
So depressed by air travel that you think all airlines are the same? Think again. They’re all pretty bad, but there’s definitely a difference. Choose what you hate least by examining the Intergalactic Business Report’s exclusive study of the messages behind our biggest airlines (and some we just threw in there).
United: At the cutting edge of stuff that makes flying miserable. Bonus: Sit there, mongrel!
Southwest: If you miss Kindergarten, you’ll love it when we yell at you for not standing in the right row. Bonus: Costs the same as every other airline, but we make you wait in line for your seat.
Emirates: If you’re a douche… And you have a corporate credit card…
American: We hate you. Bonus: Us: Assholes. You: walking cargo.
Alaska: We put Bob Marley on the side of our planes. So… that makes us cool, right?
Spirit: Hoping someone will finally figure out we’re a swingers’ club.
Virgin: We thought being cool and making flying fun was a good idea. Yeah… we actually thought that.
Frontier: Why do we even have seatbelts?
Tired of listening to that asshole who says all vodka is the same? Then read on as The Intergalactic Business Report examines the inside deal on the world's top vodka brands (and some you just drink because, well, you've given up...).
Using our proprietary brand deconstruction system, we tell you what the real message is behind the fancy ads and stupid looking bottles.
1. Grey Goose. Be a classy alcoholic.
2. Smirnoff. Fuck it. Let’s get drunk.
3. Banker’s Club. When Smirnoff is too fancy, get drunk with us.
4. Tito’s. We’re from Austin, so we had to make our name sound like a taco truck.
5. Ketel One. Ketel Two is where we take shits.
6. Stolichnaya. Your first step in being an ‘80’s asshole. Bonus: Chernobyl what?
7. Belvedere. Try drinking this without thinking of the theme song to “Mr. Belvedere.”
8. Absolut. Drink enough and the nonsense on our bottles will start making sense.
9. Chopin. Inspired by drunk piano players.
10. Ciroc. Drink this and you may wake up at P-diddy’s house tomorrow. Or in your lame apartment. Yeah, probably there.
Oh, that's what they're really saying.