Professional panty sniffer asks why he wasn’t a “tester” for a New York Times Wirecutter article.

Open letter to the Wirecutter team: let me participate in your next panty sniffing test. By Miles Forbrich.
 
Dear New York Times Wirecutter team, 
 
My name is Miles Forbrich, and I read with great interest your recent article about rating women’s underwear. It seems a group of “testers” was assembled to sniff women’s panties and then report on the smell. While I applaud the exercise, I am concerned that I was not invited to participate.
 
Before I go any further, I know some will question my credentials as a “professional” panty sniffer. Of course, I am not paid to take whiffs of women’s undergarments, because there is no real market for that. Or, rather, I should say there wasn’t a market for it until you started hiring panty sniffers for your testing team. 
 
I have other friends (let’s just call them Randy, Phil, and Burt “the schnazz” Tarkanian) who would have also jumped at this opportunity, and I hope you will keep them in mind for any future panty sniffing articles. But I believe even they would concede that no one has more experience and respect in this field than I do. Indeed, I have forgotten more about panty sniffing than most people know about the subject—probably because when I sniff panties I pass out and wake up hours later, not remembering what I was even doing until I have to remind myself, Oh yeah, you were sniffing panties again.
 
In your article, one tester referred to the underwear she sniffed as “delicious.” What an amateur assessment. I have an entire system I use to rate crotch smells and would be embarrassed to say such a thing. Why not call the panties “delectable” or “yummy”? 
 
I must be honest that I was impressed by your tester who mentioned that she “gives undies a sniff almost every day to keep tabs on what’s going on down there.” Solid. And I appreciated that she measured the crustiness as well. She’s a keeper. I concede that. 
 
But she is also now a professional panty sniffer, while I remain, technically, amateur. Is that fair? I have spent the past 45 years sniffing, snorting, and inhaling women’s underwear and if all I had to do to get some recognition was become a New York Times reporter, don’t you think I would have changed the whole course of my life?
 
High school newspaper. Journalism school. I could have been the kid with the fedora and the press badge everyone wanted to beat the shit out of. But instead, I hid my talents because I had no real outlet.
 
I’m not blaming you for elevating the panty sniffing profession. You deserve congratulations and praise. But at least consider hiring from the vast pool of men who really really want to do this. O.K. maybe it’s not that vast. It’s mostly me and those dudes I mentioned before. But we are here and we sniff panties. 
 
I also want to throw out there that I’m not just a panty sniffer. I do other stuff too. Like film myself rooting around in people’s trash with my clothes off. Yes, that’s a thing. And I also can be hired as a real-life Teddy Ruxpin, who lives in your apartment and tells you stories and befriends you until I can’t hold it any longer and I shit my costume. And no, that’s not a thing, except for me. 
 
In conclusion, I just want to say that I hope my plea passes “the smell test” and you make me something like the New York Times official panty sniffer. I think that would show a commitment to diversity and maybe climate change. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
 
Passionately,
 
Miles Forbrich, CEO, Crotch Inhalers, LLC.


Miles Forbrich is a professional panty sniffer who wants to be paid for his work. Please do not try to contact him through us. 

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