Super Bowl commercials that didn’t air.

Why didn't we see more Squatty Potty ads of cavemen taking dumps?

Super Bowl Monday has been famously called, “the day we talk about teams we never cared about before yesterday and commercials from companies so rich they spend a zillion dollars on ad time, celebrities, and special effects, but still need our money.” Probably Mark Twain. Maybe there was also something about being hungover at work because you drank 13 shitty beers and wiped wing sauce off on your pants by accident. Not that the wing sauce would make you hungover, but you get it. 
 
As we dig into this day of scattered emotions, misdirected anger, and regret, let us also recognize that many teams sat home and did not play. And that many commercials did as well. Today, the Intergalactic Business Report honors those ads that did not make the cut—either because they were too controversial, cost too much money, or simply didn’t exist. While the actual advertisements were never made, we did discover the working titles that, we feel, pretty much tell the story. 
 
 
Cicis Pizza. “Somebody did something to the food. But we fired him. It’s safe to eat here now.”
 
Viking Cruises. “Old person three ways happen here.”
 
Mercedes. “So great at what we do you’re lucky Hitler didn’t use us more.”
 
Cheetos. “See how many of these I can stuff in my fat mouth.”
 
Jeep. “Rugged. Like a bunch of dudes with mustaches having sex with each other.”
 
Taco John’s. “We took a shit in your taco, and it still tastes like maybe we didn’t.”
 
Squatty Potty. “What the fuck are we even doing?” Secondary title: “How did it get to this?”
 
America’s Pharmaceutical Companies. “Our sacred pledge: Gazillions of dollars in research to fight toenail fungus, curved boners, and disobedient old people.”
 
Lume Deodorant. “Showing you nasty feet and alluding to your taint. It's like a fetish we have.” 
 

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