The Intergalactic Business Report first signaled the end of modern advertising when we saw Gillette break the perimeter of polite society with an ad about pubic hair. This was followed by a NURX dude checking out his STD ridden penis before a Tinder date and a commercial about women openly taking dumps. Now Craig Robinson, of everything fame, shows up as your buddy who wants to know what you think his balls taste like.
Don’t get us wrong. We’ve been waiting for advertising to devolve into this for a very long time. If only Macgruff the Crime Dog could have threatened hookers for sexual favors and Mr. Whipple just squeezed women’s asses instead of toilet paper. Sigh… If only…
This week, we re-imagine classic commercials that could have been so much better if only they had been given the latitude today’s admen receive.
ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “My safelite story.”
NEW COMMERCIAL: “What’s your Safelite safe word?”
PRODUCT: Trix cereal.
ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids.”
NEW COMMERCIAL: “Silly Rabbit, Tricks are for prostitutes.”
PRODUCT: Claritin D.
ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Get more airflow.”
NEW COMMERCIAL: “Take the Claritin D.”
BONUS COMMERCIAL: “Can’t breathe? Take out the D.”
ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Pork. The other white meat.”
NEW COMMERCIAL: “Pork. It’s what I’m going to do to your butt.”
ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Beef. It’s what’s for dinner.”
NEW COMMERCIAL: “It’s what’s for dinner (meaning my penis is for dinner [meaning you will eat my penis (meaning you will suck my penis, not eat it because that’s a whole other thing)]).
PRODUCT: Nature’s Bounty
ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Triple action.”
NEW COMMERCIAL: “Nature’s Booty. Triple action.”
Oh, that's what they're really saying.