What the alcohol you drink says about you. (According to the booze companies themselves.)

Coors light or Blue Moon? Maccallan or Ripple? What you drink says more about you than you may think. When you roll into a liquor store and pack your cart with inebriants, your personality and lifestyle influence every choice you make. It’s a classic chicken or the eggnog question.  Did you find the booze or did it find you? 
 
As Drunk People Awareness Month rolls into its final days, the Intergalactic Business Report brings you an until now secret assessment of how your alcohol choice defines you. Using information from top secret corporate files*, we reveal what the companies themselves think of you. 

1. Coors light. For douchebags who need to hold something when they are douching out. Also for when they want to put something on their pursed lips and sippy sip. This is for them. 

2. Colt 45. Don’t fuck with these people. Just give them the beer, uh, malt liquor. We don’t want any trouble.   

3. Ron Pablo tequila. Not a real brand. But you’d drink it, wouldn’t you? What does that say about YOU?  

4. Miller Lite. For men who’ve given up trying to be anything other than the dude with the baseball cap who’s doing something something.   

5. High Noon. Miller Lite for women.   

6. Hamm’s. Don’t fuck with these people. Just give them the beer, uh, fermented corn syrup drink. We don’t want any trouble.   

7. Dewar’s. Serious alcoholics on a budget.   

8. White Claw. Potential pedophiles. Start with this.  

9. Grey Goose. Women who don’t drink and are only able to remember an alliterative name. Also for women who drink so much they can only remember an alliterative name and if that leads to them getting drunk then who cares what it is?  

10. Tito’s. For people who would drink grain alcohol if it was only 80 proof.   

*Our ass. 

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