12 things "Rover" would tell you if he could speak.

"What up Dawg?"

Dogs. They give our lives meaning through their unconditional love and respect. But what would they tell us, exactly, if they could speak? Using veterinary science and new insights into the minds of canines, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you twelve of the most common things your beloved pet would say if he could. 
 
 
12 things “Rover” would say to you if he could speak. 
 
1. You’re a sloppy sloppy drunk. So sloppy it’s embarrassing to be your dog. Sometimes I think it would be better to just be out in the wild rather than sitting here, endlessly being the single audience member in the infinite production of your pathetic life.  

2. You think you’re funny, but you’re not. And it’s not a subjective thing where you can say, “Well, I think I’m funny and you just don’t get my humor.” That’s not a thing in this case because you are objectively NOT funny.  

3. Your level of attractiveness is between “meh” and someone moving seats if she’s too close to you on public transportation. 

4. You don’t do “doggy style” right. They way you do it is more like, “homeless person searching for his crack pipe by sticking his dick in a random hole” style. I’m also assuming that all your nasty sex partners are indeed homeless people, so it kind of makes sense.  

5. Dogs can’t communicate through human language. But at least I’m not you, who has the ability to say meaningful things but instead chooses to squander his gift by repeating inanities, platitudes, and culturally insensitive tropes about your hard-to-determine-but they’re-definitely-Asian neighbors trying to eat me if I got loose. After life with you, I’d welcome it.  

6. Dogs shit all over the place and pee on stuff. You do the same thing, metaphorically. With your life.  

7. Every day, I wish you would just roll over and BE dead. 

8. If serial killers killed dogs, I’d be worried. Probably because you look like a serial killer, but the kind who never has the balls to do anything. So even if you did kill dogs, I could rest easy, because you’d never stop being a pussy long enough to do me any harm.  

9. O.K. That was harsh. I know you’ve had a hard life and that women don’t pay enough attention to you and that they’re missing out on all you have to offer, and it’s like they’re always thinking bad shit about you when they see you on public transportation and move seats. 

10. Are you going to let people treat you this way? I wouldn’t. I’d DO something about it. I’d be a MAN. I’d show them. But I guess do what you want. I’m just a dog. What do I know? 

11. Hey, I just had a fucking awesome idea. Think about how cool it would be to be in the service of me, a dog who tells you how to get revenge on all those people who don’t respect you. It’s a real option for you right now in your life. You and I could be like partners, only I’d have some level of distance from blame because no one will ever believe that I’m able to give you orders and that you’re taking them and doing my bidding. But we’d still be like a team. A team where you go to jail eventually and I go to a foster home where they adopt me because they’re really into true crime and are like, “Isn’t this that serial killer’s dog?” If you take this plan in and REALLY consider it you’ll find it’s way better than our whole current owner/pet dynamic, which I believe is wrong and oppressive. Am I right or am I right? 

​12. Anyway, just think about it. 

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