18 new year’s resolutions you won’t want to keep.

If you’ve given up making New Year’s resolutions because no matter what you promise to become or change you will always be a fat, disgusting nobody who’s locked into being that, then why not do things differently this year by making goals you don’t even want to keep because if you did it would make your life even crappier?
 
Just as we do every year, the Intergalactic Business Report provides you actionable insights about the New Year that you won’t find anywhere else. Stop being disappointed by not keeping your resolutions and instead be thrilled you didn’t. 
 
For years, you’ve been doing this wrong. Around January, you look back at the year and see the fuckups, misses, chances you didn’t take, and the opportunities that faded right in front of you because you were too slow, weak, or stupid. It’s a pattern of regret and depression that only makes your fat worthless self fatter and of even lower value. 
 
But that all changes this year because now you have the power to choose resolutions so destructive, awful, or inane that next year you can cheer yourself for NOT doing them. If that sounds too good to be true it’s because you are indeed too stupid and weak to have come up with this by yourself. Not to worry because we have you covered.
 
Strike whatever you planned to resolve next year and adopt these 18 life-changing goals that are in your best interest to fail utterly, which is kind of your strength. 
 
18 New Year’s resolutions you won’t want to keep.
 
1. Figure out how to make and store beef jerky.  

2. ​Start playing Pickleball.

3. Write a book about how you’re Jesus and do all the illustrations too.  

4. Become the fattest man in the world and record your journey as you surpass other fatties including the ones you never thought you could get near, like the ones on t.v. who are known for their fattitude.  

5. Fight farm animals “mono-a-pata” and record your journey. 

6. Start a John Wayne Gacy museum where you offer a non-lethal John Wayne Gacy “experience” where you dress up like a clown and try to choke people.  

7. Figure out how to do day trading.  

8. Get a license plate that says: “CRYPTOKNG.” 

9. Become an untrained, amateur mercenary who lives by his own code of honor which is to never use weapons and to never be trained how to fight.  

10. Start your own YouTube channel where you do “hitchhike” Karaoke by getting people to give you rides and then making them think you might kill them if they don’t sing super loudly to pre-selected songs you play on your unwieldy and massive boombox.  

11. Buy the domain name “tittyhumpers.com” no matter the price.  

12. See how many mortgages the bank will let you take out on your home, with three being satisfactory and nine being “elite” level.  

13. Start a charity where you sexually service violent homeless people to temporarily make them less violent by quelling their urges and keeping them off the street, allowing that because they are homeless that last part might not be possible and you may need to fuck or suck them off right there.  

14. Complete your prototype for “Penis Pool” and make it very clear to investors it has nothing to do with water and everything to do with whacking pool balls into holes with your dick.  

15. Ascend to the throne and then realize the responsibilities and scrutiny are too much and that you can never escape your duties as sovereign.  

16. Become the guy who breaks people’s toilets with his face.  

17. Be an independent secret shopper who records all his grocery trips, ranks products and service, but keeps his reports in a mystery vault his kids find one day and say: “What the fuck is all this?”  

​18. Finally make your own version of “peanut butter” that doesn’t stick to the roof of your mouth because it isn’t really peanut butter and doesn’t taste like peanut butter and doesn’t even look like peanut butter, at which point you’re arrested for what’s really in it. 

Resolve to buy these tee shirts