A “health expert” says you can’t just not drink Monday through Friday and then binge on the weekends. Here’s what else you can’t do.

​Just in time to ruin our hard-drinking holiday season, an excerpt from a New York Times podcast about why you shouldn’t drink alcohol has been popping up all over the internet as a foreboding warning about the dangers of overconsumption and that we will all die early unless we abide by the wisdom of “health reporters” and other dubious experts. 
 
The quote in circulation comes from NY Times health reporter Dana G. Smith, who is known for her uplifting Dry January article, “Even a little alcohol can harm your health.” The podcast quotes her saying: 
 
“You can’t just not drink Monday through Friday and then have all seven or 14 drinks on the weekend and think that you’re still within the moderate limit.” 
 
We found this a little harsh until we began speaking with our own health experts* who told us that Smith’s caution was light when compared with their warnings. For example:
 

1. You can’t be a pervert and just get away with it. 
2. You can’t just walk in here after four years and act like you’re a father. 
3. You’re not the king of me. 
4. Don’t think you’re funny ‘cause you’re not. 
5. Don’t be a hero. 
6. How many beaver pellets did you eat?
7. You can’t miss all your classes and then show up to a final exam and expect to pass this course. 
8. Boner pills only work if your dick is more than two inches. 
9.  If you think you’re going to tell me that you care about me and that our relationship meant anything, then you better spend every day of the rest of your life making it up to me. Oh, you just forgot your car keys? They’re over there. 
10. Who do you think you are?
11. If I ever catch you looking in her direction again, I will kill you.
12. You can’t just go all week looking nasty and then put on some makeup Friday night and act like you’re hot or something. 

 
*We meant “perverts.” We regret the error. 

Unhealthy tee shirts