 If you’ve ever seen the classic movie “Roadhouse” starring Patrick Swayze, you probably have some questions about the legality of almost everything that happened. Beyond the obvious issues involving contract and employment law and reckless driving, we focus on the murder of kingpin Ben Gazzara who, although he’s responsible for bringing J.C. Penny to town (ask anybody), is still murdered in his home by the local Rotary Club.
Using unknown technology that allows us to create conversations that never happened but should have, the Intergalactic Business Report treats you to what many have called the greatest legal dialogue since Willam Jennings Bryan told Clarence Darrow to suck his dick. Enjoy, as the men who murdered Ben Gazzara in cold blood discuss their legal strategy with a lawyer. The people from “Road House” who murdered Ben Gazzara discuss legal strategy. People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: My friends and I entered a bad man’s mansion and we shot him. Is that illegal? Lawyer: Yes, it is technically illegal to shoot a man in his home. People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: What if one of us collected the rifles we used and carried them away somewhere? Lawyer: If he took all the murder weapons and removed them from the murder scene, then it would make a police investigation more difficult. People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: What if there were a bunch of other dead bodies lying around? Lawyer: Did you and your friends kill those people? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: No. Patrick Swayze did. Lawyer: Where was he when the police showed up? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: Hanging out with us, near the body of the rich guy we murdered. Lawyer: Where did your friend bring all the murder weapons? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: Out of the room. Then he came back. Lawyer: As long as the weapons are out of the room when the police arrived there is no way you can be convicted of anything. What did the police do when they got there? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: They asked us what happened. Lawyer: And what did you say? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: We said we didn’t see anything. Lawyer: Did they ask you why you were there? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: No. Lawyer: Then you should be good. And all of you said you didn’t see anything? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: Yes. Every one of us. Oh, except the guy who used to work for the bad man. Lawyer: What did he say? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: He said a polar bear fell on him. Lawyer: What happened after that? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: We all snickered. Lawyer: Good. Was the former goon also armed? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: He threw his gun in the fireplace. Lawyer: There’s no way the police would look there, so he’s safe. People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: One other thing. Patrick Swayze ripped a man’s throat out and threw him in the river. Lawyer: The river will probably cover his tracks. There’s no way to tie it to him because maybe the man ripped his own throat off. People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazarra: Also, one of us owns a Ford dealership and the bad man showed up with a monster truck and ran over all our inventory. Lawyer: Were there witnesses? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazarra: Yes, like a hundred people. Lawyer: I don’t think there’s anything you can do about that. Do you have insurance? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazarra: That’s unclear. Lawyer: Your best bet is to just recover what you can in the bad man’s house. Steal some taxidermy or expensive objects. People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazarra: We’re worried about Patrick Swayze. He just went on a killing spree, and he looks crazed with bloodlust. Lawyer: Don’t be concerned. He’s in a swimming pool with the hot doctor who forgave him for murdering everyone. He’s fine.  If you’ve seen Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, you’ll notice he appears hopelessly blotto as he plays a man who drinks so much he finally dies and you’re sad but also kind of relieved the movie is over. Turns out Cage had a little help from a “drinking coach” who taught him how to look and behave like an alcoholic. Also, he and Cage got super shit-faced together, so it wasn’t even really acting.
In what we consider yet another masterful side hustle, the Intergalactic Business Report announces it will now be in the business of providing authorized “drinking coaches” to not only actors who are trying to look drunk, but also the general public, meaning anyone who will pay for this. Unlike Nic Cage, who worked with a “poet” (which is like hiring someone in radio ad sales to teach you what it’s like to live with STDs), we provide you with a veritable stable of lost men and women who will teach you how to lose your job, likeability, and potential. Oh, and also all your money. Very important. Below is how it all works: Starting is easy. You call us and we match you with a drinking coach who meets YOUR needs for being a degenerate alcoholic. That means you do a survey or something, where we ask you questions. You answer those questions and then we pick someone who will essentially follow you around and “coach” you. About our coaches. We find only the nastiest alcoholics who will show you what if feels like to spend time with the nastiest alcoholic you’ve ever met. Your coach is so realistic he will lie and steal from you. But not so realistic that he will “break” from being an alcoholic and behave normally, even for a few minutes. Why do this? What will I learn? If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to get drunk, really drunk, and then suffer irreversible consequences, then this is for you. Our coaches will train you how to get so drunk, everyone around you will believe you have a crippling addiction, because you probably do. That’s the magic of our program. FAQ: Is the drinking real? Is this fist real? Huh? You wanna find out? How much does it cost? How much does it cost? How much does it cost? You sound so stupid when you say that. Is this dangerous? Is this fist dangerous? Huh? You wanna find out? I hired a coach and now he won’t leave me alone. You’ve gotta be more specific. I think my coach is sleeping in my children’s playset in my backyard. These are “accommodations” we provide all our coaches. Do I pay the coach directly? She keeps asking for a cash payment. At this point, you need to decide if you’re actually serious about this or not. Do you want to lose it all? Or do you want to have a nice little life where nothing ever happens and you’re safe and secure? If you answered yes, then pay up. Life costs money. THIS costs money. YOU something something…money. I had sex with my “coach.” Am I going to die of something? Uh huh. I got on a plane with my coach. Should I have done that? You got on a plane with him? Where the fuck are you going? He won’t tell me where we’re going. Don’t you have a ticket that tells you that? Doesn’t the pilot say, “welcome to flight whatever with service to…?” Nope. We’re in a Cessna or something. And I think the pilot is a friend of his. You’re fine then. Just go with it. This is how you learn. |
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