Report: Squirrels are bloodthirsty killers, but what about other cute beings? We tell you who and what else has turned.

Recent studies show that squirrels have become cold-blooded killers. In an article published in the Journal of Ethology (which may sound like just another fancy swinger mag) it has been revealed that the beloved breed of herbivory varmints are now blood-thirsty meat eaters, hunting smaller weevils and mice and crunching them like Kit Kats, if Kit Kats were made of mice and weevils. Anyway… The Intergalactic Business Report, while late to this story, is way ahead of schedule in identifying new, formerly innocent creatures turned predators. Is this really happening? Yes. Kind of? Read our list below:
 
Harmless beings that have turned cold-blooded killers. 
 
1. Koala bears. Night videos have captured a group of these “docile” furries decimating a herd of cattle. When they notice they are being filmed, they also destroy the camera.  

2. Lemurs. Unlike the zoo favorites who amuse you with their playful antics, a new breed of Lemurs, who weigh close to one hundred pounds, are hiding in your attic. And they will fuck you up. 

3. Vegan chicks. We all kind of knew this one.   

4. Watermelons. While not technically animals, a watermelon seemed to try to rip our peckers off when we had group sex with it after work.  

5. Beavers (not that kind). 
 
6. Fuzzy bunnies. Children love them. Women make baby voices when they see them. But many fuzzy bunnies now seek human blood for sustenance. 12-year-old Daisy O’Donnell of Musgrove Iowa, woke last month to her pet rabbit feeding from her arm. When it saw her, it scurried away, like the Alien in Alien (we’re guessing). For weeks Daisy didn’t tell her parents because the bunny would lift its tiny arm as if to shush her whenever she broached the subject at dinner. After weeks of losing blood, Daisy finally summoned the courage to whip the beast against her bedroom wall, thus ending its reign of terror. 

7. Dudes who watch the Bachelor. 
 
8. Dudes on the Bachelor. After days of pretending to be super cool nice guys who take their shirts off all the time, a rage begins to form that makes them want to have a one-on-one date with their feelings of gratitude and respect for the process, act like they are going to give them a rose, and then later, inexplicably award it to their feelings of disappointment and wanting to hunt humans using only primitive weapons that make the kill brutal and confusing.  

9. Mini Cooper salesmen. Mary Barrymore of Beaver (not that kind) Creek Colorado put her arm too close to a Mini Cooper salesman as she gestured towards an automobile. He lunged with this mouth but she retracted her limb just in time. Tip: keep your hands in your pockets.  

​10. Luiz Guzman. You always suspected this. Go with your gut. 

Our merch isn't deadly