 A lot has been written lately about the importance of bowel movements. While it remains a bit taboo, a growing acceptance and openness about the subject is allowing many to push out solutions and better methods for just how to take an optimal dump.
Turns out, the key to a perfect discharge is all in your head and a number of experts* are recommending mental exercises to put your bathroom visits into a blissful “flow state.” We picked the most beneficial advice and list it below: Mental tricks for having the perfect poop. -Each “squeeze” should go with a corresponding grunt. For example: “Unnnngh!” or “Aaaaaah!” -An internal monologue is the most helpful trick for a smooth experience. Try telling yourself a story about an elephant who is taking a massive dump. Sample: “Abner the elephant excused himself from the herd and found a quiet place near the river where he could be alone. He squatted a little bit and then took the most massive dump any elephant had ever taken. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw little Marisol, a baby elephant whose eyes widened in amazement as he emptied his poop shoot into their water supply…” -Visualize a subway tunnel. Then picture a massive turd shooting down it, away from you. Very important: always have it going away from you. -Stand, sit, stand. This loosens your resolve to hold it in while diminishing your inhibitions about “taking a shit” in a dignified manner. -Imagine yourself on a beach, by a tiki hut, and drinking something called a “Peruvian Mudslide.” -Every once in a while, shit your pants. Like on a bus or something. This teaches you to be able to go whenever and wherever. The first couple times it’s difficult and embarrassing, but after a while you’re just another dude on public transportation shitting his pants and staring at everybody. -Pretend you are the turd inside you and sing the Diana Ross classic “I’m coming out” while you defecate. *Experts at taking a dump. For example, Rory McMichaels of Plano Texas who holds the self-proclaimed records for longest, heaviest, and widest turds in human history.  You’re not a psychology expert, or even very “socially aware,” and yet you do need to talk with people to get food, hold a job, and maybe some other things. You notice “cool” people holding effortless conversations and charming others with their flirtatious agreeableness. Oh, how you wish you could do that—could be them. Today, that changes (a little).
While we can’t turn you into a social dynamo with a short article in a publication no one reads, we can at least let you know what you’re doing wrong. Every day, and in every human interaction, you use language that simply turns people off, makes you sound uneducated, and may even scare them. We identify these faux paus and give you the opportunity to eliminate them from your personal usage. We focus on 12 phrases you use too often, and that have a negative effect on how you present yourself. Stop using these and you will see an immediate change in how people react to you. 12 phrases that make you sound less intelligent. Stop using them TODAY. 1. “UNNNGggggh. Yeah. UnggggHHHHH!” 2. “Mah name is ______. Me crush you.” 3. “AHHHHHHHH! Yuh huh. AHHHHHHHHHHH!” 4. “Fart make me stronger! PFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTT…” 5. “ABABABABABABABABAH! BAH!” 6. Dear ladies and good sirs, gather round as I present to you the Earl of Pantaloons, also known as my penis. 7. “BLAM! BLAM BLAM BLAM! BLAM!” 8. ****Rocket noise**** “Time for take off!” ****Rocket noise**** 9. “Splat!” “SPLAT!” (Said while touching people’s faces.) 10. “Call me the juggler! Call me THE JUGGLER! CALL ME THE JUGGLER!” 11. (Whisper voice) Did you hear that? Did you hear that? (Fart noise). 12. Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name. (This is your intro before doing an entire, impromptu, acapella “Stones” concert, from which no audience member may leave until the cops arrive and you get tazed.) |
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