 Rub? Tug? How 'bout just a hug? Probably our favorite reddit/quora thread is the one about how massage therapists offer clients “premium services,” which means they jack them off after the massage. The Intergalactic Business Report, known for its pragmatic view of commerce, sees this as a necessary growth measure in a crowded category.
Much like crack addicts who want to elevate their competitive positions, some massage therapists are willing to play with your dingaling so they can get their money fix. But instead of just saying, “I’ll suck your dick, man,” they came up with a euphemism that makes it sound like a hand job is the same as someone filling up your gas tank for you. Our team analyzed “premium services” and feel strongly other businesses should adopt this strategy immediately. Below we outline some examples various industries can start using today: INDUSTRY: Financial services. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Rapid deposit into your stank account.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: Step one: get them to open their stank account. Step two: make a rapid deposit. INDUSTRY: Pet stores. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Doggy bone.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: “I see your total is $168 dollars. You get a free doggy bone with that. Please step into the pet grooming area to redeem it.” INDUSTRY: Auto services. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Jiffy Lube plus.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: You show up at a Jiffy Lube. A guy comes out and pulls your pants down. No words, no discussion, no shame, no purchase necessary. NOTE: Pep boys offers more than one dude. INDUSTRY: Tax preparation. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Master rebate.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: “Would you like to get master rebated?” INDUSTRY: Fast food. PREMIUM SERVICE: Happy meal, Crave pack, Chalupas, and Big Beef, all exist already. HOW IT IS OFFERED: Customers simply wink after ordering any of the above. INDUSTRY: Home improvement. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Extra wood.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: “I have some extra wood in the back if you’re interested.” INDUSTRY: Book stores. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Harry Pooter.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: “I just got the new Harry Pooter. It’s in the back if you want to see it.”  If someone broke into your house and was about to kill you, your last words would probably be you screaming. Unlike you, there were famous people who got to say super cool things just before they died, and people wrote down what they said and now we call them “famous last words.” What you didn’t know is what was said just beforehand.
At the Intergalactic Business Report, we don’t stop at the limits of conventional wisdom or even reality. Join us as we deep dive into history to reveal what famous people said just before they said what they said. Below, we reveal their pre-last words. BEETHOVEN’S LAST WORDS: I need more time. PRE LAST WORDS: This taco tray is way too huge to eat in one sitting. JULIUS CAESER’S LAST WORDS: Et tu Brute? PRE LAST WORDS: I guess it’s time for a spontaneous orgy on the steps of the senate! You dudes are looking tight! Cassius, you’re in. Decimus. I know you’re in. STEVE JOBS’ LAST WORDS: Oh wow. PRE LAST WORDS: I love dem boobies. STONEWALL JACKSON’S LAST WORDS: This wound is mortal. PRE LAST WORDS: Uh huh… Uh huh… Yo… I’m seein’ heaven… Open dat portal… Come on y’all… WINSTON CHURCHILL’S LAST WORDS: I’m bored with it all. PRE LAST WORDS: Jenga sucks. Right? You sit there and try to pull a stick out and everybody just sits there like that’s a big deal or something and they cheer if you do it? |
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