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Thirty years ago when a crazy person had fantasies about fighting a celebrity, no one heard about it. Today, we get to see minute by minute ranting, plotting, and hard to follow lists of grievances. When Brian Johnson, known as the “Liver King” for his prehistoric diet and behavior showed up in Austin Texas to hunt for Joe Rogan, Instagram viewers were subjected to seeing what looked like someone put a scary homeless person put on camera and said: “Go.”
When Johnson was detained and issued a restraining order, our own Ed Mountaineer, also known for his celebrity obsession and beefs, immediately decided to issue his own challenge to Joe Rogan. We have reprinted it below: Ed Mountaineer’s challenge to Joe Rogan. Joe. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but we have tension too. Not the kind of tension that will get me detained by the Austin PD, but the kind where I write an internet article and say weird shit you will never read and act like that somehow connects us to each other. I have a beef with you. In fact, I have many beefs. I am going to list them now and give you an opportunity to address them: 1. Our relationship is one-sided. If our friendship was a business, you would be an outside investor who owned zero percent and never answered the direct mail piece we mass mailed to everyone about buying property on a beautiful lake in Tennessee. 2. Unnghh. Arrgggh. That’s angry talk. 3. Crazy eyes. I can’t show you these on paper but they’re there and they are watching you in a way that makes your feel uncomfortable and maybe a little sorry for me but, nope, you’re just uncomfortable. 4. I am not wearing a shirt. 5. Pants are still on in case you’re wondering. 6. It’s basically me, in jeans, without a shirt on. 7. The jeans aren’t nice. They’re like jorts before they become jorts, which become jorts because the jeans are so bad you just make them into jorts because who gives a fuck. 8. You could cut the tension between us with a knife. But I don’t have a knife so don’t freak out. 9. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  Even if you did drink Hulk Juice, you are still responsible for your actions. Before automobiles, drunk driving was just a challenge riders took on a sentient horse. Today, it’s seen as a despicable act warranting shame and imprisonment. In fact, one of the most terrifying situations one can face is being pulled over by a suspicious cop who starts asking too many questions about your sobriety. You feel trapped and nervous as he seems to look right through your lies. You stutter and stammer and pray that he will get a radio call that there’s a hostage situation at a monastery, drawing him away from the scene, but not before he says to you: “This is your lucky day.”
Unfortunately, that last part never actually happens. Instead, you get interrogated and submit to “tests” designed for your failure. You suck on a breathalyzer and recite the alphabet backwards for about two letters before he throws you in the back of his car and your life is over. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We spoke directly with a defense lawyer* who gave us tips for what NOT to do when you’ve been drinking and are pulled over. Follow these and stay free, safe, and not sexually assaulted by prisoners. Nine things NEVER to say if you are pulled over for suspicion of drunk driving. 1. ‘Scuse me miss, can you get me annover drink? 2. I must warn you sir, that I drank Hulk juice this morning and I may explode in rage at any moment. I cannot be held responsible for my actions in five, four, three, two… 3. Do I smell fritattas? Nope, That’s your B.O. Please stand back. 4. I’m an undercover cop. Now YOU’RE arrested. 5. No, I will not suck your dick for a dollar! Did everyone hear this guy? This guy just asked me if I’d suck his dick! For a dollar! 6. I think your wife is in my trunk. You may want to check on her. 7. Psst. I think you have an erection. 8. Human trafficking? What? 9. O.K. Fine. I’ll suck your dick for a dollar. *Just because someone says he’s a defense lawyer, doesn’t mean he is. He could also just be some guy who might not have even said he’s a lawyer but it’s hard to remember because there were a lot of drinks and it was over a three day period and there were times when you thought to yourself, “Have I been up for like three days? Because I must have taken some kind of drugs to be awake this long.”  Think way back to your childhood and the first time your dad or mom taught you how to use the toilet. They probably focused on the poop and pee part and not much else. Maybe they also showed you how to wipe. One thing I can almost guarantee they never taught you was how to flush. That’s o.k. because they never learned how to do it themselves. Like you, their parents were ignorant about the toilet techniques that make bathroom life easier, more enjoyable, and safer.
Flush forward to today—when you used your toilet, extended your arm to the flusher, and pressed it down, not thinking how that subtle motion could affect the flow of poop and pee as they descend into the complex system of pipes and tunnels we call “plumbing.” While there are all sorts of toilet things I could teach you (and I will), today I’m focusing on the most basic toilet action of all—the flush. Most people use what I call a “hard tap” flush motion, which is where you hit the flusher and press down with one or two fingers and then release. While this seems to accomplish a solid flush, what you’re really doing is sacrificing a good flush for a speedy one. Other people try to go even faster using what I call the “hit and quit it” motion, which is where you avoid touching the flusher for very long and do the quickest, softest tap you can. (News flash: touching the flusher for a short time isn’t going to keep all the feces from other people who have touched that thing off your fingers, so you may as well linger and do it right). A good flush takes three fingers or a steady thumb—your choice. I recommend raising your hand in a “scout’s honor” motion, dropping it into range, and then slowly depressing the flusher for three full seconds. Count it out: One…Two…Three. You got it! The other method is with the thumb, as I mentioned above. This is an advanced flush that you would use if you didn’t have other fingers or if you were trying to impress someone—like me maybe? Anyway… if you DID do it this way, you would take your thumb and aim it towards the flusher. Line the thumb up with your line of sight and hold it there until you can see the flusher in the “crosshairs,” which you have to imagine being just above the tip of your thumb. Once that looks even, make a direct line for the flusher with the thumb and then flush. Because the thumb has more power than the three finger method, you should only flush for two seconds. Count it out, as I mentioned before. I hope this has been helpful and taught you a few things. I’ll try to come back and offer more tips about how to use your toilet. In the meanwhile, always be safe and use the proper techniques. If you do that, you can watch your poop and pee float away along with your troubles. All the best, André André DeSantis goes deep inside your pipes and holes. He also tells us he’s a plumber. He can be reached at [email protected]. |
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