The month of August has been named “Drunk People Awareness Month” by the Intergalactic Business Report. The decision came following years of negative perceptions of inebriated men and women who, because of their lifestyle choices, have been portrayed as stupid and unreliable in television and films and generally regarded as less than fully-functioning, sober citizens.
This August, we hope to challenge those perceptions by sharing positive stories and insights about the amazing drunk people we call friends, family, and that guy walking over there who looks like he’s going to, yeah, he’s going to walk into that wall. We kick off the month with some quick facts about drunks you may not know.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT ONE:
Drunk people are more capable and willing to show love than sober people. Drunks are able to fall in love with people they met earlier that evening and in some cases even marry them the next morning after drinking all night. Sober people find it almost impossible to stare at their friends and co-workers and say, “Lissen… Lissen… Lemme tell you somethin… I love you… I seriously love you…” and then repeat that forty-seven more times.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT TWO:
Drunk people are passionate about their opinions and politics. They don’t shy away from having a breakthrough discussion about what they truly believe. Older drunks even begin by looking around the bar and then saying, “I probably shouldn’t say this out loud…” but then they say it anyway.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT THREE:
That music that you’re casually listening too might make a drunk person start crying. Insensitive sober people often play music in their homes, cars, or even in their places of business without any awareness that certain songs can trigger instant bad memories in a drunk person’s mind. This can cause instant crying, followed by a lengthy explanation of how “We don’t have to take our clothes off (to have a good time)” was playing when he broke up with his girlfriend in eighth grade.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT FOUR:
Telling a drunk person that they’ve “had too much,” or “need to slow down” is like telling a sober person to go fuck themselves with a broom. And yet sober people keep telling them this, again and again. When will it end?
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT FIVE: So many sober people talk about how success comes when you stop caring about what other people think. Drunks do this every time they are drunk. So they’re successful, right? So shut up.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT SIX: People write better when they’re drunk.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT SEVEN: Is Taco Bell open?
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT EIGHT: The next time a drunk person asks you to drive them to Taco Bell, just do it. Seriously. Do it now. Jesus.
Microaggressions. We’ve all heard of them by now. But did you know they increase by up to 4,000 percent after you enter a bar and drink for several hours? That’s because drunk people are hypersensitive to the negative suggestions that emanate from your mouth and actions.
Ahead of Drunk People Awareness Month this August, the Intergalactic Business Report lists 8 microaggressions you may be exhibiting to drunks every time you enter a tavern or bar.
1. Having a “looking problem.”
Some drunks may ask you, “Do you have a looking problem?” This is because you look a certain way that makes them uncomfortable or that you have looked their way, which is also a problem. Our advice: avoid both appearing unsettling in any way to drunk people and also don’t physically look at them.
2. Saying something that may have a secret, negative meaning to the drunk person.
If you’ve ever heard a drunk ask you, “What’s that supposed to mean?” then you were probably having a conversation in which you said something that unlocked a secret anger in them. You may have said, for instance, “Hello,” and the drunk took that to mean you were mocking his dead father who also used to say “Hello” to people.
3. Covertly suggesting that a drunk person is being untruthful.
If you get to the point at which a drunk asks you if you are calling him a liar, it’s likely because you insensitively questioned his theory about bigfoot where he said he knows the hominid personally and has partied with him in the woods. Instead of saying, “Yeah right!” or, “What?” or even, “Seriously?” just shut your fucking mouth and maybe nod.
4. Suggesting through your inquiry that the drunk person is of low intelligence.
You know you’ve practiced this microaggression when the drunk asks, “Are you calling me stupid?” Remember that questioning a drunk person’s knowledge of mathematics or history is equivalent to calling him a dumb motherfucker and asking if he wants to fight you.
5. Inadvertently insulting the drunk’s mother.
Be as reverent as you can around drunk people and, as always, shut your fucking mouth or you may hear one ask you if you said something about his mother. You may feel you said nothing at all but that doesn't really matter because the drunk heard what he heard. That's on you.
6. Not engaging in conversation because you’re “better than” they are.
As much as we advise that you shut your mouth, we also advise that if you do, you may be called out for ignoring the drunk because you feel you are better than he is.
7. (For bartenders only) Cutting off a drunk is the biggest insult you can render.
This one is considered a macroaggression to most drunks, so be careful. If you decide to stop the liquor flowing to his body, you’ve committed one of the most insulting acts imaginable.
8. Wearing clothing that triggers a violent response.
When you enter an area full of drunks, be careful not to don an outfit that has anything that may make them upset. Tee shirts with any slogan, brand name, pattern, or even a style that appears “pussy” could land you in a drunk’s poor graces. Be bland and, as always, shut the fuck up.
While it might seem totally random that some people are killed by wild animals, the Intergalactic Business Report takes a deeper look at the reasons behind these freak deaths. What we found may astound you.
What 99% percent of all wild animal murder victims have in common:
1. They put themselves in situations where there are wild animals around.
2. Their deaths are caused directly by being torn apart, eaten, or stomped by a wild animal.
3. When they are pronounced dead, their cause of death is listed as something like: “Killed by a tiger.”
4. They were not wearing impenetrable super suits that stopped claws, teeth, and hooves from murdering them.
5. They were unable to reason logically with the beast that did them in. For instance, they might have said something like, “Hey, noble Moose, I seek enlightenment and not violence. Can we share this road without you stomping me to death?” And that didn’t work.
6. They had the inability to fly or propel themselves away from the situation either with a jetpack device or a rope that drops out of the sky and you grab it and it takes you somewhere.
7. They were not strong enough to lift up a bear and throw it against the side of a mountain, thus incapacitating it long enough to allow time for an escape.
8. They couldn’t find food that, when eaten, makes your body like armor that wild animals cannot tear apart or penetrate in any way so they just give up and maybe look at you as one of them or at least don’t care that you’re there anymore.
9. They were unable to expedite training the animal to become an exotic steed to be ridden back to town to prove to all those fuckers that these animals can be our friends and even servants that we ride upon.
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.