New things you can “weaponize” today.

One of the most brilliant terms in recent years has been the word “weaponize,” which simply means to take something and make it into a weapon. When we use it, we are seen as intelligent, informed, and better than whoever we’re saying it to or about. Like saying “optics” instead of just “how it looks or appears” using “weaponize” is the perfect way to let people know you can say someone’s being mean without saying it. 
 
But what happens when we run out of things to weaponize? Rather than relying on the abstract claims that others are weaponizing politics, privilege, and issues, the Intergalactic Business Report presents new and practical things you can weaponize today. Take our advice and you’ll be the first one to weaponize:
 
 
Your cat.
HOW TO DO IT:
Equip your cat with spiked armor and small guns that inadvertently fire when it moves. 

YOUR FRIEND’S REACTION: 
“Stop weaponizing your cat, Brody. I wanna pet it. Ouch! It fucking shot me, man.”
 
Your grandmother.
HOW TO DO IT: 
Your feeble grandma’s wheelchair can be outfitted with armor plating, a missile system, and biochemicals that are released when she presses her old finger on a button. If you want to weaponize her further, turn her cane into a spear or something.

YOUR FRIEND’S REACTION: 
“I just went over to say hi to your grandmother and she shot some chemical into my face. I feel like I’m going to pass out or die. Did she shoot me too?”
 
Your penis.
HOW TO DO IT:
Spiked penis armor is the first step. Step two is to beat people with it.

YOUR FRIEND’S REACTION: 
“Why are you pulling your pants down? What the fuck?”
 
Your car.
HOW TO DO IT:
Do whatever shit they do in the Mad Max movies but realize your budget is a lot lower. 
YOUR FRIEND’S REACTION: 
“Why does your car look like someone took a dump on it? Are you homeless now?”
 
Your bathrobe.
HOW TO DO IT:
Hide knives and a pistol in your bathrobe and stroll through the park or wherever.

YOUR FRIEND’S REACTION: 
“Hey, Jeremy. Is that you? I haven’t seen you since high school. How’s it going? Oh… Are you wearing a bathrobe. All right. I’ll catch up with you soon. Did you just stab me?”
 

MERCH that sucks