 The story of a man who died after drinking only alcohol for thirty days sent ripples of fear among drinkers across the world.
Unlike the man who ate only soap for a day before dying and the man who ate only rat poison for one hour, the man who died after drinking only alcohol for thirty days has mystified news followers with his story of perseverance sabotaged by the miscalculation that drinking nothing but alcohol for weeks would be fine and not kill you. This Thai news story immediately captivated the staff of the Intergalactic Business Report and editors scrambled to cover this breaking threat to public health. Indeed, several editors, who were on their twentieth and twenty-fifth days of drinking felt compelled to take a pause until further research into the subject could be conducted. Also in Thailand, an influencer died after drinking two bottles of whiskey in twenty minutes, prompting us to consider whether the new alcohol health threat was perhaps just a “Thai thing.” Turns out, it’s not. In fact, almost anyone who drinks alcohol could be affected if they do one of several seemingly harmless, alcohol related activities. If you drink, read our report before you take another sip. NEVER do these 7 things, if you drink alcohol. (Unless you want to die.) 1. Drink from a “booze hose,” which can shoot alcohol into your mouth like a pressure washer you hooked up to your mouth. Only instead of water, it’s alcohol. Apparently, the rate of alcohol to your swallowing power is a problem. Also, the amount of alcohol you put into your body is also a problem. Like a death problem. 2. Do 72 shots in 14 minutes. For some reason, your body seems unable to metabolize the alcohol in this time frame. It also seems unable to “be alive.” 3. Do intravenous alcohol through an IV. Even with careful monitoring by an off-duty nurse who likes to get fucked up and is off-duty because she got fired for fondling patients, this method of consuming alcohol could end your life by quickly accelerating your blood/alcohol level to 100% alcohol with some traces of blood.* 4. Inject gin or vodka into your groin or buttocks. While this may seem harmless, apparently it isn’t. 5. Submerge your head into a vat of beer and not come out till you drink it all. Even the character “Landfill” in Beerfest couldn’t do this one although the scene has inspired many people to take on this challenge. Don’t be one of them. 6. Take a loaded gun, point it at your head, do a shot, and then pull the trigger. Called “going shot for shot” this game has an almost 100% death rate. 7. Strap a keg of beer to your back, place the tap in your mouth, and jump off a cliff. *Some skeptics have argued you could become a kind of semi-animated zombie creature and function by just running booze through your veins in place of blood but we’re waiting on the science to back this up.** **The science just got here and it says you’d die. We know, it would be cool to be the zombie thing. Sorry. Loneliness epidemic? Use these seven simple party tips and instantly rekindle social connection.7/12/2025  Test the sparklers before you put them in your butt. America has become a culture of disconnection. Friendships decline, neighbors don’t socialize, and the dinner party is an ancient relic. In our growing isolation, the simple necessity of human companionship and friend networks have become less needed for survival and replaced with empty social media relationships, zoom calls, and artificial intelligence. Now, many are looking for ways to overcome our discontent and loneliness through social interaction.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you seven small-sided party concepts that will help you connect, reconnect, and end the despair—almost instantaneously. Call your best friends, new neighbors, or work colleagues and try these this weekend: 1. Host a “feelings party.” Invite participants to your house for an examination of feelings, which entails getting felt up. By you. Afterwards, return the favor and let them feel YOU up. 2. Blindfolded fuck party. Nobody knows who’s getting fucked by whom. Actually, you are aware when you are getting fucked or fucking. But the person being fucked by you doesn’t know which one you are. You get it. 3. Glory holes. Have a wall in your house? Drill a hole in it and let loose with this super fun concept that extinguishes the social anxiety of seeing who’s handling your dick. Also, if you’re on the receiving end and recognize the dick, you can just say, “next” and a brand-new dick will appear. If you recognize that one, just say, “next” and so on, till you either find a fresh dick or run out of old ones. 4. No eye contact sex with a donkey. No eye contact is with the donkey itself and not onlookers. If you stare down the donkey, it will kick the fuck out of you. 5. Peanut butter dick slapping. This one speaks for itself. 6. Bonfire where you all fuck each other. Start the fire. Someone plays a ukelele. Then you fuck each other. If you can, have the ukelele player sing “We didn’t start the fire.” Or don’t. 7. Eyes Wide Open sex party. Like the sex parties from “Eyes Wide Shut” except there are no masks and everyone knows everyone, at least in the sense that they’ve been introduced at the taco bar. Note: set up a taco bar beforehand. |
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