Contrary to previous exposes outlining how the lottery is fake, The Intergalactic Business Report has learned, stunningly, that not only is the lottery real, but that it can be easily won using the methods we detail below.
 
Yes, we understand that if everyone read this and followed it, then everyone would win the lottery. We also understand that the obvious question would be, why haven’t we just followed this and won the lottery ourselves, many times, before finally letting all of you assfaces in on it? The answer: we have integrity. And also because only three or four people in America will actually read this.
 
With that, let us offer you the eleven secrets to winning the lottery tonight, tomorrow, and every night.
 
1. Choose all the numbers. Don’t fill out a card and miss one. For example, if the lottery is six numbers, don’t just fill in five. Fill in six.
  
2. Hand the lottery card to the guy at the counter. This is crucial. Don’t drop the card somewhere or put it in your pocket and walk away. 

3. Pay the guy at the counter. If you don’t pay, your card will be invalid. 

4. If you want, you may want to do a “quick pick” or “easy pick.” This just means that a computer will randomly generate numbers for you. Yes, randomly! Also, it will choose exactly the amount of numbers you need to enter to win. 

5. If you do choose quick pick or easy pick make sure you pay for your ticket. We cannot stress this enough. If you don’t pay for your lottery ticket, you CAN’T win the lottery.  

6. Choose numbers within the range given. If the numbers only go up to 70, don’t try to pick 72 or 73. You’ll be frustrated and it could cost you winning the lottery. 

7. Choose different numbers. You cannot, in most lotteries, choose the same number for all your numbers. So pick different ones. 

8. Try to choose numbers you think have the best chance of winning. For instance, if you think the number 33 has a better chance to win than the number 68, then choose 33. Of course, that’s just one number of several you have to choose on your lottery card. After you’ve chosen the first number, then go on to the next one. Ask yourself: “Is this number likely to win?” If the answer is “yes” then choose it. Then move on to the next number, and so on. 

9. Buy at least one ticket total. If you feel like it, go ahead and buy two or even three. 

10. When you’re done purchasing your lottery ticket, make sure you check to see that you won. If you wait more than a year, it could be invalid. 

11. Enjoy being a fucking gazillionaire. *You’re welcome. 

*Now that you’re rich, look for our upcoming column on how to manage your lottery money. Coming soon.

Does your dog ever give outlandish affection to someone other than you? Does he become overly excited when he sees a non-you human? Do you catch him sulking and looking longingly out the window?
 
According to new scientific research, your dog may be looking for a new master. 
 
A brand new study on dogs has shown that previous notions that our canine “friends” adore us and have an almost supernatural ability to love without prejudice are bullshit. 
 
Instead, our furry companions are constantly judging us and seeking newer, better, owners. When attractive, richer, and younger potential masters walk by, many dogs will pleadingly bark and communicate their desire to be snatched up and taken away by them. 
 
According to science, these yelps and moans are sincere wishes to get the fuck away from you and get the fuck with those much cooler humans. Unfortunately for the much cooler humans, even if they were to rescue your dog from its horrifying life with you, the dog would soon seek out even cooler humans to care for it. 
 
Our studies indicate, however, that if you are a celebrity or billionaire, the odds of your dog seeking new ownership decrease dramatically, so good news for you… If you’re rich or famous.
 
For everyone else, it seems that your dog sees itself as a kind of prisoner who stays with you out of convenience but will run as soon as something better comes along. 
 
As is true with all research at the Intergalactic Business Report, what we’ve discovered is totally proprietary, which means we will never tell you how we did it. However, if you are a scientist or understand science at a very high level, you may be able to reverse engineer what we are reporting by using your brain to think backwards somehow and re-put together our ideas. Good luck with that. 
 

Are you into hot women but have no idea what you’re doing? In an exclusive Intergalactic Business Report report, actual hot chick Leighton Krzyzewski gives you the five secrets you for sure don’t know (because otherwise you’d have a hot girl like Leighton and not have to read this crap). Read and learn or don’t and burn.
 
 
By Leighton Krzyzewski.
 
Hot women like us are very busy these days—and we have a lot of options—so when it comes to the men we date there are certain qualities we look for and find appealing in our romantic partners.
 
1. Surprise me
Maybe we're out having a drink at some cute new bistro and you notice another man glance in my direction. Don't just sit there and grin knowing your girl looks like a million bucks. Walk right over there and crack a bottle across the back of the guy's head! You know it's the right thing to do. For extra bonus points, wait until he drops to the floor and then urinate upon his blissfully unconscious face while his wife and three kids look on. Make me feel special!
 
2. Be thoughtful
Let's say we go to the beach together. Don't ask if I need help putting lotion on my back. Of course I do! Just do it, don't ask. Spurt that stuff all over my bare back. Stand there and squeeze out gobs and gobs of that thick white goop on to me while the hot sun beats down upon your glistening brow. Let me know you care, not only about my physical appearance, but also my long-term skin cancer risks. 
 
3. Be there for me
A girl needs a shoulder to cry on when times get tough. So when the wealthy older man I cheated on you with is refusing to pay for my trip to Aruba like he promised, step up and get that third credit card so I can go! Winters are cold and you know I need my girl time on the island if I'm going to look and be my best for you. Watch my IG posts and it will be just like you’re there! 
 
4. Don't be the jealous type
Nothing is a bigger turn-off to a hot girl than an insecure and jealous man. So just because there may have been a time or two in the past where I got a teensy bit carried away, don't be all creepy about it. A big part of why you are so drawn to me is the fact that I'm a powerful, majestic goddess in touch with the greater universal forces, hence you cannot understand why I must follow my bliss wherever and whenever it call—especially if that call is coming late at night from a professional athlete whose team is only in town for the weekend.
 
5. Be yourself!
You don't need to pretend to be something you're not to try and impress me, Ryan Gosling!

Want to win a billion dollars in the mega super lottery this weekend? Good luck, because it’s totally fake. New, exclusive reporting has brought the Intergalactic Business Report astounding evidence that the lotteries played by millions of Americans each year are actually not real at all. 
 
As part of a secret expose on the lottery industry, our inside spy reporter has uncovered 13 chilling reasons why the game you play in hopes of getting rich is a cruel hoax.
 
 
Below, he outlines in stunning clarity the 13 reasons why:
 
1. I have never known one person who has won it, ever.
 
2. Nobody I know knows anybody who has won it. 

3. Nobody who has ever “won” it has been a real person. 

4. That show, “my lottery dream house” seems very fake. 

5. The checks they present to people during the fake ceremony on t.v. are way too big to fit in anyone’s wallet. They are clearly fake checks. 

6. When they can’t find any fake people to pretend they won the lottery and be filmed with the big fake checks, they just say the winner wants to be anonymous. How convenient. 

7. The numbers in the lottery change almost every single time they announce them, making it nearly impossible to predict what they will be from one day to the next. 

8. It would almost be too perfect to just go into a store, play the lottery, and then magically win like a hundred million dollars that evening while you’re just sitting around on your crappy couch drinking a beer. 

9. They must know that if I won the lottery I would just spend the money on stupid shit and they would hate that. I guess. Because otherwise I would be allowed to win it. 

10. I once told someone (who could have been a lottery official*) that I might win the lottery one day. He scoffed and said, “Good luck with that.” Obviously, he took pleasure in knowing I could never win at his fake, fake game. 

11. The word “lottery” means “fake” in many ancient languages that no longer exist. Look it up if you don’t believe me. Wait. You can’t. 

12. I once had none of the numbers that were called. None. Which is impossible. 

13. Many lottery titles sound like porn movies (Powerballs) or drug references (Megahits), which are clearly inside jokes that make lottery officials laugh as we spend zillions on their fake games.  
 
 
*While we cannot verify beyond any doubt that this person was indeed a lottery official, we can say with certainty that he had the look of a man who deceives people on a grand scale and thinks it’s funny. Which would make him almost 100% likely to be a lottery official. 

Breakthrough, proprietary research has given the Intergalactic Business Report a story that can only be described as stunning. 
 
For centuries, humankind has been mystified by its canine companions. Why do they listen to us, sometimes, when we tell them to sit, rollover, and do any number of degrading tasks? Why do they not simply murder us in our sleep? 
 
The Intergalactic Business Report presents to you the very first interview with an actual dog. While we cannot reveal how we were able to translate this animal’s speech and how it was able to understand our questions, suffice it to say we did it, and you should take our word for it, because it was scientific and makes sense if you understand science and how that works.
 
The subject, who we will simply refer to as “Jeff,” to hide his actual identity, answered several questions before running off and yelling something back to us, which we are still analyzing. We reveal the interview now:
 
Interviewer: Jeff, do you have a master? Or owner? I guess I should begin by asking you what you even call the person who cares for you.
 
Jeff: (unintelligible)
 
Interviewer: Moving on, what would you like to say to all humans?
 
Jeff: (unintelligible)
 
Interviewer: Do you have a dog name? One that your owner didn’t give you? One that dogs know you by or something like that?
 
Jeff: Rahfoot! (This is what we believe he said, or something that sounded like that. Maybe it was more like Raahft or Rffft.)
 
Interviewer: What do you like or hate the most about your life as a dog?
 
Jeff: (growling) 
 
At this point Jeff took off. He did turn briefly to yell something back to us. We believe it was the word “Harfoote” or “Feroote” which may be a reference to either Hobbits or a French word so ancient it has lost its meaning and cannot be found in dictionaries.