An old saying goes, “the future is all knowing.” Which means that if you could figure out what happened in the future, you would know what happens… In the future. To this end, the Intergalactic Business Report’s top futurist tells you what's coming, and if you like peanut butter, it isn’t good.
Below we outline six everyday life things that will be gone by the year 2025:
1. Peanut butter. Yes, peanut butter. Current peanut butter production is at an all-time high (or must be, considering how there’s so much peanut butter in every grocery store, right?), but within a few years people will stop eating it altogether when they figure out how much it resembles shit and then they can’t get that thought out of their minds.
2. Air conditioning. Air conditioning, like Santa Claus, exists only because people believe in it. The end of air conditioning will begin when a critical mass of people realizes that “cooling air” with a magic machine is not possible, at which point air conditioning units will shut down en masse.
3. Sex where you stand up (example: the wheelbarrow). Let’s face it, this will probably end earlier, when everyone is just kind of way too tired to have sex that requires any standing.
4. Car washes. The growing confusion around the difference between a premium wax and a regular wash will finally reach a boiling point and most people will just wait for it to rain or sell their car and assume someone else will wash it, leading to number 5 below.
5. Guys who write “wash me” in the dirt on cars.
6. Throw away greetings such as “how’s it going?” “What’s up?” “Hey there,” and “Good morning.” Our futurist believes that within a short time most people will see these as useless and insincere and replace them with expressive grunts or emotive statements like: “yowza” and “yummy.”
Ever see that good-looking co-worker get whatever he wants from the boss? Are you sick of moms who use their “used-to-be-a-model” appearance to cut in line at backyard cookouts? How about your friend from high school who was so “hot” she never had to pay for beer?
Attractive people have been abusing non-good-looking people like you for years, and it seems almost futile to try to stop them. After all, what can you do? Kill them? Before you try something crazy, consider this advice from a new proprietary psychological study* commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report. It shows conclusively that “attractiveness” has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with these three secret tactics that all beautiful people use to put and keep you down.
The next time you want someone to pay for your drinks, buy you a car, or make you a hostess in Japan, do these three things and watch the results:
1. Imagine you can read minds and that each mind is thinking how pretty you are. Clinical research ** has shown that this is precisely what all attractive people do when they see other human life forms. They eventually become so good at it that they do what is called a “mind transfer thought alignment” with your brain and others so that you don’t see their probably hideous appearance at all but instead recognize a majestic and perfectly balanced face with strong, magnetic features.
2. Refer to men as “boys” and women as “girls.” For some reason, really hot people always do this.
3. Try to have a nose that is in almost perfect proportion to the rest of your face. If it is too large, crooked, or has weird-looking nostrils, you will be considered ugly by most people. Also, make sure one of your eyes isn’t bigger than the other and that your mouth is in balance with all the features listed above. As a bonus, you could also have amazing hair.
*We thought about some stuff and wrote it down.
**The stuff we wrote down, we typed up afterwards.
You’re at a bar and you’ve been drinking too much. In other words, everything is perfect. But then, some friends start a conversation and you feel compelled to jump in and say what’s on your mind.
For years, people have regretted what they’ve said when drunk or become embarrassed or offended by what drunk people say. But a new study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report has determined that what you say when you’re really really drunk may be the best things you ever say in your entire life.
These nine formerly mortifying talking points are what you should be proud of most:
1. Saying you love someone, repeatedly, and then when they say, “I love you too,” being very skeptical and then repeating that you really mean it. You really love them and they don’t understand.
2. Giving your views on abortion. And race. And then some gibberish about how in the old days people got killed for doing something or other.
3. Trying to kiss someone and then, when rejected, apologizing for being super drunk, and then leaning in again for another kiss a second later.
4. Speaking an “alien” language because your mouth doesn’t work anymore.
5. Kind of coming out as gay, even though you aren’t. Or are you?
6. Making detailed vacation plans with other drunk people.
7. Offering to buy someone a car.
8. Telling someone to call you the next day so you can immediately get in on the “investment opportunity” he mentioned.
9. Telling that story about how you could have had sex with Rhonda Deckmeyer in ninth grade, but didn’t because your wiener couldn’t get hard. Then, maybe fifteen minutes later, telling it again, as if no one had heard it before. Then, repeating it every fifteen minutes until last call. Then, screaming to your friends in the parking lot, “my wiener can’t get hard!”
New scientific evidence has found that drinking enormous amounts of beer can actually have what some doctors* are calling the “immortal effect,” which is the feeling that you will live forever and cannot be harmed.
There is some disagreement on whether heavy drinkers simply believe they are immortal or whether they actually are, because one of them could be, kind of like in “Highlander.”
If you drink a lot and are concerned about either thinking you are immortal or actually being immortal, don’t worry. According to science, “enormous” consumption would be at least six beers a night an average of four days a week. Nobody drinks that much, so no worries.
*The word “doctor” is used liberally in this context and refers to anyone who says something doctorly, is nicknamed “doc,” or whose profession could not be ascertained, and we went with the assumption that he or she was a doctor.
Hate going to the dentist? Don’t worry. There won’t be such a thing in a few years. Like going to strip clubs? Too bad. They’ll be over too.
The Intergalactic Business Report’s top futurist gives you five present-day professions that will be gone in five years.
1. Dentist. This archaic profession features tooth “doctors” who invade your mouth with their fingers, medieval hooks, blades, and other torture devices. Within five years, our futurist believes most people will simply give up on the nonsense of paying to sit in a recliner and have someone basically mouth-rape them.
2. Stripper. In five years, you and your college buddies will be saying, “remember when we’d go to strip clubs where women would show us their tits and we’d pay for it?” Very soon, instead of going to these clubs, men will turn on a computer or mobile device, search for pictures or videos of naked women, and watch that instead. Wait, they can do that already. We guess the future is here early.
3. Dog walker. Most reputable scientists agree that it won’t be long before dogs (and some cats) will be fully autonomous and living in their own communities that have only light interactions with humans. Dog walkers from our present will likely be seen as the equivalent of war criminals and hunted by dogs who wish to bring them in to stand trial.
4. Character actor. When we see some guy who’s in every movie but we don’t know his name, we like to act smart by saying what a great “character actor” he is. In five years, we will realize that putting the word “character” in front of the word “actor” doesn’t make us sound smart and doesn’t make the actor any better (or make up for the fact that we have no idea what his name is and don’t really care).
5. Waitress. While it’s enjoyable to have young men or women take your order and bring you food (like some kind of slave), we will look back on this time and realize that the relationship between waiter and customer was completely racist (or something like that). Instead, people will just serve themselves at restaurants by paying money at the door and then eating at elaborate “troughs” filled with shared food.
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.