If you get your health advice from the internet, then here’s this.

Not Ben Affleck

Every day we live, we learn a new way to live longer, because the goal is to do this thing for more time than our friends and family. That way someday they’re dead and we’re still here—alone. At that moment, we can finally high-five ourselves without the burden of waiting for one of them to lift their decrepit arm to receive the hand slap. 

Anyway, the internet has a lot of tips for longevity and some of them are, well, bullshit. To save you time, we've chosen the advice we feel scientifically works. You're welcome. 
 
12 scientific internet tips to increase your longevity and improve your health:

1. Beaver pellets.
2. Do “backwards walking” more than “normal walking.”
3. Use spoons for fork things and forks for spoon things.
4. Trick your brain into thinking you are flying. Not in a plane, but on your own.
5. Eat things by absorbing them into your skin instead of putting them in your mouth.
6. Hold your nuts in your hands when you run.
7. Run until you literally hit a wall. This is your “distance quotient” and it determines the area you can cover before being stopped by something big enough that you cannot jump it, knock it over, or swim in it. 
8. Boogers are packed with protein.
9. If you can get a gopher to submit to you, it will be your servant* for life. 
10. Males only. On a light morning jog, use your penis as a “gear shifter.” First gear is very slow. Move your penis to second gear to increase speed. And so on. Remember where reverse is and when you’re done just flip it into neutral. 
11. Females only. Only eat what you can fit in your cooter. This is an effective way to control portions, unless you have a gigantic hoo hoo. In that case, try to same technique with your butt. If that is also huge, then maybe use a small zip loc bag or container to measure your food. 
12. There’s a chemical called endothiasime and it gets released into your bloodstream when your body thinks it’s having dangerous, unpredictable sex with someone you shouldn’t. No idea whether endothiasime is good or not, but a TON of it is getting released into your body each week.

 
 
*Begrudgingly, but those are the rules. 

Tees that will make you live longer (or not)