 Cynthia, flight attendant:
“If I seat you on an airplane and you’re wearing a tee shirt that says something hilarious like: ‘My Goal: Your hole,’ I’m in. And so are you.” (Available at ibrmerch.com). Trish, cheerleader: “When I think a guy is cute I’ll do this thing where I smile and look super enthusiastic. I know, I’m a professional cheerleader, and I’m paid to do that, but it’s slightly different than when I’m just doing my regular smiling and cheering. If you know, you know.” Delores, waitress: “If a guy writes on his bill, ‘You’ve been a very bad girl. You get NO tip,’ I’m in. It’s such a power move and I love it.” Brandy, cocktail waitress: “I like it when a guy pretends he’s someone else. Like a fictional character from a sci-fi movie. Something about it takes me away to another world where I can be anything I want. If a dude comes up to me and says, ‘Vraktor! Gee fulla dip!’ and starts shaking like he’s a robot or something, I will follow him anywhere.” Fanny, amateur garbage collector: “I’ll suck your dick!” Hyacinch, model: “If a guy dresses up like a child, there’s something about it that makes me excited. I don’t mean like a baby. I mean, super bright colors, weird shoes, shit with Thomas the Tank Engine. I’m so horny just thinking about it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to date you if you have a serious disability, or you have the MIND of a child. I just want you to act like you have a serious disability and the mind of a child—and dress the part.” Sandra, hot customs official: “Offer me drugs. Good drugs. I’m a sucker for that.” Lois, cheerleader: “Streakers. I love Streakers. Anyone who has the balls to run out onto a field and do that can call me anytime.” Brinn, nurse: “Ask for a full rectal exam, even if you’re in for something else. If you say it’s because you have a foreign object up your ass, we have to give it to you and if your insurance covers it, it will seem like it’s free.” Soledad, community theater actress: “I like it when a guy just approaches me on the street and asks me for money. It’s like he’s not afraid of a strong woman who’s doing financially better than him and he’s just putting it all out there.” Lucia, parking meter officer: “If you’re a hobo, tramp, or anyone that lives under a bridge, in a cardboard box or tent, or in a carved-out section of a tree, I will fuck you.” Madeline, offsite independent UFO analyst: “I hate lizard people, so if that’s you, forget it. But if you can convince me you’re in any way from another planet, or even country, I will definitely have sex with you. Did I say ‘country’? I meant ‘county.’”  Don't bring your laptop. When you sit down to eat out, are you the couth, dapper don you imagine, or a scrumbling mub, laughed at by those who bring you food and drink? It’s time for an etiquette check as the Intergalactic Business Report explores what you’re doing wrong when you pathetically pose at an eatery. So stuff that napkin in your collar, lean back, and learn. Waitstaff at some of the trendiest restaurants in the country tell us* what annoys them the most about their customers.
Ten annoying things you’re doing in a restaurant according to waitstaff. 1. Don’t bring a laptop to a restaurant. One waiter tells us, “No one’s so busy they need to bring a computer to dinner. It’s rude to the waiter, the restaurant, and others around you. Put work away and just enjoy the meal.” 2. Don’t tell waiters their food would be better if they “siphoned it through their buttholes.” An LA waitress tells us: “While butthole siphoning is a legitimate way to prepare food, it’s not known by many people outside elite culinary circles where they do things like buffalo slaughters and sea salt semen showers. Bottom line: you’re being pretentious so stop.” 3. Refrain from beating off under the table. Everyone can see you doing it and there’s a steady tapping noise that’s highly audible. “Uh yeah… We can see you,” says a hostess in the Midwest. “And the worst part is the eye contact. Keep it in your pants till you get home or at least in your car.” 4. Don’t purposely shit yourself and then ask if someone can come over and give you “a quick wipe.” This one drives one Florida waitress particularly mad. “First of all, there is no such thing as a ‘quick wipe.’ It takes at least thirty minutes. And, honestly, it’s nobody’s job. Am I wearing a little name tag that says, ‘Shit Wiper?’” 5. Don’t ask to see where employees have sex with each other. A waiter in Utah suggests: “If you want to know, ask if they’re hiring, come back to fill out an application, explain that the reason there are huge gaps in your work history is because you had a lot of issues you can’t talk about in front of other people, and then ask if there’s somewhere quiet you could talk and tell them about it and when they take you there, that’s the place where employees fuck each other.” 6. Stop leaving confederate currency as a tip. “You’re not an old southern general so stop showing up with a wad of money with Jefferson Davis’s face on it and making it rain slavery cash. It’s offensive and we wouldn’t accept that money even if it were legal tender.” 7. Don’t pretend you have an australianish/Scottish accent so loud and incomprehensible that it just sounds like you’re spitting food and maybe choking on your tongue. Says a NYC veteran waiter: “Are you doing Shrek or having a seizure? Yeesh.” 8. Stop standing up and announcing you are Jesus and then insinuating that Jesus may have a gun. “You’re scaring the customers. It’s that simple,” a St. Louis waitress tells us. “Jesus wouldn’t threaten people. So at least say you’re the devil or something.” 9. Never challenge the manager or other guests to a pecker slapping contest where the prize is to be part of a “manly competition in a controlled setting with a resistant audience.” At a deep south barbecue joint, a manager says that shutting these competitions down is by far the worst part of his job. “These boys will show up and act normal at first,” he says. “And then, after ten or twenty beers they’ll be pulling out their wieners and fighting with ‘em. They try to make it sound all scientific. ‘Controlled setting. Resistant audience.’ But all it is is a bunch of pecker slappers looking for a fight.” 10. Don’t do the thing where you never break from your persona as an 80’s robot. For example: “Hello wai-ter. My name is X3459, mod-el 3. What kind of oil to you have on tap? I am very thirs-tee.” “Oh my god,” says Hailey (not her real name), a waitress working in North Carolina. “People do this all the time and think it’s funny I guess. But to me it’s just annoying. I don’t mind it for the first couple minutes or so, but when they never break character I’m just like, give it a rest C3PO.” *No they didn’t.  Don’t fall for these common election scams this week.
The “Vote by Phone” text. Scammers will send a text telling you that it’s possible to vote by text if you give them your personal information. They will ask for your social security number and other personal details. DO NOT reply to them. Fake prostitutes asking you to vote for them. Scantily clad women will approach men and ask if they can cast a ballot in return for a sexual favor. If a man accepts, they follow them to the polling station, watch him enter to vote, and then disappear. Teenagers who say they will “deliver” your vote to the polling station. Groups of young people with official-looking badges roam neighborhoods and offer to vote for you. They say they’ve been designated by a government authority to cast a ballot by proxy. If you agree, they take down your information and, if you are voting for their opponent, they will promise to vote in your place. If you are voting for their candidate, they will say there is an issue with your district, and you must attend the polling center in person. Telepathy voting. Activist groups will target areas they feel are voting against their interests and tell residents they are able to vote telepathically. They will tell you that if you think really hard about your candidate, then a vote will be cast for them. If you do, it doesn’t actually work. Vote collectors. If someone comes through your neighborhood wearing a windbreaker that says “vote collector,” remember there is no such thing. “Vote collectors” will ask you to fill out a form stating whom you will vote for and then put the form into a cardboard box marked “votes.” Penis enhancing voting. If a young man or woman approaches you and tells you that if you vote for his or her candidate your penis will grow, there is no evidence this is true. Fake polling stations. When you are about to enter your polling station, a suspicious looking man jumps out of the bushes and says, “Psst. Wanna REALLY vote?” If you say yes, he brings you to a small tent where there is a “polling official” inside who asks you who you’re voting for and then says, “O.K. Vote taken.” This is NOT an actual polling station. |
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