 If you’ve given up making New Year’s resolutions because no matter what you promise to become or change you will always be a fat, disgusting nobody who’s locked into being that, then why not do things differently this year by making goals you don’t even want to keep because if you did it would make your life even crappier?
Just as we do every year, the Intergalactic Business Report provides you actionable insights about the New Year that you won’t find anywhere else. Stop being disappointed by not keeping your resolutions and instead be thrilled you didn’t. For years, you’ve been doing this wrong. Around January, you look back at the year and see the fuckups, misses, chances you didn’t take, and the opportunities that faded right in front of you because you were too slow, weak, or stupid. It’s a pattern of regret and depression that only makes your fat worthless self fatter and of even lower value. But that all changes this year because now you have the power to choose resolutions so destructive, awful, or inane that next year you can cheer yourself for NOT doing them. If that sounds too good to be true it’s because you are indeed too stupid and weak to have come up with this by yourself. Not to worry because we have you covered. Strike whatever you planned to resolve next year and adopt these 18 life-changing goals that are in your best interest to fail utterly, which is kind of your strength. 18 New Year’s resolutions you won’t want to keep. 1. Figure out how to make and store beef jerky. 2. Start playing Pickleball. 3. Write a book about how you’re Jesus and do all the illustrations too. 4. Become the fattest man in the world and record your journey as you surpass other fatties including the ones you never thought you could get near, like the ones on t.v. who are known for their fattitude. 5. Fight farm animals “mono-a-pata” and record your journey. 6. Start a John Wayne Gacy museum where you offer a non-lethal John Wayne Gacy “experience” where you dress up like a clown and try to choke people. 7. Figure out how to do day trading. 8. Get a license plate that says: “CRYPTOKNG.” 9. Become an untrained, amateur mercenary who lives by his own code of honor which is to never use weapons and to never be trained how to fight. 10. Start your own YouTube channel where you do “hitchhike” Karaoke by getting people to give you rides and then making them think you might kill them if they don’t sing super loudly to pre-selected songs you play on your unwieldy and massive boombox. 11. Buy the domain name “tittyhumpers.com” no matter the price. 12. See how many mortgages the bank will let you take out on your home, with three being satisfactory and nine being “elite” level. 13. Start a charity where you sexually service violent homeless people to temporarily make them less violent by quelling their urges and keeping them off the street, allowing that because they are homeless that last part might not be possible and you may need to fuck or suck them off right there. 14. Complete your prototype for “Penis Pool” and make it very clear to investors it has nothing to do with water and everything to do with whacking pool balls into holes with your dick. 15. Ascend to the throne and then realize the responsibilities and scrutiny are too much and that you can never escape your duties as sovereign. 16. Become the guy who breaks people’s toilets with his face. 17. Be an independent secret shopper who records all his grocery trips, ranks products and service, but keeps his reports in a mystery vault his kids find one day and say: “What the fuck is all this?” 18. Finally make your own version of “peanut butter” that doesn’t stick to the roof of your mouth because it isn’t really peanut butter and doesn’t taste like peanut butter and doesn’t even look like peanut butter, at which point you’re arrested for what’s really in it.  We’re embarrassed. The Intergalactic Business Report has been studying farts (formally) for almost ten years (and informally for 36) and Johns Hopkins University exceeded our efforts by discovering that fart vapor could treat and prevent Alzheimer’s.
As many publications cover this breakthrough, we agree this is one of the most astounding developments in the history of science. It also presents more questions than answers. For example, each article we found about the study clearly stated that hydrogen sulfide, the farty chemical released through one’s butt crevice, could have powerful cognitive effects on those who smelled it. Mysteriously though, every article also insisted you smell “your own” farts but neglects to explain why those are better than other people’s. In addition, while credit is given to a scientist at Johns Hopkins, we feel this all bears the skidmarks of Dr. Albert “smelly” Bernheiser, creator of the Fartpocalypse machine and owner of the trademark “Farty Party” van (available for prom, bar and bat mitzvahs, and vow renewal ceremonies). We may never know the truth, but we’re putting this out there now because if it’s true we said it first. We also question whether the research, which the scientists contend came from injecting mice with some kind of fart juice compound, was actually just a “who put his peanut butter in my chocolate” moment inadvertently discovered at a senior living community where unruly and noncompliant members are sometimes punished by being placed in a close windowed cafeteria as caretakers fart through the ventilation system until they submit. We imagine that instead of submitting, the farts made the seniors grow stronger and smarter until they figured out how to access the vents, crawl through them, and murder their captors. Again, we may never know. But while we may investigate this further in the future, we feel it’s imperative for now to use the knowledge available to help people in cognitive decline by giving them practical ways to inhale the purest forms of fart vapor. Below we list several ideas to unclog your mind by smelling farts. Practical ways to inhale fart vapors and stop your cognitive decline. Butt funnel. This simple method involves a funnel and your butt (if you’re flexible enough). If you can’t stretch to sniff, you may borrow someone else’s (butt). Just have him or her fart through the funnel that is completely covering your face. Breathe in. Don’t breathe out. Dutch oven. The classic fart containment method is effective in that it only requires a blanket, and two or three people can feasibly all benefit from the fart as it is captured in a makeshift “terror dome” of excremental fumes. You may be tempted to escape, but doing so will limit the effectiveness not only for you, but for others. Try to be selfless. Hot fart box. This involves lighting a fart on fire and taking it in your face. We are not totally sure about the efficacy of this method because it is like an explosion and might just burn off your face, but the drama and spectacle may entice others to join your fart smelling journey. Fart hole. While a little more complex than the fart funnel (see above) the fart hole is like a glory hole only instead of a penis going through it, it’s a fart. Cleveland steam room. Although experimental, this is where someone takes a dump on the floor of a steam room and you sit in there with the smell. Not sure if this releases hydrogen sulfide, but, like farts, it definitely smells like shit. So there’s that. Fart bong. Instead of ripping a bong hit, you’re now ripping a fart-infused bong hit and the high is stinky good. In fact, Jamaicans are now calling this “smokin’ da stank weed.”* *No they’re not.  Like most single men, you want to meet someone cool, attractive, and smart. You picture how the interaction may go—playful banter, flirting, and a lot of eye contact. In reality, when you meet a girl, you always blow it. It may come as a relief to know that it’s not you—it’s psychology.
We talked to experts* and asked them what it is that turns women on and off when you have a conversation, and while we didn’t get to the part that turns them on, we did find out what sends them running. Turns out three commonly used phrases are negative triggers that could make women repelled by you. We share them below. Three phrases that make women lose interest immediately. 1. “I’m so poor I can’t afford plastic surgery to remove my extra nipples and stop the puss from coming out of my forehead.” 2. “Have you seen my penis? Because I haven’t in seventeen years.” 3. “Blaaaaaaaah! Blaaaaaaaah! ARRRRRRRRRRgh!” *Drunk people who may not even have been drunk but just acted that way. |
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