As the Liver King is neutralized, Ed Mountaineer issues his own challenge to Joe Rogan.

Thirty years ago when a crazy person had fantasies about fighting a celebrity, no one heard about it. Today, we get to see minute by minute ranting, plotting, and hard to follow lists of grievances. When Brian Johnson, known as the “Liver King” for his prehistoric diet and behavior showed up in Austin Texas to hunt for Joe Rogan, Instagram viewers were subjected to seeing what looked like someone put a scary homeless person put on camera and said: “Go.” 
 
When Johnson was detained and issued a restraining order, our own Ed Mountaineer, also known for his celebrity obsession and beefs, immediately decided to issue his own challenge to Joe Rogan. We have reprinted it below:
 
 
Ed Mountaineer’s challenge to Joe Rogan. 
 
Joe. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but we have tension too. Not the kind of tension that will get me detained by the Austin PD, but the kind where I write an internet article and say weird shit you will never read and act like that somehow connects us to each other. 
 
I have a beef with you. In fact, I have many beefs. I am going to list them now and give you an opportunity to address them:

1. Our relationship is one-sided. If our friendship was a business, you would be an outside investor who owned zero percent and never answered the direct mail piece we mass mailed to everyone about buying property on a beautiful lake in Tennessee.    

2. Unnghh. Arrgggh. That’s angry talk.  

3. Crazy eyes. I can’t show you these on paper but they’re there and they are watching you in a way that makes your feel uncomfortable and maybe a little sorry for me but, nope, you’re just uncomfortable. 

4. I am not wearing a shirt.   

5. Pants are still on in case you’re wondering.   

6. It’s basically me, in jeans, without a shirt on.  

7. The jeans aren’t nice. They’re like jorts before they become jorts, which become jorts because the jeans are so bad you just make them into jorts because who gives a fuck.  

8. You could cut the tension between us with a knife. But I don’t have a knife so don’t freak out.

9. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.   


Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
 

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