 A lot has been written lately about the importance of bowel movements. While it remains a bit taboo, a growing acceptance and openness about the subject is allowing many to push out solutions and better methods for just how to take an optimal dump.
Turns out, the key to a perfect discharge is all in your head and a number of experts* are recommending mental exercises to put your bathroom visits into a blissful “flow state.” We picked the most beneficial advice and list it below: Mental tricks for having the perfect poop. -Each “squeeze” should go with a corresponding grunt. For example: “Unnnngh!” or “Aaaaaah!” -An internal monologue is the most helpful trick for a smooth experience. Try telling yourself a story about an elephant who is taking a massive dump. Sample: “Abner the elephant excused himself from the herd and found a quiet place near the river where he could be alone. He squatted a little bit and then took the most massive dump any elephant had ever taken. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw little Marisol, a baby elephant whose eyes widened in amazement as he emptied his poop shoot into their water supply…” -Visualize a subway tunnel. Then picture a massive turd shooting down it, away from you. Very important: always have it going away from you. -Stand, sit, stand. This loosens your resolve to hold it in while diminishing your inhibitions about “taking a shit” in a dignified manner. -Imagine yourself on a beach, by a tiki hut, and drinking something called a “Peruvian Mudslide.” -Every once in a while, shit your pants. Like on a bus or something. This teaches you to be able to go whenever and wherever. The first couple times it’s difficult and embarrassing, but after a while you’re just another dude on public transportation shitting his pants and staring at everybody. -Pretend you are the turd inside you and sing the Diana Ross classic “I’m coming out” while you defecate. *Experts at taking a dump. For example, Rory McMichaels of Plano Texas who holds the self-proclaimed records for longest, heaviest, and widest turds in human history.  You’re not a psychology expert, or even very “socially aware,” and yet you do need to talk with people to get food, hold a job, and maybe some other things. You notice “cool” people holding effortless conversations and charming others with their flirtatious agreeableness. Oh, how you wish you could do that—could be them. Today, that changes (a little).
While we can’t turn you into a social dynamo with a short article in a publication no one reads, we can at least let you know what you’re doing wrong. Every day, and in every human interaction, you use language that simply turns people off, makes you sound uneducated, and may even scare them. We identify these faux paus and give you the opportunity to eliminate them from your personal usage. We focus on 12 phrases you use too often, and that have a negative effect on how you present yourself. Stop using these and you will see an immediate change in how people react to you. 12 phrases that make you sound less intelligent. Stop using them TODAY. 1. “UNNNGggggh. Yeah. UnggggHHHHH!” 2. “Mah name is ______. Me crush you.” 3. “AHHHHHHHH! Yuh huh. AHHHHHHHHHHH!” 4. “Fart make me stronger! PFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTT…” 5. “ABABABABABABABABAH! BAH!” 6. Dear ladies and good sirs, gather round as I present to you the Earl of Pantaloons, also known as my penis. 7. “BLAM! BLAM BLAM BLAM! BLAM!” 8. ****Rocket noise**** “Time for take off!” ****Rocket noise**** 9. “Splat!” “SPLAT!” (Said while touching people’s faces.) 10. “Call me the juggler! Call me THE JUGGLER! CALL ME THE JUGGLER!” 11. (Whisper voice) Did you hear that? Did you hear that? (Fart noise). 12. Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name. (This is your intro before doing an entire, impromptu, acapella “Stones” concert, from which no audience member may leave until the cops arrive and you get tazed.)  If you’ve ever seen the classic movie “Roadhouse” starring Patrick Swayze, you probably have some questions about the legality of almost everything that happened. Beyond the obvious issues involving contract and employment law and reckless driving, we focus on the murder of kingpin Ben Gazzara who, although he’s responsible for bringing J.C. Penny to town (ask anybody), is still murdered in his home by the local Rotary Club.
Using unknown technology that allows us to create conversations that never happened but should have, the Intergalactic Business Report treats you to what many have called the greatest legal dialogue since Willam Jennings Bryan told Clarence Darrow to suck his dick. Enjoy, as the men who murdered Ben Gazzara in cold blood discuss their legal strategy with a lawyer. The people from “Road House” who murdered Ben Gazzara discuss legal strategy. People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: My friends and I entered a bad man’s mansion and we shot him. Is that illegal? Lawyer: Yes, it is technically illegal to shoot a man in his home. People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: What if one of us collected the rifles we used and carried them away somewhere? Lawyer: If he took all the murder weapons and removed them from the murder scene, then it would make a police investigation more difficult. People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: What if there were a bunch of other dead bodies lying around? Lawyer: Did you and your friends kill those people? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: No. Patrick Swayze did. Lawyer: Where was he when the police showed up? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: Hanging out with us, near the body of the rich guy we murdered. Lawyer: Where did your friend bring all the murder weapons? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: Out of the room. Then he came back. Lawyer: As long as the weapons are out of the room when the police arrived there is no way you can be convicted of anything. What did the police do when they got there? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: They asked us what happened. Lawyer: And what did you say? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: We said we didn’t see anything. Lawyer: Did they ask you why you were there? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: No. Lawyer: Then you should be good. And all of you said you didn’t see anything? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: Yes. Every one of us. Oh, except the guy who used to work for the bad man. Lawyer: What did he say? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: He said a polar bear fell on him. Lawyer: What happened after that? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: We all snickered. Lawyer: Good. Was the former goon also armed? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: He threw his gun in the fireplace. Lawyer: There’s no way the police would look there, so he’s safe. People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazzara: One other thing. Patrick Swayze ripped a man’s throat out and threw him in the river. Lawyer: The river will probably cover his tracks. There’s no way to tie it to him because maybe the man ripped his own throat off. People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazarra: Also, one of us owns a Ford dealership and the bad man showed up with a monster truck and ran over all our inventory. Lawyer: Were there witnesses? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazarra: Yes, like a hundred people. Lawyer: I don’t think there’s anything you can do about that. Do you have insurance? People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazarra: That’s unclear. Lawyer: Your best bet is to just recover what you can in the bad man’s house. Steal some taxidermy or expensive objects. People from Road House who murdered Ben Gazarra: We’re worried about Patrick Swayze. He just went on a killing spree, and he looks crazed with bloodlust. Lawyer: Don’t be concerned. He’s in a swimming pool with the hot doctor who forgave him for murdering everyone. He’s fine.  If you’ve seen Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, you’ll notice he appears hopelessly blotto as he plays a man who drinks so much he finally dies and you’re sad but also kind of relieved the movie is over. Turns out Cage had a little help from a “drinking coach” who taught him how to look and behave like an alcoholic. Also, he and Cage got super shit-faced together, so it wasn’t even really acting.
In what we consider yet another masterful side hustle, the Intergalactic Business Report announces it will now be in the business of providing authorized “drinking coaches” to not only actors who are trying to look drunk, but also the general public, meaning anyone who will pay for this. Unlike Nic Cage, who worked with a “poet” (which is like hiring someone in radio ad sales to teach you what it’s like to live with STDs), we provide you with a veritable stable of lost men and women who will teach you how to lose your job, likeability, and potential. Oh, and also all your money. Very important. Below is how it all works: Starting is easy. You call us and we match you with a drinking coach who meets YOUR needs for being a degenerate alcoholic. That means you do a survey or something, where we ask you questions. You answer those questions and then we pick someone who will essentially follow you around and “coach” you. About our coaches. We find only the nastiest alcoholics who will show you what if feels like to spend time with the nastiest alcoholic you’ve ever met. Your coach is so realistic he will lie and steal from you. But not so realistic that he will “break” from being an alcoholic and behave normally, even for a few minutes. Why do this? What will I learn? If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to get drunk, really drunk, and then suffer irreversible consequences, then this is for you. Our coaches will train you how to get so drunk, everyone around you will believe you have a crippling addiction, because you probably do. That’s the magic of our program. FAQ: Is the drinking real? Is this fist real? Huh? You wanna find out? How much does it cost? How much does it cost? How much does it cost? You sound so stupid when you say that. Is this dangerous? Is this fist dangerous? Huh? You wanna find out? I hired a coach and now he won’t leave me alone. You’ve gotta be more specific. I think my coach is sleeping in my children’s playset in my backyard. These are “accommodations” we provide all our coaches. Do I pay the coach directly? She keeps asking for a cash payment. At this point, you need to decide if you’re actually serious about this or not. Do you want to lose it all? Or do you want to have a nice little life where nothing ever happens and you’re safe and secure? If you answered yes, then pay up. Life costs money. THIS costs money. YOU something something…money. I had sex with my “coach.” Am I going to die of something? Uh huh. I got on a plane with my coach. Should I have done that? You got on a plane with him? Where the fuck are you going? He won’t tell me where we’re going. Don’t you have a ticket that tells you that? Doesn’t the pilot say, “welcome to flight whatever with service to…?” Nope. We’re in a Cessna or something. And I think the pilot is a friend of his. You’re fine then. Just go with it. This is how you learn.  If you’ve given up making New Year’s resolutions because no matter what you promise to become or change you will always be a fat, disgusting nobody who’s locked into being that, then why not do things differently this year by making goals you don’t even want to keep because if you did it would make your life even crappier?
Just as we do every year, the Intergalactic Business Report provides you actionable insights about the New Year that you won’t find anywhere else. Stop being disappointed by not keeping your resolutions and instead be thrilled you didn’t. For years, you’ve been doing this wrong. Around January, you look back at the year and see the fuckups, misses, chances you didn’t take, and the opportunities that faded right in front of you because you were too slow, weak, or stupid. It’s a pattern of regret and depression that only makes your fat worthless self fatter and of even lower value. But that all changes this year because now you have the power to choose resolutions so destructive, awful, or inane that next year you can cheer yourself for NOT doing them. If that sounds too good to be true it’s because you are indeed too stupid and weak to have come up with this by yourself. Not to worry because we have you covered. Strike whatever you planned to resolve next year and adopt these 18 life-changing goals that are in your best interest to fail utterly, which is kind of your strength. 18 New Year’s resolutions you won’t want to keep. 1. Figure out how to make and store beef jerky. 2. Start playing Pickleball. 3. Write a book about how you’re Jesus and do all the illustrations too. 4. Become the fattest man in the world and record your journey as you surpass other fatties including the ones you never thought you could get near, like the ones on t.v. who are known for their fattitude. 5. Fight farm animals “mono-a-pata” and record your journey. 6. Start a John Wayne Gacy museum where you offer a non-lethal John Wayne Gacy “experience” where you dress up like a clown and try to choke people. 7. Figure out how to do day trading. 8. Get a license plate that says: “CRYPTOKNG.” 9. Become an untrained, amateur mercenary who lives by his own code of honor which is to never use weapons and to never be trained how to fight. 10. Start your own YouTube channel where you do “hitchhike” Karaoke by getting people to give you rides and then making them think you might kill them if they don’t sing super loudly to pre-selected songs you play on your unwieldy and massive boombox. 11. Buy the domain name “tittyhumpers.com” no matter the price. 12. See how many mortgages the bank will let you take out on your home, with three being satisfactory and nine being “elite” level. 13. Start a charity where you sexually service violent homeless people to temporarily make them less violent by quelling their urges and keeping them off the street, allowing that because they are homeless that last part might not be possible and you may need to fuck or suck them off right there. 14. Complete your prototype for “Penis Pool” and make it very clear to investors it has nothing to do with water and everything to do with whacking pool balls into holes with your dick. 15. Ascend to the throne and then realize the responsibilities and scrutiny are too much and that you can never escape your duties as sovereign. 16. Become the guy who breaks people’s toilets with his face. 17. Be an independent secret shopper who records all his grocery trips, ranks products and service, but keeps his reports in a mystery vault his kids find one day and say: “What the fuck is all this?” 18. Finally make your own version of “peanut butter” that doesn’t stick to the roof of your mouth because it isn’t really peanut butter and doesn’t taste like peanut butter and doesn’t even look like peanut butter, at which point you’re arrested for what’s really in it.  We’re embarrassed. The Intergalactic Business Report has been studying farts (formally) for almost ten years (and informally for 36) and Johns Hopkins University exceeded our efforts by discovering that fart vapor could treat and prevent Alzheimer’s.
As many publications cover this breakthrough, we agree this is one of the most astounding developments in the history of science. It also presents more questions than answers. For example, each article we found about the study clearly stated that hydrogen sulfide, the farty chemical released through one’s butt crevice, could have powerful cognitive effects on those who smelled it. Mysteriously though, every article also insisted you smell “your own” farts but neglects to explain why those are better than other people’s. In addition, while credit is given to a scientist at Johns Hopkins, we feel this all bears the skidmarks of Dr. Albert “smelly” Bernheiser, creator of the Fartpocalypse machine and owner of the trademark “Farty Party” van (available for prom, bar and bat mitzvahs, and vow renewal ceremonies). We may never know the truth, but we’re putting this out there now because if it’s true we said it first. We also question whether the research, which the scientists contend came from injecting mice with some kind of fart juice compound, was actually just a “who put his peanut butter in my chocolate” moment inadvertently discovered at a senior living community where unruly and noncompliant members are sometimes punished by being placed in a close windowed cafeteria as caretakers fart through the ventilation system until they submit. We imagine that instead of submitting, the farts made the seniors grow stronger and smarter until they figured out how to access the vents, crawl through them, and murder their captors. Again, we may never know. But while we may investigate this further in the future, we feel it’s imperative for now to use the knowledge available to help people in cognitive decline by giving them practical ways to inhale the purest forms of fart vapor. Below we list several ideas to unclog your mind by smelling farts. Practical ways to inhale fart vapors and stop your cognitive decline. Butt funnel. This simple method involves a funnel and your butt (if you’re flexible enough). If you can’t stretch to sniff, you may borrow someone else’s (butt). Just have him or her fart through the funnel that is completely covering your face. Breathe in. Don’t breathe out. Dutch oven. The classic fart containment method is effective in that it only requires a blanket, and two or three people can feasibly all benefit from the fart as it is captured in a makeshift “terror dome” of excremental fumes. You may be tempted to escape, but doing so will limit the effectiveness not only for you, but for others. Try to be selfless. Hot fart box. This involves lighting a fart on fire and taking it in your face. We are not totally sure about the efficacy of this method because it is like an explosion and might just burn off your face, but the drama and spectacle may entice others to join your fart smelling journey. Fart hole. While a little more complex than the fart funnel (see above) the fart hole is like a glory hole only instead of a penis going through it, it’s a fart. Cleveland steam room. Although experimental, this is where someone takes a dump on the floor of a steam room and you sit in there with the smell. Not sure if this releases hydrogen sulfide, but, like farts, it definitely smells like shit. So there’s that. Fart bong. Instead of ripping a bong hit, you’re now ripping a fart-infused bong hit and the high is stinky good. In fact, Jamaicans are now calling this “smokin’ da stank weed.”* *No they’re not.  Like most single men, you want to meet someone cool, attractive, and smart. You picture how the interaction may go—playful banter, flirting, and a lot of eye contact. In reality, when you meet a girl, you always blow it. It may come as a relief to know that it’s not you—it’s psychology.
We talked to experts* and asked them what it is that turns women on and off when you have a conversation, and while we didn’t get to the part that turns them on, we did find out what sends them running. Turns out three commonly used phrases are negative triggers that could make women repelled by you. We share them below. Three phrases that make women lose interest immediately. 1. “I’m so poor I can’t afford plastic surgery to remove my extra nipples and stop the puss from coming out of my forehead.” 2. “Have you seen my penis? Because I haven’t in seventeen years.” 3. “Blaaaaaaaah! Blaaaaaaaah! ARRRRRRRRRRgh!” *Drunk people who may not even have been drunk but just acted that way.  Just in time to ruin our hard-drinking holiday season, an excerpt from a New York Times podcast about why you shouldn’t drink alcohol has been popping up all over the internet as a foreboding warning about the dangers of overconsumption and that we will all die early unless we abide by the wisdom of “health reporters” and other dubious experts.
The quote in circulation comes from NY Times health reporter Dana G. Smith, who is known for her uplifting Dry January article, “Even a little alcohol can harm your health.” The podcast quotes her saying: “You can’t just not drink Monday through Friday and then have all seven or 14 drinks on the weekend and think that you’re still within the moderate limit.” We found this a little harsh until we began speaking with our own health experts* who told us that Smith’s caution was light when compared with their warnings. For example:
*We meant “perverts.” We regret the error.  All around the country children are counting their Halloween hauls and trading siblings and friends for their favorite trick-or-treats. Meanwhile, our own Ed Mountaineer measures his intake from last night. We share it below. (Don’t trade with him).
Ed Mountaineer’s Halloween Haul:
 Not Ben Affleck Every day we live, we learn a new way to live longer, because the goal is to do this thing for more time than our friends and family. That way someday they’re dead and we’re still here—alone. At that moment, we can finally high-five ourselves without the burden of waiting for one of them to lift their decrepit arm to receive the hand slap.
Anyway, the internet has a lot of tips for longevity and some of them are, well, bullshit. To save you time, we've chosen the advice we feel scientifically works. You're welcome. 12 scientific internet tips to increase your longevity and improve your health:
*Begrudgingly, but those are the rules. |
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