 We’re embarrassed. The Intergalactic Business Report has been studying farts (formally) for almost ten years (and informally for 36) and Johns Hopkins University exceeded our efforts by discovering that fart vapor could treat and prevent Alzheimer’s.
As many publications cover this breakthrough, we agree this is one of the most astounding developments in the history of science. It also presents more questions than answers. For example, each article we found about the study clearly stated that hydrogen sulfide, the farty chemical released through one’s butt crevice, could have powerful cognitive effects on those who smelled it. Mysteriously though, every article also insisted you smell “your own” farts but neglects to explain why those are better than other people’s. In addition, while credit is given to a scientist at Johns Hopkins, we feel this all bears the skidmarks of Dr. Albert “smelly” Bernheiser, creator of the Fartpocalypse machine and owner of the trademark “Farty Party” van (available for prom, bar and bat mitzvahs, and vow renewal ceremonies). We may never know the truth, but we’re putting this out there now because if it’s true we said it first. We also question whether the research, which the scientists contend came from injecting mice with some kind of fart juice compound, was actually just a “who put his peanut butter in my chocolate” moment inadvertently discovered at a senior living community where unruly and noncompliant members are sometimes punished by being placed in a close windowed cafeteria as caretakers fart through the ventilation system until they submit. We imagine that instead of submitting, the farts made the seniors grow stronger and smarter until they figured out how to access the vents, crawl through them, and murder their captors. Again, we may never know. But while we may investigate this further in the future, we feel it’s imperative for now to use the knowledge available to help people in cognitive decline by giving them practical ways to inhale the purest forms of fart vapor. Below we list several ideas to unclog your mind by smelling farts. Practical ways to inhale fart vapors and stop your cognitive decline. Butt funnel. This simple method involves a funnel and your butt (if you’re flexible enough). If you can’t stretch to sniff, you may borrow someone else’s (butt). Just have him or her fart through the funnel that is completely covering your face. Breathe in. Don’t breathe out. Dutch oven. The classic fart containment method is effective in that it only requires a blanket, and two or three people can feasibly all benefit from the fart as it is captured in a makeshift “terror dome” of excremental fumes. You may be tempted to escape, but doing so will limit the effectiveness not only for you, but for others. Try to be selfless. Hot fart box. This involves lighting a fart on fire and taking it in your face. We are not totally sure about the efficacy of this method because it is like an explosion and might just burn off your face, but the drama and spectacle may entice others to join your fart smelling journey. Fart hole. While a little more complex than the fart funnel (see above) the fart hole is like a glory hole only instead of a penis going through it, it’s a fart. Cleveland steam room. Although experimental, this is where someone takes a dump on the floor of a steam room and you sit in there with the smell. Not sure if this releases hydrogen sulfide, but, like farts, it definitely smells like shit. So there’s that. Fart bong. Instead of ripping a bong hit, you’re now ripping a fart-infused bong hit and the high is stinky good. In fact, Jamaicans are now calling this “smokin’ da stank weed.”* *No they’re not.  Like most single men, you want to meet someone cool, attractive, and smart. You picture how the interaction may go—playful banter, flirting, and a lot of eye contact. In reality, when you meet a girl, you always blow it. It may come as a relief to know that it’s not you—it’s psychology.
We talked to experts* and asked them what it is that turns women on and off when you have a conversation, and while we didn’t get to the part that turns them on, we did find out what sends them running. Turns out three commonly used phrases are negative triggers that could make women repelled by you. We share them below. Three phrases that make women lose interest immediately. 1. “I’m so poor I can’t afford plastic surgery to remove my extra nipples and stop the puss from coming out of my forehead.” 2. “Have you seen my penis? Because I haven’t in seventeen years.” 3. “Blaaaaaaaah! Blaaaaaaaah! ARRRRRRRRRRgh!” *Drunk people who may not even have been drunk but just acted that way.  Just in time to ruin our hard-drinking holiday season, an excerpt from a New York Times podcast about why you shouldn’t drink alcohol has been popping up all over the internet as a foreboding warning about the dangers of overconsumption and that we will all die early unless we abide by the wisdom of “health reporters” and other dubious experts.
The quote in circulation comes from NY Times health reporter Dana G. Smith, who is known for her uplifting Dry January article, “Even a little alcohol can harm your health.” The podcast quotes her saying: “You can’t just not drink Monday through Friday and then have all seven or 14 drinks on the weekend and think that you’re still within the moderate limit.” We found this a little harsh until we began speaking with our own health experts* who told us that Smith’s caution was light when compared with their warnings. For example:
*We meant “perverts.” We regret the error.  All around the country children are counting their Halloween hauls and trading siblings and friends for their favorite trick-or-treats. Meanwhile, our own Ed Mountaineer measures his intake from last night. We share it below. (Don’t trade with him).
Ed Mountaineer’s Halloween Haul:
 Not Ben Affleck Every day we live, we learn a new way to live longer, because the goal is to do this thing for more time than our friends and family. That way someday they’re dead and we’re still here—alone. At that moment, we can finally high-five ourselves without the burden of waiting for one of them to lift their decrepit arm to receive the hand slap.
Anyway, the internet has a lot of tips for longevity and some of them are, well, bullshit. To save you time, we've chosen the advice we feel scientifically works. You're welcome. 12 scientific internet tips to increase your longevity and improve your health:
*Begrudgingly, but those are the rules.  Whether you’re alive or departed, at some point we all end up in a funeral home. While the dead have moved on beyond social concerns, the living must contend with negotiating casket prices, choosing morbid “celebration of life” packages, and staring into the steely dark eyes of morticians, who run your loved one’s final show.
If you’re dealing with loss and grieving, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you some inside tips on how to manage the etiquette and expectations of funeral homes while maintaining the dignity of the deceased. We asked morticians and funeral home directors for industry secrets and what you should never do when planning a funeral. What they told us may change the way you see death and dying forever: Burt Davis, Davis Funeral Home, Whapanoe CT: “Don’t ask for the body to be posed with a lollipop or sucker in its mouth. It looks disrespectful and you have to glue the candy stick to the fingers. Don’t even get me started about what it takes to hold the arm in a position to suck the candy and how to get the fingers to grasp the stick.” Fred Duhamian*, Blessed Peace Funeral Home, Morgan UT: “Stop asking me if I’ve ever had sex with the bodies. I haven’t, O.K.? That’s like a fireable offense. If it weren’t, I STILL wouldn’t have sex with them. Is that clear enough?” Alexia Trundle, Harborview Mortuary Services, Harborview ME: “I know it may seem cool to show up to a wake or a viewing wearing superhero clothes or sexy kitty lingerie or whatever, but have some respect for the dead and the mourners. So uncool.” Bernard Holmes, Holmes Funeral Home, Absinthe MN: “If you slip me a fiver, I’ll let you have sex with the bodies.” Marsha Redgrave, Funeral Magic, Muscatine IA: “The dicks on the bodies are hard for like five hours after, so shoot your shot when you have the chance. The window closes sooner than you think.” Jerry “Boston” Aurelias, Tony’s Death Emporium, Stockton CA: “Embalming fluid makes sure the body can be seen in a peaceful, respectful way. It also helps with the smell and makes it more pleasant if, say, someone were to climb into the casket and be in there, with the body, for a time. Which I don’t do.” *Fred Duhamian is facing charges for necrophilia. He is innocent until proven guilty.  The story of a man who died after drinking only alcohol for thirty days sent ripples of fear among drinkers across the world.
Unlike the man who ate only soap for a day before dying and the man who ate only rat poison for one hour, the man who died after drinking only alcohol for thirty days has mystified news followers with his story of perseverance sabotaged by the miscalculation that drinking nothing but alcohol for weeks would be fine and not kill you. This Thai news story immediately captivated the staff of the Intergalactic Business Report and editors scrambled to cover this breaking threat to public health. Indeed, several editors, who were on their twentieth and twenty-fifth days of drinking felt compelled to take a pause until further research into the subject could be conducted. Also in Thailand, an influencer died after drinking two bottles of whiskey in twenty minutes, prompting us to consider whether the new alcohol health threat was perhaps just a “Thai thing.” Turns out, it’s not. In fact, almost anyone who drinks alcohol could be affected if they do one of several seemingly harmless, alcohol related activities. If you drink, read our report before you take another sip. NEVER do these 7 things, if you drink alcohol. (Unless you want to die.) 1. Drink from a “booze hose,” which can shoot alcohol into your mouth like a pressure washer you hooked up to your mouth. Only instead of water, it’s alcohol. Apparently, the rate of alcohol to your swallowing power is a problem. Also, the amount of alcohol you put into your body is also a problem. Like a death problem. 2. Do 72 shots in 14 minutes. For some reason, your body seems unable to metabolize the alcohol in this time frame. It also seems unable to “be alive.” 3. Do intravenous alcohol through an IV. Even with careful monitoring by an off-duty nurse who likes to get fucked up and is off-duty because she got fired for fondling patients, this method of consuming alcohol could end your life by quickly accelerating your blood/alcohol level to 100% alcohol with some traces of blood.* 4. Inject gin or vodka into your groin or buttocks. While this may seem harmless, apparently it isn’t. 5. Submerge your head into a vat of beer and not come out till you drink it all. Even the character “Landfill” in Beerfest couldn’t do this one although the scene has inspired many people to take on this challenge. Don’t be one of them. 6. Take a loaded gun, point it at your head, do a shot, and then pull the trigger. Called “going shot for shot” this game has an almost 100% death rate. 7. Strap a keg of beer to your back, place the tap in your mouth, and jump off a cliff. *Some skeptics have argued you could become a kind of semi-animated zombie creature and function by just running booze through your veins in place of blood but we’re waiting on the science to back this up.** **The science just got here and it says you’d die. We know, it would be cool to be the zombie thing. Sorry. Loneliness epidemic? Use these seven simple party tips and instantly rekindle social connection.7/12/2025  Test the sparklers before you put them in your butt. America has become a culture of disconnection. Friendships decline, neighbors don’t socialize, and the dinner party is an ancient relic. In our growing isolation, the simple necessity of human companionship and friend networks have become less needed for survival and replaced with empty social media relationships, zoom calls, and artificial intelligence. Now, many are looking for ways to overcome our discontent and loneliness through social interaction.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you seven small-sided party concepts that will help you connect, reconnect, and end the despair—almost instantaneously. Call your best friends, new neighbors, or work colleagues and try these this weekend: 1. Host a “feelings party.” Invite participants to your house for an examination of feelings, which entails getting felt up. By you. Afterwards, return the favor and let them feel YOU up. 2. Blindfolded fuck party. Nobody knows who’s getting fucked by whom. Actually, you are aware when you are getting fucked or fucking. But the person being fucked by you doesn’t know which one you are. You get it. 3. Glory holes. Have a wall in your house? Drill a hole in it and let loose with this super fun concept that extinguishes the social anxiety of seeing who’s handling your dick. Also, if you’re on the receiving end and recognize the dick, you can just say, “next” and a brand-new dick will appear. If you recognize that one, just say, “next” and so on, till you either find a fresh dick or run out of old ones. 4. No eye contact sex with a donkey. No eye contact is with the donkey itself and not onlookers. If you stare down the donkey, it will kick the fuck out of you. 5. Peanut butter dick slapping. This one speaks for itself. 6. Bonfire where you all fuck each other. Start the fire. Someone plays a ukelele. Then you fuck each other. If you can, have the ukelele player sing “We didn’t start the fire.” Or don’t. 7. Eyes Wide Open sex party. Like the sex parties from “Eyes Wide Shut” except there are no masks and everyone knows everyone, at least in the sense that they’ve been introduced at the taco bar. Note: set up a taco bar beforehand. Thirty years ago when a crazy person had fantasies about fighting a celebrity, no one heard about it. Today, we get to see minute by minute ranting, plotting, and hard to follow lists of grievances. When Brian Johnson, known as the “Liver King” for his prehistoric diet and behavior showed up in Austin Texas to hunt for Joe Rogan, Instagram viewers were subjected to seeing what looked like someone put a scary homeless person put on camera and said: “Go.”
When Johnson was detained and issued a restraining order, our own Ed Mountaineer, also known for his celebrity obsession and beefs, immediately decided to issue his own challenge to Joe Rogan. We have reprinted it below: Ed Mountaineer’s challenge to Joe Rogan. Joe. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but we have tension too. Not the kind of tension that will get me detained by the Austin PD, but the kind where I write an internet article and say weird shit you will never read and act like that somehow connects us to each other. I have a beef with you. In fact, I have many beefs. I am going to list them now and give you an opportunity to address them: 1. Our relationship is one-sided. If our friendship was a business, you would be an outside investor who owned zero percent and never answered the direct mail piece we mass mailed to everyone about buying property on a beautiful lake in Tennessee. 2. Unnghh. Arrgggh. That’s angry talk. 3. Crazy eyes. I can’t show you these on paper but they’re there and they are watching you in a way that makes your feel uncomfortable and maybe a little sorry for me but, nope, you’re just uncomfortable. 4. I am not wearing a shirt. 5. Pants are still on in case you’re wondering. 6. It’s basically me, in jeans, without a shirt on. 7. The jeans aren’t nice. They’re like jorts before they become jorts, which become jorts because the jeans are so bad you just make them into jorts because who gives a fuck. 8. You could cut the tension between us with a knife. But I don’t have a knife so don’t freak out. 9. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  Even if you did drink Hulk Juice, you are still responsible for your actions. Before automobiles, drunk driving was just a challenge riders took on a sentient horse. Today, it’s seen as a despicable act warranting shame and imprisonment. In fact, one of the most terrifying situations one can face is being pulled over by a suspicious cop who starts asking too many questions about your sobriety. You feel trapped and nervous as he seems to look right through your lies. You stutter and stammer and pray that he will get a radio call that there’s a hostage situation at a monastery, drawing him away from the scene, but not before he says to you: “This is your lucky day.”
Unfortunately, that last part never actually happens. Instead, you get interrogated and submit to “tests” designed for your failure. You suck on a breathalyzer and recite the alphabet backwards for about two letters before he throws you in the back of his car and your life is over. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We spoke directly with a defense lawyer* who gave us tips for what NOT to do when you’ve been drinking and are pulled over. Follow these and stay free, safe, and not sexually assaulted by prisoners. Nine things NEVER to say if you are pulled over for suspicion of drunk driving. 1. ‘Scuse me miss, can you get me annover drink? 2. I must warn you sir, that I drank Hulk juice this morning and I may explode in rage at any moment. I cannot be held responsible for my actions in five, four, three, two… 3. Do I smell fritattas? Nope, That’s your B.O. Please stand back. 4. I’m an undercover cop. Now YOU’RE arrested. 5. No, I will not suck your dick for a dollar! Did everyone hear this guy? This guy just asked me if I’d suck his dick! For a dollar! 6. I think your wife is in my trunk. You may want to check on her. 7. Psst. I think you have an erection. 8. Human trafficking? What? 9. O.K. Fine. I’ll suck your dick for a dollar. *Just because someone says he’s a defense lawyer, doesn’t mean he is. He could also just be some guy who might not have even said he’s a lawyer but it’s hard to remember because there were a lot of drinks and it was over a three day period and there were times when you thought to yourself, “Have I been up for like three days? Because I must have taken some kind of drugs to be awake this long.” |
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