For years, men considered their penis size in inches. How “bigness” may be the more accurate way to measure.

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Boys will be boys. And they will measure their penises. They’ve been doing this since rulers and tape measures were invented. But what does penis length really tell us about the size of our penises? According to Intergalactic Business Report Staff Scientist Dr. Jude Beedlebury, penis length, width, and weight are not as important as you may think. Instead, he points to “cavern depth” as an indicator of how “big” a man’s penis actually is.

​“Bigness is the term I use for measuring mens’ penises,” says Beedlebury. “Penis size needs to be completely rethought. We should be considering a penis not in terms of its measurable size but in terms of its size relative to the hole it enters.” 

The “hole” or “cavern” determines actual penis size, according to Beedlbury. He uses the analogy of a banana a woman throws in her purse. “Let’s say the purse is large, like a hobo bag,” he explains. “The banana, no matter what size, will fit very easily. There’s no need to measure the banana in this case. In a sense, all bananas thrown into this purse may as well be equal.”

He continues: “Now let’s say the purse is tiny, like a clutch. Almost any size banana is now huge, almost overpowering. You could say that any banana is now a fat, girthy monster.” He laughs. It’s not super funny, but he laughs. And it’s also a little weird how he’s looking at you when he laughs—like he wants you to join him in laughing, but the thing in your mind where you laugh because you can’t help it just isn’t there.

Then keeps talking: “There’s no need to measure it, right? Because it more than fits. Even if it’s a really tiny banana, like one of those things you see in the grocery store and you’re like, is that a banana? And someone else is like, I think so? And then you see they’re from South America and they’re called something else, but basically they’re a banana?”

Dr. Beedlebury says it is very important to note that if you did have an objectively giant banana it wouldn’t fit in a small purse and would be excluded from getting in there and the purse would have to wait for a more comfortable, diminutive banana to enter it.
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“Oh, and one other thing,” he says. “This is really important!” (He’s breathing super hard and looks really excited). “If you have a huge banana, it can only fit in hobo bags, which I call ‘ho bags.’ Get it?”

He calms down and looks serious. “You get the analogy though, right?” he asks. 

He continues: “What we have for years considered small penises are actually huge and what we have considered giant cocks are in reality totally irrelevant.” 

If you’re wondering how “big” Dr. Beedlebury’s penis is, he tells us it is a “monster dong” according to his new penis measurement system.

When asked, “Yeah, but seriously. How big is it if you actually measured?” he gets almost unhealthily upset and then kind of fake calms down before asking if you’re gonna have another drink. When you say no, he mutters, “It depends what your cavern depth is.”
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When asked, “Right. But if you didn’t look at that, and just literally measured your dick with a ruler or something, how many inches would it be?” he goes nuts and leaves the bar, and you’re wondering why you even started talking to this dude. 
 
Dr. Jude Beedlebury is the Intergalactic Business Report Staff Scientist. He did not write this article himself, but it is about him. He can be reached with your questions and comments at [email protected].

No purses, just really deep tees