Lesser known (but just as important) things Project 2025 will ban.

As we near another U.S. Presidential election, you may have heard about something called Project 2025, a conservative thinktank’s policy outline for America. While republicans deny any affiliation with the group, democrats contend that the Heritage Foundation plan is what’s coming for America if they are defeated in November. 
 
But what exactly is Project 2025? Will it really take away cherished rights and instill draconian laws? The Intergalactic Business Report digs deep and discovers that the plan is actually much worse than any politician has told you. Below, we list some of the lesser known* bans proposed by Project 2025 and how they could affect your life. 
 
Project 2025 bans you didn’t know about.
 
Buttplugs.
 
If Project 2025 is implemented, buttplugs will be illegal without a permit. This means that most people’s butts will be unplugged unless they can obtain special dispensation from the government, which would be run, of course, by people who despise buttplugs, even though they will probably use them secretly, without permission, but who’s going to stop them? Meanwhile, “buttplug agents” will search out noncompliers and seek to confiscate all buttplugs that aren’t registered. We predict new slogans will be created by buttplug advocates, like, “You can take my buttplug when you pry it out of my cold, dead butt.” In addition, the National Buttplug Association will be formed, also known as the NBA.
 
Free mustache rides. 
 
Mustache rides, while once free, will now be taxed and monitored. States like California, with a tradition of totally free mustache rides, could be forced into a massive cultural shift, while conservative states like Mississippi (with the most mustaches per capita) will either ban them or place heavy burdens on men who offer them.
 
According to the plan, restrictions would entail:
 

•  A minimum fee for any mustache ride, determined by state, but not below $40. 

 

• If you live in a state in which mustache rides are banned, you cannot cross state lines to receive a mustache ride in a state where they are legal.

 

• Mustaches would require a permit before they are grown.  Citizens would then need to tell the government if they planned to offer mustache rides and at what price.

 

• A heavy progressive tax would be levied depending on the style, girth, and shape of the stache. For example, handlebar mustaches or anything requiring wax would be prohibitively expensive to have, thus effectively eliminating barber shop quartets from performing cunnilingus. 

 

• All trucker hats and tee shirts offering free mustache rides would be banned immediately, thus bankrupting Spencer’s Gifts as well as many truck stops. 

 

• Geraldo Rivera would be put under 24-hour government surveillance. 

 
Astroglide.
 
While other lube companies will surely follow, the plan targets motion lotion giant Astroglide first. This strategy will “lube up” the effort to go after others and allow for the government to easily slide in and out of tight areas, like buttholes. 
 
The movie “Pacific Rim.”
 
Because it sounds like a movie about buttlicking, it will be immediately banned.  Other sexually deviant film and television titles on the chopping block will be “Jack Reacher,” “Solo,” and “Diff’rent Strokes.” Also, “BJ and the Bear.” Also, “The Thing.” Also, “The Package.” Also, “Big Daddy.” Also, “Herbie: Fully Loaded.”
 
Rest stop area hookups.
 
Long a delight for roguish truckers, enterprising prostitutes, and I’ll-try-anything-once middle-aged men who aren’t gay but what the hell, late night rest area liaisons will be a thing of the past if Project 2025 has its way. 
 
Special “cleaning units” will run regular sweeps and sting operations nationwide to ensure quickie love connections can no longer be consummated at our areas of rest. Disguising themselves as janitorial crews, these elite teams will force sex freaks everywhere to wonder if the guy cleaning the toilets is a custodian or a government official. Or is he just lingering to see if I’m into him? Hold up. This plan may lead to even more hookups.
 
Porta john hookups.
 
We kind of agree this one should be banned. Democrats? Anyone? Yup. Nobody wants these anymore. 
 
Glory holes.
 
The glorious holes that once graced barroom bathrooms and the homes of the freaky deekiest Americans will be closed forever under Project 2025. A thirty-day grace period will allow citizens to expose their holes to the police and receive no penalty. After that, government “fill teams” will seal the artificial orifices at no charge. 
​
A massive advertising campaign will then encourage people to contact authorities if they notice an illegal glory hole in their neighbors’ house, a back room at Home Depot, or at carnivals. 90’s rap group Tag Team will star in the tv spots in which they walk around and point out glory holes and say, “Whoomp there it is.” Then some government guys come in and fill it in, much to the dismay of homeowners, Home Depot employees, and carnies.*
 
 
 
*”Lesser” is a term that means anything below a certain number or thing. So, by saying “lesser known” you could just mean “not known at all” because it is “less” than the things that are known. Just go with it.
 
**Home depot is just a possible example of where there could be a glory hole. We’re not saying they have them. It’s just that if you were to imagine a place where there would definitely be a glory hole it would be there. Or at a carnival where you paid eighteen dollars to go in a room where there was one and you got like ten minutes before one of the carnies would make you leave, whether you were done or not. Also, back to the Home Depot thing, it seems like one of the guys there would just drill one into the break room that connected to the bathroom, and he’d be like, “Hey dudes. I just made a glory hole!” and he’d laugh like it was a joke, and his co-workers would laugh too, but it wasn’t really a joke, and they’d all know that, even through the laughter. So, if you’re the government, you may want to check there first.

IBR MERCH