Loneliness epidemic? Use these seven simple party tips and instantly rekindle social connection.

Test the sparklers before you put them in your butt.

America has become a culture of disconnection. Friendships decline, neighbors don’t socialize, and the dinner party is an ancient relic. In our growing isolation, the simple necessity of human companionship and friend networks have become less needed for survival and replaced with empty social media relationships, zoom calls, and artificial intelligence. Now, many are looking for ways to overcome our discontent and loneliness through social interaction.
 
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you seven small-sided party concepts that will help you connect, reconnect, and end the despair—almost instantaneously. Call your best friends, new neighbors, or work colleagues and try these this weekend:
 
1. Host a “feelings party.” Invite participants to your house for an examination of feelings, which entails getting felt up. By you. Afterwards, return the favor and let them feel YOU up. 

2. Blindfolded fuck party. Nobody knows who’s getting fucked by whom. Actually, you are aware when you are getting fucked or fucking. But the person being fucked by you doesn’t know which one you are. You get it.  

3. Glory holes. Have a wall in your house? Drill a hole in it and let loose with this super fun concept that extinguishes the social anxiety of seeing who’s handling your dick. Also, if you’re on the receiving end and recognize the dick, you can just say, “next” and a brand-new dick will appear. If you recognize that one, just say, “next” and so on, till you either find a fresh dick or run out of old ones.   

4. No eye contact sex with a donkey. No eye contact is with the donkey itself and not onlookers. If you stare down the donkey, it will kick the fuck out of you.   

5. Peanut butter dick slapping. This one speaks for itself.   

6. Bonfire where you all fuck each other. Start the fire. Someone plays a ukelele. Then you fuck each other. If you can, have the ukelele player sing “We didn’t start the fire.” Or don’t. 

7. Eyes Wide Open sex party. Like the sex parties from “Eyes Wide Shut” except there are no masks and everyone knows everyone, at least in the sense that they’ve been introduced at the taco bar. Note: set up a taco bar beforehand. 

Wear this merch to your party