Nic Cage had a drinking coach. You can get one too.

If you’ve seen Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, you’ll notice he appears hopelessly blotto as he plays a man who drinks so much he finally dies and you’re sad but also kind of relieved the movie is over. Turns out Cage had a little help from a “drinking coach” who taught him how to look and behave like an alcoholic. Also, he and Cage got super shit-faced together, so it wasn’t even really acting.  
 
In what we consider yet another masterful side hustle, the Intergalactic Business Report announces it will now be in the business of providing authorized “drinking coaches” to not only actors who are trying to look drunk, but also the general public, meaning anyone who will pay for this. 
 
Unlike Nic Cage, who worked with a “poet” (which is like hiring someone in radio ad sales to teach you what it’s like to live with STDs), we provide you with a veritable stable of lost men and women who will teach you how to lose your job, likeability, and potential. Oh, and also all your money. Very important.
 
Below is how it all works:
 
Starting is easy.
You call us and we match you with a drinking coach who meets YOUR needs for being a degenerate alcoholic. That means you do a survey or something, where we ask you questions. You answer those questions and then we pick someone who will essentially follow you around and “coach” you.
 
About our coaches.
We find only the nastiest alcoholics who will show you what if feels like to spend time with the nastiest alcoholic you’ve ever met. Your coach is so realistic he will lie and steal from you. But not so realistic that he will “break” from being an alcoholic and behave normally, even for a few minutes.
 
Why do this? What will I learn?
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to get drunk, really drunk, and then suffer irreversible consequences, then this is for you. Our coaches will train you how to get so drunk, everyone around you will believe you have a crippling addiction, because you probably do. That’s the magic of our program.
 
FAQ:
 
Is the drinking real?
Is this fist real? Huh? You wanna find out?
 
How much does it cost?
How much does it cost? How much does it cost? You sound so stupid when you say that.
 
Is this dangerous?
Is this fist dangerous? Huh? You wanna find out?
 
I hired a coach and now he won’t leave me alone.
You’ve gotta be more specific. 
 
I think my coach is sleeping in my children’s playset in my backyard.
These are “accommodations” we provide all our coaches. 
 
Do I pay the coach directly? She keeps asking for a cash payment.
At this point, you need to decide if you’re actually serious about this or not. Do you want to lose it all? Or do you want to have a nice little life where nothing ever happens and you’re safe and secure? If you answered yes, then pay up. Life costs money. THIS costs money. YOU something something…money. 
 
I had sex with my “coach.” Am I going to die of something?
Uh huh. 
 
I got on a plane with my coach. Should I have done that?
You got on a plane with him? Where the fuck are you going?
 
He won’t tell me where we’re going.
Don’t you have a ticket that tells you that? Doesn’t the pilot say, “welcome to flight whatever with service to…?”
 
Nope. We’re in a Cessna or something. And I think the pilot is a friend of his.
You’re fine then. Just go with it. This is how you learn. 

Tees that will make you want to drink