The one thing you should never do at a funeral home, according to morticians.

Whether you’re alive or departed, at some point we all end up in a funeral home. While the dead have moved on beyond social concerns, the living must contend with negotiating casket prices, choosing morbid “celebration of life” packages, and staring into the steely dark eyes of morticians, who run your loved one’s final show.  
 
If you’re dealing with loss and grieving, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you some inside tips on how to manage the etiquette and expectations of funeral homes while maintaining the dignity of the deceased. 
 
We asked morticians and funeral home directors for industry secrets and what you should never do when planning a funeral. What they told us may change the way you see death and dying forever: 



Burt Davis, Davis Funeral Home, Whapanoe CT:
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“Don’t ask for the body to be posed with a lollipop or sucker in its mouth. It looks disrespectful and you have to glue the candy stick to the fingers. Don’t even get me started about what it takes to hold the arm in a position to suck the candy and how to get the fingers to grasp the stick.”

 
Fred Duhamian*, Blessed Peace Funeral Home, Morgan UT:
 
“Stop asking me if I’ve ever had sex with the bodies. I haven’t, O.K.? That’s like a fireable offense. If it weren’t, I STILL wouldn’t have sex with them. Is that clear enough?”

 
Alexia Trundle, Harborview Mortuary Services, Harborview ME:
 
“I know it may seem cool to show up to a wake or a viewing wearing superhero clothes or sexy kitty lingerie or whatever, but have some respect for the dead and the mourners. So uncool.”

 
Bernard Holmes, Holmes Funeral Home, Absinthe MN:
 
“If you slip me a fiver, I’ll let you have sex with the bodies.”

 
Marsha Redgrave, Funeral Magic, Muscatine IA:
 
“The dicks on the bodies are hard for like five hours after, so shoot your shot when you have the chance. The window closes sooner than you think.”
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Jerry “Boston” Aurelias, Tony’s Death Emporium, Stockton CA:
 
“Embalming fluid makes sure the body can be seen in a peaceful, respectful way. It also helps with the smell and makes it more pleasant if, say, someone were to climb into the casket and be in there, with the body, for a time. Which I don’t do.”
 
 
 
*Fred Duhamian is facing charges for necrophilia. He is innocent until proven guilty.

Merch that will make you question your life