Their study: Smelling farts stops Alzheimer’s. Our study: How to do it.

We’re embarrassed. The Intergalactic Business Report has been studying farts (formally) for almost ten years (and informally for 36) and Johns Hopkins University exceeded our efforts by discovering that fart vapor could treat and prevent Alzheimer’s. 
 
As many publications cover this breakthrough, we agree  this is one of the most astounding developments in the history of science. It also presents more questions than answers. For example, each article we found about the study clearly stated that hydrogen sulfide, the farty chemical released through one’s butt crevice, could have powerful cognitive effects on those who smelled it. Mysteriously though, every article also insisted you smell “your own” farts but neglects to explain why those are better than other people’s. 
 
In addition, while credit is given to a scientist at Johns Hopkins, we feel this all bears the skidmarks of Dr. Albert “smelly” Bernheiser, creator of the Fartpocalypse machine and owner of the trademark “Farty Party” van (available for prom, bar and bat mitzvahs, and vow renewal ceremonies). We may never know the truth, but we’re putting this out there now because if it’s true we said it first.
 
We also question whether the research, which the scientists contend came from injecting mice with some kind of fart juice compound, was actually just a “who put his peanut butter in my chocolate” moment inadvertently discovered at a senior living community where unruly and noncompliant members are sometimes punished by being placed in a close windowed cafeteria as caretakers fart through the ventilation system until they submit. We imagine that instead of submitting, the farts made the seniors grow stronger and smarter until they figured out how to access the vents, crawl through them, and murder their captors. Again, we may never know. 
 
But while we may investigate this further in the future, we feel it’s imperative for now to use the knowledge available to help people in cognitive decline by giving them practical ways to inhale the purest forms of fart vapor. 
 
Below we list several ideas to unclog your mind by smelling farts. 
 
Practical ways to inhale fart vapors and stop your cognitive decline.
 
Butt funnel.
This simple method involves a funnel and your butt (if you’re flexible enough). If you can’t stretch to sniff, you may borrow someone else’s (butt). Just have him or her fart through the funnel that is completely covering your face. Breathe in. Don’t breathe out.
 
Dutch oven.
The classic fart containment method is effective in that it only requires a blanket, and two or three people can feasibly all benefit from the fart as it is captured in a makeshift “terror dome” of excremental fumes. You may be tempted to escape, but doing so will limit the effectiveness not only for you, but for others. Try to be selfless.
 
Hot fart box.
This involves lighting a fart on fire and taking it in your face. We are not totally sure about the efficacy of this method because it is like an explosion and might just burn off your face, but the drama and spectacle may entice others to join your fart smelling journey. 
 
Fart hole.
While a little more complex than the fart funnel (see above) the fart hole is like a glory hole only instead of a penis going through it, it’s a fart. 
 
Cleveland steam room.
Although experimental, this is where someone takes a dump on the floor of a steam room and you sit in there with the smell. Not sure if this releases hydrogen sulfide, but, like farts, it definitely smells like shit. So there’s that. 
 
Fart bong.
Instead of ripping a bong hit, you’re now ripping a fart-infused bong hit and the high is stinky good. In fact, Jamaicans are now calling this “smokin’ da stank weed.”* 
 
*No they’re not. 

The "fart" of tee shirts.