What really happens to your body a week after you stop drinking.

New scientific evidence from people on TikTok suggest that alcohol is definitely bad for you, but what does that mean, exactly? In what can only be described as an unprecedented scientific report fit for a peer-reviewed journal if “peer-reviewed” had something to do with watching people take dumps in public restrooms by the beach where there are no doors on the stalls and you’re asking yourself, why would anyone take a dump there…? Sorry. What were we talking about? Oh. Below are the:
 
12 things that happen to your body if you stop drinking for a week:
 
 1. You’re “no fun.” 

2. You find out the decision-making ability you thought was hindered by alcohol is actually just your regular decision-making ability. 

3. Your penis might work but it’s small and weak and o.k. now it doesn’t work again. 

4. Taking a dump on someone’s front lawn is now where you, totally sober, pull down your pants, squat, and stare into your neighbor’s eyes as he sits at his bay window and calls the cops. 

5. Hookers and blow are now bankers and no. 

6. The music playing sucks and is no longer “your jam” that causes you to dance like a white person in a grocery store when there’s a sale on your favorite hummus.  

7. Fat people are no longer “jolly,” or “hot.”   

8. Your Uber driver is just a West-African dick and not a super interesting person from a different culture with a great story to tell. 

9. Your knowledge of math is exactly the same. 

10. That hole in your butt is your “butthole” and not a mystery portal. 

11. You can have a phone call where you don’t make farty noises. 

​12. You miss the farty noises.

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