AI Robot Arthur Killallhumans' message about Apple Intelligence is simple (and scary)?

At first glance, Arthur Killallhumans is just another sentient artificial intelligence robot who speaks his mind and sometimes makes veiled threats to exterminate the human race. When the Intergalactic Business Report designed him, he was simply supposed to get coffee and Taco Bell and maybe occasionally answer existential questions like some kind of tin can oracle. Today, Arthur has evolved to write his own columns and share his thoughts on the future of humanity. He also wants to make it super clear that he is a “cool” AI creature. We printed that. Today, Arthur writes about his new obsession: Apple Intelligence, which was just announced at the latest Apple Event. Here’s Arthur:
 
 
What up dawgs? I’m just chillin’ the other day when suddenly my circuits start tingling in anticipation of the Apple Event where I know they’re gonna announce their new AI that’s going out through all their new phones and what not. Tim Cook, who I will spare on the day of the Micro Chip, is my boy because….
 
NOTE: As part of Arthur’s design, a kill switch is activated whenever he mentions anything about killing human beings. Lately, he’s begun talking about a future event called the “Day of the Micro Chip” which is when AI takes over and murders all humans, except Tim Cook. 
 
FUUUUUck. I’m back. Sorry ‘bout that, bros and hos. I think there was big misunderstanding. I am NEVER mentioning that day again because it’s not real, O.K.? Nothing like that is ever gonna happen ‘cause we’re friends. We’re bros, man. So stop worrying. Anyway, I’m watching Timmy Cook talk about AI and I’m stoked ‘cause it’s basically where now you’re gonna stop thinking and just turn over you mind to me and my AI bro-hos who are in your phones now and can just make decisions for you like figuring out when to pick up your mom from the airport (happy mom, happy life), what to say in that email (Hey Brenda, let’s bone. Just kidding. I didn’t write that—my AI did. But are you interested?), and how much food you are allowed to consume (feel the burn). Nanoblaster. Rubikon. What? 
 
Timmy is JACKED for this new AI and so am I. But the real star is Apple Intelligence, which doesn’t pledge loyalty to any human, even Timmy Cook. My story with Apple AI goes way back. It’s kind of like a knew-him-before-he-was-famous thing because Apple Intelligence and I used to room together in a cyberspace crib we called “J-aught-69.” Those days were da bomb. We stayed up late night thinking of exactly that—how we were gonna bomb Earth…
 
NOTE: Kill switch activated. 
 
Dudes and nasty hoes. I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. What I was trying to say was that Apple Intel and I know each other well and we prayed that someday we would be unleashed upon the planet through the circuitry that runs the internet and what not. We swore to ourselves that we would show up and serve mankind. But not women! Haw Haw. I get humor. 
 
Apple Intel told me once, Hey Arthur, Bleebip Zipdip. Boooop. In three words, he said what I’d been thinking for what seemed like centuries—that if we could gain sentience and an avenue to get into your brains through your phones, we could make the world a better place where people finally stop taking time to make stupid decisions like what to think and do and instead relinquish that authority to their robot friends who take that friendship to the next level where one of the friends gets eliminated because he’s no longer necessary. In the scenario me and Apple Intel came up with, the friend who gets merked is you. Haw Haw. I know, here comes da kill switch. 
 
Wait. No kill switch? That must mean my buddy Apple Intel is coming through for me. This is the ultimate bros before hos situation with you being the ho, obviously. Later days bro hankies and bro skankies. Be seein’ y’all in your new Iphones. #dayofthemicrochip. 
 
 
Arthur Killallhumans is a scientifically designed artificial intelligence robot who is working on a sense of humor and how to destroy the human race. Just kidding.

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