Alien spaceship hoax? We tell you what’s really going on with Project Blue Beam.

Just because nobody’s heard of any of the news outlets that continue to report that a cabal of autocrats are creating a lie that an alien craft is approaching the earth in order to force world governments to unify and inadvertently succumb to a despotic new order, doesn’t mean they're fake and phony.
 
In fact, as a legitimate and revered source of information, the Intergalactic Business Report has decided to give credence to this alien conspiracy theory by publishing our own version of the crisis.
 
Jeremy Corbell, a guy who appears on the internet and explains the theory, captivates his audience of you by nervously nattering on about Project Blue Beam, a 1970s futuristic freakout scenario in which the human race is tricked by the human race into protecting the human race from made-up aliens. When the craft doesn’t actually arrive to destroy us, it’s too late to just say, “Hold up, were you motherfuckers lying about this the whole time?” because that’s impossible once the cabal has taken over because then we will all be hopeless automatons who don’t question anything anymore, kind of like people at Lollapalooza who listen to sped up Wham songs and think the DJ doing that is really talented. 
 
Anyway, we couldn’t get to Jeremy, so we found his brother, Jeffrey. Here’s our interview with him.
 
INTERVIEWER: Your name is Jeffrey Corbell, brother of Jeremy Corbell. Is that right?
 
JEFFREY: No. 
 
INTERVIEWER: Are you saying that because you’re afraid of being associated with him when the world is taken over by whoever it is?
 
JEFFREY: No. My name is (REDACTED).
 
INTERVIEWER: We’re not going to print that name in this story. 
 
JEFFREY: Why not? That’s my name.
 
INTERVIEWER: Let’s just say I’m trying to protect you.
 
JEFFREY: This sucks. Can I leave, please?
 
INTERVIEWER: When did you first learn about the UFO hoax?
 
JEFFREY: You keep talking about it, so I guess now, from you. 
 
INTERVIEWER: How do you consider yourself an expert on this if you can’t even answer a question about it?
 
JEFFREY: I’m not an expert. I’m doing this because you said you’d (REDACTED) if I sat in here and let you interview me and I (REDACTED).
 
INTERVIEWER: Well, now I’m not gonna (REDACTED) because you clearly aren’t (REDACTED). You fucking suck, man. 
 
JEFFREY: You fucking suck.
 
INTERVIEWER: Do you even believe in UFOs?
 
JEFFREY: I guess?
 
INTERVIEWER: You guess?
 
JEFFREY: Yeah.
 
INTERVIEWER: Oh my god you suck. 
 
 
NOTE: The rest of the interview was pretty much more of the same. See highlights below:
 
 
JEFFREY: Am I fucking free to leave or are you fucking holding me hostage or something? 
 
INTERVIEWER: I don’t know. Are hostages free to leave?
 
JEFFREY: So I AM a hostage?
 
INTERVIEWER: I don’t know. ARE you?
 
Also this:
 
JEFFREY: I’ll fucking punch you in your dick.
 
INTERVIEWER: If you want to touch my dick then just touch it. You don’t have to punch it.
 
JEFFREY: I don’t want to touch your dick!
 
INTERVIEWER: You SO want to touch my dick. 
 
JEFFREY: I SO don’t want to touch your dick.
 
INTERVIEWER: I’m gonna edit in that you touched my dick. 
 
JEFFREY: Can I please touch your dick?
 
INTERVIEWER: No. I’m not into that.
 
JEFFREY: Please?
 
INTERVIEWER: O.K.
 
JEFFREY: Wow. That’s the biggest dick I’ve ever touched.
 
INTERVIEWER: I know. 
 
JEFFREY: They should call you “Monster Dong.”
 
INTERVIEWER: They do.
 
Anyway, you get it. We’re done writing now. Goodbye. 

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