7 signs that parasites may be living in your body.

Just like a real baby who grows up resenting you but still wants your money, parasites are creatures who come into your life and slowly take everything you have. Unlike real babies, recent studies have revealed that many of these “guests” are unknown to their “hosts” and live uninhibited in their bodies for months and years until finally killing them. Then a coroner pulls them out and it’s like that scene in “Alien” (we guess). 
 
As a safety warning to our readers who may be hosting parasites in their bodies, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you seven signs that may indicate a parasite is in you. 
 
 
Seven signs a parasite may be living in your body.
 
1. Instead of being appalled by things and people who are parasitic, you start talking about “symbiotic relationships” and bullshit like that. For example, your brother-in-law who sleeps in your basement and doesn’t pay rent is now someone you see as “doing you a favor” even though you can’t articulate why. 

2. That movie, “Parasite,” is now your favorite movie. 

3. Late at night, you can hear conversations. Someone is saying, “’sup?” and someone else says, “Not much. ‘Sup wit you?” To which there is the reply. “Not much.” That’s the parasites talking.  

4. Every time you take a dump it’s like there’s something trying to stay inside. 

5. About six weeks ago, at the Ming Song restaurant in China Town, an old man who wasn’t your waiter appeared with a plate of slithering eels and told you, “enjoy!” Then he watched from a distant doorway as you ate them. And when he watched, you could only see half his face, because he was kind of peering. 

6. You’re a man and people ask you if you’re pregnant or something but they’re not saying it as a joke, and they say they can see “it” kicking but they don’t want to touch “it.” 

​7. You name “it” but not a baby name. And it’s something like “Mr. Biggles” and he doesn’t want to come out because it’s cold outside or some other excuse he gives you. And you start feeling like “Mr. Biggles” is really kind of an asshole and the name you gave him is kind of a misnomer because he’s more like a “Mr. Invasive Parasite who’s eating my innards” and less of a “Mr. Biggles who’s my on again off again friend but also constant travel companion, who might be eating my innards.”

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