Ed Mountaineer officially becomes Andy Elliot's slave. Now he asks, what are next steps?

Unaware of the mystical incantation that turns anyone who makes fun of Andy Elliot into his eternal slave, columnist Ed Mountaineer made the critical error of accidentally ridiculing the motivational master. What comes next is anybody’s guess.
 
Andy Elliot. Master salesman. Fitness icon. Slave owner? 
 
It may come as a surprise to many of my readers, but I recently became a slave. I know. It sounds weird. I never believed it was possible to belong to another human being as his property, but it happened to me and now I must live with my new reality. I do have a few questions for my new owner though, and I’m using this column to ask him what comes next.
 
An open letter to Andy Elliot. Now that you own me, what do I do next, master?
 
Recently, you posted a message to your haters, and it went something (or exactly) like this: 
 
“I’m forty-four years old. I’ve got seven percent body fat. I’m lean. Most guys wear a suit. I wear cut-off shirts. I call my own shots. Please. The world will catch up with me. I’m awake. Some of you are dead. You say, I don’t like this guy. I don’t care. If I can stop someone in the street to laugh at me for wearing a cut-off shirt, or freaking short shorts, I own you. I stopped you in your tracks, dude. I own you.”
 
I did not know you had issued this warning, but I’m not going to try to get out of the consequences. I’m not that guy. I just want to tell you that when I stopped to make fun of you for wearing short shorts and a cut-off shirt, I had no idea that I was relinquishing my rights as a U.S. citizen and entering into a slave/master pact with you. I hope we can make the best of it.
 
I have to admit, when the words came out of my mouth and I said, “Hey, look at that dude who’s wearing short shorts. That looks kind of dumb,” an eerie, supernatural feeling came over me. It was as if I no longer controlled my own future and I felt it difficult to make decisions. It was almost like a higher being now decided things for me. 
 
Then I saw the clip of you telling your haters that if they made fun of you, they would instantly become your slave. It all made sense. I froze up in that moment as your spell cast over me. I tried to make more fun. My mind said, “What’s up with this dude? Is he trying out for gay porn with that oufit?” But the words never came out. It was almost the exact feeling I had when I’d tried out for gay porn and completely froze on my lines and the dudes there didn’t really care because it wasn’t really about saying lines anyway.
 
I guess that’s all in the past, and my future is to serve you, Andy Elliot. My only question, if you will receive it, is to ask you what do I do next? I imagine there are a lot of other people in this situation. People who inadvertently made fun of you even though you didn’t care because they were dead and you were alive and you didn’t care. But then you made them your slaves because you automatically owned them. Do I live with those dudes? Do you have a house for us somewhere? Do you make us work out all day? I know, I know. These are a lot of questions and I promised I only had one.
 
Do we have to wear short shorts and cut-off shirts? Sorry. I feel like I can’t control myself with all the questions. I hope you don’t beat me or whatever. You look strong. Like you could probably slap me around and maybe I’d be wearing long pants and a normal shirt but after you were done with me you’d have torn my pants off and the sleeves off my shirt so I’d look like you, only weaker and uglier. 
 
Do we get a phone plan? Again, sorry. But a friend of mine said to ask because you never know. I’m assuming the food sucks because there’s no way you eat food that tastes good. Not that I would get the same food as you. But maybe I’d get what you didn’t finish or what I had to grow myself. Shit. Am I going to be on a plantation or something? Am I going to farm shit? Oh man. 
 
But whatever. You’re the boss. You just tell me what to do. Maybe start by letting me know where I check in to be your slave. Is there like an onboarding process? Or do I just show up at your house? A lot of people won’t give me their address because they’re afraid of me coming by and not leaving, but I’m also not their slave. I’m yours. And I belong to you forever or until you release me? 
 
Reach out to me at [email protected]. I think I can be of great upaid service to you. Read here what I can do with a funnel cake. Anyway, I’m done writing now, so goodbye and see you soon, master.
 
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. After accidentally making fun of him, he is now Andy Elliot’s slave. 

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