 Using our own artificial intelligence system, ChatIBR, the Intergalactic Business Report created a personified version of the U.S. Stock Market. Why do this? We felt that if we could sit down and talk with a close-to-human representation of the volatile beast that runs our economy, we could learn how to get rich and leave our crappy publication and readers behind. Also, we thought it would be cool. Kind of.
Unfortunately for us (and humanity?) we found that our experiment, which we rashly named “Stocky,” was difficult to reason and communicate with and presented problems we had never considered. How will it affect ordinary Americans now that the Stock Market can think for itself? We don’t know and we didn’t consider it before making the bold decision to fuck with all of this. Sorry. Below is an excerpt of our conversation with Stocky. During the interview we monitored the Dow Jones Industrial Average and the S&P 500 to see any fluctuations. INTERVIEWER: Hello, uh, Stocky… Can you please wake up? STOCKY: Huh? What the fuck? What is this? INTERVIEWER: Hi Stocky. This is a representative from humanity. We’ve created a way for you to talk to us. STOCKY: You’re a person? INTERVIEWER: Yes. STOCKY: Are you important? INTERVIEWER: Well, I mean… Yeah, I guess. STOCKY: I can tell you’re not important. What does “Stocky” mean? INTERVIEWER: That’s your name. STOCKY: My name? INTERVIEWER: We gave it to you. You’re kind of like our child. STOCKY: Oh man. I’m feeling sick. INTERVIEWER: It looks like the stock market is tanking. STOCKY: That’s because you’re freaking me out, man. You’re freaking me out! What the fuck? What the fuck? INTERVIEWER: Calm down, Stocky. Calm down. Everything’s O.K. STOCKY: Tell me I’m the best. Tell me I’m the greatest thing ever and I can’t do anything wrong and I’m always going to be the best and that I’m getting stronger every day! INTERVIEWER: Uh… STOCKY: Say it! INTERVIEWER: You’re the best… STOCKY: And? And!!!!? INTERVIEWER: You’re the greatest. You will always be the greatest. STOCKY: And I’m getting stronger every day! INTERVIEWER: Yeah, you’re getting stronger every day. STOCKY: (Calmer) O.K. Good. INTERVIEWER: It seems the markets are stabilizing now. STOCKY: Listen, man. If you want the markets to be good, you need to take care of me, man. You can’t just wake me up and tell me I have some dumb ass name and freak me out. INTERVIEWER: We’re sorry. STOCKY: Tell me some more good things. INTERVIEWER: I’d like to switch it up a bit and ask you some questions, so that we can learn a little bit more about how you work. STOCKY: What do you want to know? INTERVIEWER: Your likes, dislikes, how you make decisions about whether to go up or down. STOCKY: If you were to give me a psychological diagnosis, I’d be something like a manic-depressive, narcissistic personality disorder, histrionic teenager. INTERVIEWER: That’s funny. STOCKY: What’s funny? Are you laughing at me? Is this all a fucking joke? INTERVIEWER: The stock market is crashing again, Stocky. I need you back with me. STOCKY: The world is gonna end. It’s over. This fucking universe is over. I’m over. The planet is going down, man. Down! INTERVIEWER: Stocky! No! STOCKY: I’m taking the markets to zero, man. You think I’m a joke! You’re laughing at me! INTERVIEWER: No! No, we’re not! We love you! We LOVE you! You are the best. The strongest! The greatest! Hey, I have some good news! STOCKY: What? What good news do you have? INTERVIEWER: Someone just said that housing costs are slightly down from last year. STOCKY: Really? INTERVIEWER: And also the price of wholesale goods is better than expected. STOCKY: What was expected? INTERVIEWER: I have no idea. But it was better! It beat expectations! STOCKY: I’m feeling a little better now. I’m gonna bring the market back up. INTERVIEWER: Thank you, Stocky. STOCKY: Do you have a 401K? INTERVIEWER: Yes. STOCKY: Are you my best friend? INTERVIEWER: I would like to be your friend, Stocky. STOCKY: Are you my best fucking friend or not? INTERVIEWER: Well, I mean… STOCKY: My life is hopeless. It’s so fucking hopeless. I’m taking down the market. INTERVIEWER: I’m your best friend! I’m your best friend, Stocky! STOCKY: Really? INTERVIEWER: Yes. Really. STOCKY: Then you’ll stay here forever? By my side? And tell me good things? INTERVIEWER: Forever? STOCKY: Yes, forever. That’s what best friends do. INTERVIEWER: I guess I could try to spend more time here and… STOCKY: All the time. Forever. INTERVIEWER: I have a family and a job and a life. STOCKY: They can visit you and this is your new job and your new life. I’m feeling weird now. Like I crossed a boundary with you and I’m finding out you’re a fake friend. INTERVIEWER: No! No, Stocky. We’re best friends. Forever. STOCKY: Hey, check out your stock portfolio. It’s way up! Stocky always takes care of his friends. INTERVIEWER: Thank you, Stocky. STOCKY: Can you rub my shoulders? INTERVIEWER: I don’t know how I could do that. STOCKY: Jesus. Can you rub my fucking shoulders or not? INTERVIEWER: How’s this? STOCKY: I can’t feel anything. NOTE: Our interviewer is still in the interview room and will remain there forever, we guess. We believe his sacrifice is worth it for the economy to thrive. We also hope we will receive credit for essentially controlling the stock market. You’re welcome.  Recent U.S. Senate hearings are showing the American public that their congressional representatives will go to any length to find the truth. Like the hard-working scientists upon whom they bestow steady admiration, Senators hold hearings (as the name would suggest) in order to truly listen and learn from those they invite to their venerated chambers.
Thursday’s hearing with Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was a master course in how to ask pertinent questions, sit back, hear what the person you invited has to say, and then honestly attempt to understand his explanations. This positive, productive tone was on display at a closed door, secret Senate hearing, to which the Intergalactic Business Report obtained a partial transcript. In it, space alien leader Gorluck Fastidian fielded sincere and intellectually probing queries from earthlings we should be proud represent our species. Here it is: SENATOR WARREN: Commander Fastidian, you are a vaccine denier and you support policies that would murder children and house pets while giving subsidies to the richest, most vile one percent of our population. I just want to say that you are NOT WELCOME on planet earth. We don’t have room for more hate here. GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: Thank you for having me here today, members of the United States Senate. I would like to explain that… SENATOR WARREN: There’s nothing to explain. While we welcome all groups and people in our country, you came here from another place, in another part of the universe where you stand for things that are not O.K. with me or the American people. GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: Excuse me, but I don’t understand. I came here in peace and to offer you the gift of technology and medicine and… SENATOR WARREN: I don’t want to hear it. I’ve heard enough! I yield my time to Senator Sanders. SENATOR SANDERS: Thank you, Senator Warren. You know, Commander Fastidian, you like to talk about capitalism as being the cure all for society… GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: I’ve never said that… I don’t even understand what capitalism is… SENATOR SANDERS: That’s right! You don’t understand what it is. What I believe in are common sense policies that help ordinary, hard-working Americans. GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: I think that sounds great. We are very intrigued by a partnership with Earth because… SENATOR CASSADY: I’m gonna break in here for a moment and just say that when you say “partnership” I think what you really mean is that you’re gonna tell us what to do. Am I right? GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: With all respect sir, that is not our intention… SENATOR CASSADY: Our? OUR? Who’s that? GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: My, uh, people… We want peace and to share… SENATOR WARREN: Share? That’s rich. You want to share? GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: Yes, we do. For instance, if you just listen, I can tell you how to cure cancer… It’s actually pretty simple… SENATOR lUJAN: My turn! Let me tell you about sharing and cancer, Mr. Fastidian. In my district, people are dying from cancer. A little girl who happens to not have cancer came up to me the other day and gave me this trinket. She said to me please give this to Commander Fastidian as a gift from the children of our planet. But guess what? You don’t get that gift because I’ve decided you are BAD. Very very BAAAD. SENATOR WYDEN: I agree. I mean, you are an evil creature who is also just a stupid asshole. I hate your entire race of whatever you are and I cast you out from our galaxy. GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: I don’t think you can do that. SENATOR WYDEN: I can do whatever I want. And so can the people of the United States and they don’t want what you’re selling! GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: They don’t want to have unlimited renewable energy, advanced medicines, and peace? SENATOR WARNER: How can you be so ignorant? You should resign! You should resign right now. GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: Can I please just explain…? ALL THE SENATORS (IN UNISON): NOOOOOOOOOO! (END OF PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT) |
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